A 10-Step Guide To Having The World’s Most Basic Christmas

Sure there are times for being experimental, kooky and dyeing your hair a violent shade of orange. But Christmas is not one of those times, for if there is any time of year in which being an absolute basic b*tch is most acceptable, it’s the yuletide season.

Because Mary did not go through a 12-hour labour in that freezing cold stable so you could eat seared sea bass amid the warm glow of a white, fibre-optic Christmas tree. She did it so you could eat turkey for every single meal until you do a little gag when anyone mentions the word ‘white meat’. 

So raise your Red Cup in the air and give in to your inner basic with a 10-step guide for the world’s most average December 25th. 

Step #1 – Kick off the festive season with a Christmas coffee the size of your face

Because nothing announces you are feeling the #festivecheer better than a sugar induced headache and a red cup selfie posted to each and every social media platform.  

Step #2 – Spend all your savings on a 3 for 2 gift set haul for your nearest and dearest

Yes you love them, but perhaps not quite as much as you love a good BOGOF. 

Step #3 – Make the annual pilgrimage to Winter Wonderland

Nothing puts you in the Christmas mood better than spending £25 on a festive carved wooden ornament after several mulled wines. 

Step #4 – Spend a good week planning your Christmas day outfit

Look, you might be spending the day in your own home with no one except your immediate family and your legally blind Great Aunt Susan for company, but that’s not going to stop you wearing sequins, heels and fake lashes. 

This is Jesus’s big day we’re talking about.

Step #5 – Spam everyone you know with the baby deer filter on Snapchat

As a great philosopher once said, is it even December if you don’t send a daily vid to everyone you know of yourself lip syncing to All I Want For Christmas using the baby deer filter?

Step #6 – Eat your weight in Quality Street in one sitting

You hate Orange Creams as much as literally every other person ever, but it absolutely isn’t going to stop you from eating them when they are the only scrap of chocolate left in the house. 

Step #7 – Purchase a comedy Christmas knit

Pretty sure you’’ be shunned by general society if you aren’t wearing one for at least 67% of December. 

Step #8 – Realise that everything on your Christmas list is rose gold

What can you say, you know what you like and you’re sticking with it. 

Step #9 – Watch Love Actually

And consider dumping your SO for not treating you half as romantically as Hugh Grant would’ve done this year. Then realise you’d be alone for New Year and immediately decide to reconsider this plan until at least January 1st. 

Step #10 – Suggest you and your family play a board game 

Before quickly remembering that your dad and Uncle Joe still aren’t talking from *that* 2007 game of Monopoly either and scrap it in favour of watching Love Actually. Again.

Step #11 – Be secretly glad that it’s all over for another year

It was fun but all that turkey and you’re ready to sleep for at least 100 years.