Surviving Your Family At Christmas
Just so much bad chat.
Think the worst part about Christmas is right about when you get knocked out unconscious by a rogue elbow while scrabbling to find size 10 Xmas PJs in Primark? Think again.
Christmas is that time of year where you reunite with your family and exchange gifts and vague small talk. And yeah, it’s nice to see your great auntie Mildred occasionally, but she knows nothing about your life (hence the unnecessarily hideous Xmas gift).
Here are the worst Xmas moments you'll almost definitely experience with your family this year.
1. Bad chat
That extra glass of bubbly slowed your reaction time so you weren’t able to get away. Your great uncle Bertie has now cornered you. You will be subjected to his annual monologue about anthills for roughly twenty five minutes.
This Christmas gathering is off to a great start.
2. Sibling quarrels
You and your brother are fighting about the amount of roast potatoes you have on your plates in front of the extended family. They look pretty shocked.
You know what? Get over it, people. We aren't cute little five-year-olds any more and potato helpings are a serious subject matter at this point in our lives.
3. Political arguments
Now this will probably be one hundred times more intense this year as there’s plenty of controversial things to argue about (e.g. Brexit, the US Presidential Election), and you just KNOW your cousins are gonna wind you up by slagging off your brand new (beautiful) “all I want for Christmas is EU” jumper.
It’s fine you can just take a deep breath and control it.... Ok, you didn’t control it. And now there is a full-blown political row happening over the Xmas roast. You're surprised people haven't started flicking turkey bones at each other, it's that aggressive.
But you know what? Some arguments are worth having and you're not going to sit back silently. You may not necessarily have been allowed to vote in the referendum, but your opinion is just as valid as uncle (anthill) Bertie's. And you’re gonna let them know it.
4. Your parents bring up something
You always know when it's coming. You are on a dangerous topic and you can see your mum glancing at you sideways with that spark of excitement in her eyes, just waiting for the next opportunity to speak. She's going to mention something that you don't want these people knowing.
It will either be an in-depth description of someone you are going out with (you're not even official yet), or she'll mention that time you answered the door to Stan from up the road by using your Borat accent and matching fake moustache, thinking it was your sibling.
It is no-one else's business how rarely or how often you humiliate yourself, thanks, mum.
5. Racist/ homophobic remarks
Granny is using her racist vocabulary again and you are actually dying inside. She is completely unaware that she’s doing anything wrong but the entire room is flinching.
Ok she may be 85, but surely that means she should know better by now?! It's so very, VERY uncomfortable.
6. "Try it on!"
No, you try it on aunt Mildred. She's got you a fluorescent pink vest with red hearts on it for Xmas, and now she's got the whole roomful of relatives joining in and chanting "try it on!" Too.
There's compulsory politeness and then there is just organised humiliation. You KNOW they all know it's awful too and want to see you painfully 'modelling' it for everyone, doing slow turns to "oohs" and "ahhs" and "coming closer" to individuals so they can see it better. It's one big parade of death, and they want to see you suffer.
What kind of a sick sadistic game is this?!
7. TV quarrels
For crying out loud, 14 people cannot share a TV. Some people like nature programmes, some HAVE to watch the Queen's speech (isn't it the same every year?!), and some people just want to watch silly Xmas comedy shows.
Basically you can NEVER all agree on one thing to watch which always results in about 8 really sullen faces and lots of "I'm dying, SOS" whatsapps to like-minded friends. That's mostly because the older people in the group get priority, so you're stuck watching the Bargain Hunt Christmas Special.
Old people are so spoilt sometimes.
Christmas is often portrayed as happy clappy family time but, in reality, it can actually be really f**king awkward. There might be fights and tensions, and plenty of moments where you'll want to stick your head in the Xmas pudding all day to avoid even looking at them all.
BUT Christmas is a one-off occasion and a chance to see those family members that otherwise you may never normally see, so just take it all with a pinch of salt. And maybe a rather large G&T.