12 Times Cole Sprouse Won The Internet With His Random AF Tweets

“If you don’t jam to Dave Matthews, wear boat shoes, and aren’t holding a fish in your profile pic- don’t even TRY to slide into a dm,” tweeted Cole Sprouse earlier this week. 

But if you’ve been on the Riverdale actor’s Twitter feed for, like, even a second you’ll know he is the master of the hilariously random tweet. Just take a look at these fine examples…

Nothing’s off limits during Sophie, Olivia and Lateysha’s That’s What She Said sex chat…   ​

1. The other time he tweeted about the desirability of fish… 

“How are you going to call yourself desirable if you're only holding one fish in your profile pic? Come back when you're holding nine.” 

For you we’d hold nine hundred. 

2. Making paranoia about the government seem so sexy…

“Sometimes before I leave the house I wave to my laptop camera just to brighten the day of the FBI agent. Friendliness is contagious you know.”

He’s such a nice, friendly boy… total bring-home-to-meet-the-parents material. 

3. Telling us what he’s looking for on a date… 

“It's not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.”

Take note, if your dates don’t end this way then it’s a fail.

4. Honestly just the best pun involving brussels sprouts ever… 

“Yes my son's name is Russel Sprouse, yes he's packed with vitamins and nutrients.”

Russel Sprouse… we. are. howling! 

5. He’s just so compassionate and caring… 

“Anyone ever ask Jeeves how he was doing? Didn't think so, now we can’t.”

No. And now we feel bad! 

6. Not what you’d expect to be smuggled at an airport…

“What do you mean “this is an airport” and what do you mean I “can't carry alfredo pasta in my fanny pack?”

And now we know that no matter where we went with Cole we’d never go hungry. Total dream man.

7. Man knows his Harry Potter…

“The very idea that you're over there fighting about what Hogwarts house you are makes you a Hufflepuff. End of story.”

So true. So very, very true. 

8. Maybe Riverdale doesn’t pay so well…

“Beanie babies worth shit yet? Asking for a friend.”

Now just imaging Cole in a room full of Beanie babies, crying that he has to sell them to pay the bills.

9. Shakira! Shakira! 

“My hips are pathological liars.”

Oh baby when you talk like that, you make a woman go mad. 

10. Before fish pics were the way to his heart…  

“Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.”

Wanna do it by colour or size? 

11. Trying to get romantic with someone special on V-Day… 

“McDonald's valentines menu sucks tbh. Looks like my cats and I will take our business elsewhere.”

Did you guys try Burger King? 

12. Cole’s secret alternate life is so lonely… 

 https://twitter.com/colesprouse/status/789658938161500161

“Man, I wish there was a dating site for people like me: Just young farmers whose crops will always come first, but still yearn for romance.”

Can’t wait to see your profile on MuddyMatches.co.uk! 

WATCH! Nothing’s off limits as Sophie, Olivia and Lateysha’s talk sex for That’s What She Said…