17 Thoughts You'll Probably Have When You See Your Ex Is On Holiday
'Scuse me, why aren't you at home heartbroken?
Everyone knows that there’s really nothing worse than a break up. Life as you know it is officially over, true love is just a distant memory, and all you can think about in your depths of despair is how nice their hair smelt in the morning.
WATCH THE OFFISH PROMO FOR BRAND NEW EX ON THE BEACH BELOW:
When you’re both going through the broken heart together while stuck at home and wearing each other's old, unwashed jumpers, then at least it’s kind of fair grounds.
But honestly, nothing will bring out your inner, straight-out-of-a-thriller-movie pscho side quite like realising that, while you’re locked in your room listening to Dido and gazing at old photos, your ex has jetted off into the distance.
Here's 17 thoughts that you'll probably have when you see your ex is on holiday without you. Uh ohhh.
1. Hang on a sec, aren't you supposed to be heartbroken, pal?
We spent all of those magical months together, our time as a couple has come to a tragic end and you've blown all chances of us growing old and wrinkly together.
But, rather than contemplating how you’re possibly gonna go on without my perfectly peachy bum in your life, you’ve actually packed your bags and swanned off to Marbella with your mates? Not okay.
2. You're telling me that you're over me enough to go to a different country?
It’s pretty obvious that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you and you’re an absolute tuna melt for letting me go. We basically reenacted scenes from The Notebook a couple of weeks ago. It was both moving and emotional.
So why aren’t you wrapped up in a duvet, rocking back and forth with a single tear sliding down your cheek? No comprende.
Right that's it, I'm booking a flight and no one can stop me
Someone get me on the next budget airline asap. In the least psycho way possible, I need to know exactly what you’re doing and who you're talking to 24/7.
And if I can’t find any bargain flights (my stalking skills are on a budget), then I’ll just have to grab my flippers and snorkel and swim the whole way there myself. Celebs do this for Comic Relief all the time so it'll be easy.
You're over me already. I'm shook
There I was thinking that you actually cared and might be fighting to get me back within the next few days. This whole ‘holiday’ thing wasn’t exactly in my grand plan.
Rather than serenading me under my bedroom window and buying me some kind of diamond, you’re drinking bright blue 241 cocktails and eating chips at a pool bar? Shooketh.
I can't believe you're on holiday without me
Holidays used to be our thing. We used to walk hand in hand along the beaches, buy expensive fridge magnets and eat loads of garlic bread together.
Now you’re doing it with people that aren't me, and you're clearly not struggling with the emotional strain. That is just plain rude, and I am not okay.
Look how happy you are. It really is the end of our relationship
No one talk to me. Unless it's to talk about this exact scenario in great detail over and over, in which case I'm here for it.
I will have to monitor this entire trip with maximum stalking skills
Right, I can’t actually let you know that I’m watching all of your Snapchats on repeat and checking out your new friend's second cousin’s ex’s Facebook pics taken in Dubai three months ago, but it needs to be done in disguise.
Hope you enjoyed your lasagne last night, babe. It looked really nice on Insta.
Who are all these tanned, attractive people on your Instagram stories?
It’s just a fact of life that once you’ve had me as your bae, no one else will ever compare. So why are you even bothering to talk to all of these other, less good human beings?
The only way this situation will be okay is if you’re crying on all of their tanned, bikini wearing shoulders and asking for advice on how to get me back. Yep, that’s definitely what’s happening here.
YOU'RE FLIRTING AND MEETING NEW PEOPLE AND PROBABLY HAVING SEX
Is it too late to sign up to the new series of Ex On The Beach?
Why do you get to live your best life while I'm alone at home?
If you wanna get over me in the UK then that’s totally fine. At least you’ll be surrounded by constant reminders of me, have your mum telling you how great I was, and get soggy socks in the rain for a bit of extra karma.
But mending a broken heart in gorge sunshine in between riding a banana boat at lunch time, while I’m stuck at home? Nuh uh honey, not fair.
If you even think about having a holiday romance, I swear...
I’m not bothered or anything. Y'know, do what you want and stuff. But it’s just about RESPECT, yeah?
And alright, I’m not supposed to be watching your every move while you’re away but please just keep it in your trousers and declare celibacy immediately. I'm not asking for much.
Wait, do you even realise how much you were punching when we were together?
Seeing all these pictures of you in dodgy swimwear and sunglasses that don’t suit you is just really reinforcing the fact that you’re a 4/10 on a good day and I’m a solid 9 at my worst.
Why would you go off on holiday instead of locking yourself in your bedroom and regretting all of your past mistakes? Are you mad, babe?
I am the best thing that ever happened to you
Just a quiet reminder that none of these people on holiday are as fit or funny as me.
I guess your holiday romance doesn't know about the drunk texts you've been sending me
So while you two are sitting side by side on an inflatable swan and sharing a Solero, it might be a good time to mention last night's 3am messages. Awks.
The ones that said you’ve made a big mistake and you miss me playing with your hair in front of the telly? Yeah... *sips tea*
Actually, maybe I am well rid of you
If anything confirms it, it’s those peeling sunburnt shoulders, vest tan lines and the singing along to Calvin Harris on Snapchat. Wow.
Thinking about being with you now is actually offensive to my brain
Enjoy that big night out at The Blue Lagoon foam party with your mates, it looks really good... Has anyone ever told you that you’re basically The Inbetweeners?
And if I happen to casually Instagram the fact that I'm out on a hot date with a mystery fitty tonight, well... so be it.
Paha, over it
HASTA LA VISTA, BABY. Don't send me a postcard.
Words by Lucy Wood
And don't even think about missing brand new Ex On The Beach, starting Tuesday 20th March @ 10pm - only on MTV!