Game Of Thrones S7 E4 Recap: 10 Things That Fried Our Brains In ‘The Spoils of War'
WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED.
It’s the shortest Game Of Thrones episode ever, but that doesn’t mean ‘The Spoils Of War’ doesn’t pack plenty in - including several of the most monumental moments in the show’s run.
Yep, this was a big one, possibly the biggest yet, so here’s all of our favourite bits.
bronn and jaime reunited
It’s been a while since these two knocked around together and - some mild bickering about money aside (it divides all couples eventually) - it’s good to see them back. Bronn wants the castle he was promised, but Jaime believes the more you have, the more it weighs you down. We guess Jaime’s gold hand is heavier than it looks.
But it’s just friendly banter, and we’re sure everything’s going to be just fine between these two by the time the credits roll. No big problems to deal with here, it’s all cool.
mark gatiss is back…
…And he’s looking smugger than usual, what with the Lannisters getting ready to pay their debts in full. But, until he actually has the cash he’s been promised, he’s going to continue to throw pass agg shade. Much like our bank manager, then.
Still, we hope nothing happens to that gold Cersei’s promised him. We’re sure it’ll be fine though.
bran’s been watching a lot of game of thrones
Okay, we get what Bran’s power is now. When he was a greenseer, he saw the future. Now that he’s a three-eyed raven, Bran is the world’s biggest Game Of Thrones Stan. Like, he’s the kind of dude who goes to conventions and keeps replica dragon’s eggs in an ornate box.
That’s because he’s also the sort of dude who quotes the show constantly (such as when he says Littlefinger’s classic ‘Chaos is a ladder’ line back at him, like he’s just asked him to sign his action figure).
We’re not sure how Littlefinger’s going to feel when he finds out Bran also saw the episode where we found out Littlefinger sent the assassin to kill him, an act which directly led to the events of Baelor. Looks like Ned’s going to finally get justice after all.
“I remember what it was like to be Brandon Stark, but I remember so much else now.” This is basically what we said when we started binging the show too, Bran.
arya’s back at winterfell? arya’s back at winterfell!
A huge moment for show watchers and book readers alike, and - after a stressful scene where it seems like she’s not going to get in - just the sight of Arya sitting on a snowy wagon looking at her old home gave us goosebumps. But then the guards who brought her into the castle turn around, and she’s gone!
DON’T TELL US SHE JUST WANTED TO POP IN FOR A QUICK VISIT.
arya and sansa reunited
Phew, it’s okay - the guards tell Sansa what’s happened, and she knows exactly where Arya is, and goes straight to her. We’re not sure if we could have coped with this plot thread being extended any further - we’ve basically already waited six years for this. But as lovely as the sight of Sansa and Arya hugging is, we can’t wait for Jon to get back and see his other sister is home. “When he sees you, his heart will probably stop,” Sansa tells Arya. OURS TOO SANSA. OURS TOO.
Sidenote: What with Bran cradling the dagger earlier in the episode, and Sansa and Arya visiting Ned’s tribute in the crypt, anyone else think Littlefinger’s about to be added to, then crossed off, Arya’s list pretty soon? If that happens this season, well, RIP us because it’s hard to live with an exploded brain.
bran and arya catch up
“I saw you at the crossroads,” Bran tells Arya. All right mate, this isn’t Love Island and you’re not Marcel from Blazin’ Squad. Still, Bran’s weirdness leads to an important moment, him handing Arya the Valyrian steel dagger Littlefinger’s crony used to try to assassinate him way back in season one. That means Arya has a Valyrian steel weapon now - which is hugely significant for the war to come. Valyrian steel and dragonglass are the only weapons that can kill White Walkers. So it looks like our fave is safe for the time being.
As if this episode didn’t contain enough fan service, we cut to Dragonstone and the subtlest hint that Dany fancies Jon (we mean, who wouldn’t after a romantic trip into a cave to gawp at some dragon glass? Wookey Hole eat your heart out!) which will make several shippers very happy.
But then Jon shows Dany some cave paintings (which are so on the nose in terms of what he needs from her - to team up against the White Walkers - we’re pretty sure he drew them himself) and it’s back to her wanting him to bend the knee. Should have quit while you were ahead Jon!
arya vs brienne
Okay, so we can’t write too much about this scene because we’re crying too hard. Arya, in Winterfell, sword-fighting, using the skills that Syrio gave her. OUR FEELINGS.
Now, can someone hurry up and add some lightsaber effects to this scene for us please? Thanks.
TAKE THAT PHASMA!
jon and theon reunited
We’re going to ignore the bit where Missandei (an interpreter) hasn’t heard of the concept of a bastard (which seems slightly unlikely, seeing as she knows about everything else in Westeros, but okay) and cut straight to the bit where Theon washes up on Dragonstone, because IT’S QUITE SIGNIFICANT.
After seasons and seasons of keeping all these characters as far apart as possible, everyone’s back together. Don’t expect hugs from this scene though, Theon did all those bad things in Winterfell in season two, remember? Luckily, he saved Sansa in season five, or Jon would have killed him in season seven (this one).
um, what just happened?
WE CANNOT COPE. WE’RE DONE. WE QUIT.
First, we get arguably the greatest battle in Game Of Thrones history (it’s the first one that features a Dragon turning Lannister soldiers into literal ashes, after all). Then Bronn SHOOTS DROGON, and we worry we’re going to be the ones who die because we can’t actually deal with seeing a dragon getting killed today, but then Drogon turns around and fries that big crossbow thing and we breathe a sigh of relief the size of Wun Wun.
But then we gasp, because it looks like Jaime’s going to die, but then someone saves him, and he doesn’t. Or does he? We did mention that heavy golden hand earlier, we’re pretty sure that thing doesn’t float.
WHAT’S GOING ON AND CAN WE TELEPORT TO NEXT WEEK SO WE CAN FIND OUT PLEASE?
Now get checking out the GOT cast revealing the craziest fan theories ever....