Game of Thrones S7 E6 Recap: 10 Things That Made Us Basically Die in ‘Beyond The Wall’
Shall we begin?
Usually, Game Of Thrones saves its most shocking moments for each season’s ninth episode. But because we’ve only got seven episodes in total this year, it turns out we’ve already reached the most action-packed / bonkers sixty minutes of this show EVER. We knew it would be intense but we were not prepared for this.
MESSAGE TO THE GAME OF THRONES WRITERS - COULD YOU START CONSIDERING OUR FEELINGS, PLEASE? THANKS IN ADVANCE.
polar bear attack
After a bit of wandering around in the snow so playful it felt like it could have been footage of Jon and his mates on a skiing holiday - except, you know, a skiing holiday where one of the guests (Tormund) threatens to have sex with another of the guests (Gendry) in order to keep warm - things got serious. Like, huge, rageful zombie bear serious.
During a sequence that made us jump off our sofa so frequently we felt like we were watching a horror movie, an undead bear roared out of the snow and started picking people off. We didn’t really recognise most of those people (or actually remember them going along, but whatever), but one person we definitely did recognise. Mainly because he used to be Dennis Pennis.
RIP Thoros, thanks for all the booze jokes, and for bringing back Beric so many times. If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t have awesome lightsaber-style fire-swords, and the show would be much poorer without those things. Just look at them!
white walker attack
Sure, Jon, having survived a zombie bear attack, why not almost immediately take on a White Walker and his gang of Wight mates? Miraculously, Snow managed to kill this particular White Walker far swifter than the one at Hardhome (there, it was a long fight, here it was basically one parry, then a killing blow), especially as the moment this White Walker shattered, most of his Wight pals collapsed. All except one, which just so happens to be the exact number of Wights our heroes went beyond the wall to capture. Don’t you just love it when that happens?
Unfortunately, that Wight was a bit of a Chatty Cathy, and called up all of his pals, who promptly chased, and surrounded our heroes. Thankfully, they made it to an ice island, with the Wights having to wait it out, or face falling into the ice water. You’d think the Wights would be cool with cold water, what with being ice demons and everything, but whatever keeps Jon, Jorah, Tormund and The Hound alive (and okay, Beric too), we’re absolutely fine with.
dany’s winter collection
Maybe it’s because we’re super into fashion, but Dany’s winter look (basically a fur replica of the outfit she’s been wearing all season) gave us one of the biggest cheers of the episode. HBO, please turn this into an action figure so we can collect it. Or better yet, send us this costume so we can wear it.
NO THE HOUND. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THE HOUND? For reasons known only to himself, the Hound (admittedly not the most patient person in the world) starts throwing rocks at the Wights, which makes them realise that the ice has refrozen and they can totally attack Jon Snow and the rest.
OH THANKS THE HOUND, OUR STRESS LEVELS WEREN’T ALREADY HIGH ENOUGH, SO WE REALLY APPRECIATE YOU DOING THIS.
Our heroes are swarmed by a bunch of zombie idiots, and it basically looks like they’re definitely going to die. Until…
dany to the rescue
YES. OH GOD YES. THANK YOU JESUS. This was basically the biggest moment of the episode for us, and possibly our lives.
As Game Of Thrones geeks, we’ve been waiting for Dany to take her dragons north of the wall for, well, around 20 years. So, to see it play out onscreen was a transcendent experience that made us scream YAAAAAAAAS at the top of our lungs, as we watched all of our George RR Martin dreams come true.
It was pretty much the best experience we’ve ever had. Well, until…
Drogon might have escaped the dragon’s graveyard when he shrugged off Bronn’s bolts from Qyburn’s scorpion, but Viserion wasn’t so lucky this week. As it turns out, the Night King’s magical ice spears are far more effective than something a mad scientist cooked up in his lab. One lucky shot at the poor beast, and Viserion was sent spiralling into the ice, leaving behind a disturbing blood spray as he fell. WE FOUND THIS TO BE VERY UPSETTING.
To add insult to injury, Viserion immediately sank into the freezing water, meaning Dany couldn’t even give him a proper goodbye. Which is a shame, as that’s definitely the last we’ll see of him. Definitely.
benjen to the rescue
Forced to leave Jon Snow behind, Dany and basically everyone we love rode away on the back of a dragon and we were immediately relieved that we only lost Thoros and Viserion to this cruel episode (even if, technically, one of them was the saddest Game Of Thrones loss yet). That is, until we realised that JON SNOW IS GOING TO DIE (again).
We maintained that position until Uncle Benjen (half human, half Wight, all Stark) came riding to the rescue, sticking Jon on the back of a horse before charging head-first into certain death. RIP Benjen. You may have been a bit of an undead deus ex machina, but we still loved you.
sansa vs arya
After finding a knapsack full of faces (an experience that’s surely pretty low down on most people’s bucket list), Sansa freaks out - but things go from bad to awful when Arya walks in and decides to go all creepy, advising Sansa cuts her own face off or something. We are so very not into this potential war between the Stark sisters, so we really hope they sort it out soon (next week, ideally) by realising that Littlefinger is the real enemy. JUST LOOK AT HIM.
dany and Jon bond
Hubba hubba, you could cut the sexual tension with a Valyrian steel sword (which is going to be super-awkward if some of the current fan theories are correct, but we digress) as Dany sits on Jon’s bed, gives his sexy scars the side-eye and promises to help him destroy the Night King whilst holding his hand. Isn’t it lovely? This is fine, this is all totally fine.
Oh boy, the Night King is definitely in trouble now. After all, it’s not as if he has a dragon of his own, is it? IS IT?
NOW, HANG ON A MINUTE. First the Wights drag Viserion out of the water (using chains that… they… just… happened to have… nearby, maybe?), then the creepy Night King works his zombie magic on Dany’s son, bringing him back to life with the bright blue eyes of a Wight?! That’s just not on.
Does this mean that the Night King now has an ice dragon? Does this also mean that the Night King can basically fly to King’s Landing on the back of his ice dragon as quickly as Dany got beyond the wall from Dragonstone? DOES THIS MEAN IT BREATHES ICE INSTEAD OF FIRE?
Seriously, did we get confused and Game Of Thrones actually ends for good next week instead of next year? Because this is such a major game-changer, we’re fairly certain everyone’s going to be dead in seven days time. Including us.
- By Sam Ashurst @samashurst