Gemma Styles: Clearing Up Some Headphone Confusion
"You are the absolute worst and I hope you bite an apple with a worm in it."
You know that niggling feeling you get when something’s on your mind? You can’t quite remember something? Or don’t know how to solve a problem? Well don’t worry, I know what’s been bothering you, guys; people have been listening to music and it’s been more difficult for you to start an unwanted conversation. Don’t worry though, because Dan Bacon, self-proclaimed “dating and relationship expert” is here to help – his latest article, “How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones” has been picked up for sharing all over the internet, presumably because he is such a visionary.
He’s got loads of pictures of him sat next to or kissing women so clearly he knows what he’s talking about. If you’re not taking the advice of someone who teaches “ordinary guys how to get laid” then you’re obviously missing a trick.
Dan’s helpful guide includes “What to Do to Get Her Attention”, featuring brilliant insights such as “wave your hand in her direct line of vision” and “pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she fully understands what you mean.” As we’re all aware, if you wave your hand in someone’s face and they try their best to ignore you and get on with their life uninterrupted, they probably just didn’t know what you meant.
One of the “common mistakes” men apparently make when harassing women wearing headphones is “sticking to polite or reserved conversation”. Dude... she’s never going to like you if you’re polite to her.
Among Dan’s other shrewd looks into the female mind are articles entitled “Why Doesn’t My Ex Girlfriend Care That We’ve Broken Up?”, “My Ex is Telling Me to Move On” and “My Ex is Telling Everyone That I’m Crazy.” Why has this weird, weird man taken it upon himself to become king of the needy ex boyfriends? Leave these poor women alone, you horrifying moron!
Dan, how dare you sully bacon for me? You are ruining bacon’s good name. Who let you have a website?
[Side note: one of my favourite journalistic diamonds on Dan’s blog is one where he explains the reasons that a thigh gap is so attractive to men. Brace yourselves.
“2. It shows that she is a female because there are no hanging balls.” GOLD.]
The huge, underlying issue shown up by this and other similar posts is the idea that women are fragile little creatures who ultimately just want to be pursued and adored by a man who can then take care of them. With nuggets of wisdom such as “some women like to test to see how confident a guy is by ignoring his attempts to converse with her and then seeing what he does next,” this noxious fart of a how-to paints women as scheming nutters, constantly plotting tests for any man they meet to see if he’s manly enough to sling her over his shoulder and carry her back to his cave. Spoiler alert: we’re not thinking enough about you to be planning tests for you.
This steaming turd of a blog is the reason we all need feminism. Women aren’t two-dimensional creatures who all think alike and can be controlled with a couple of helpful tips. Equally, men aren’t all mindless goblins like Dan who don’t want to listen to anyone. In his advice for dealing with a woman on her period, he advises:
“If she is threatening to hurt you or hit you, just laugh and say, “Oooh, you’re a little tough girl now. Oooh, how scary. Let me feel your muscles. Wow, you’re tough” and laugh at her and the situation.”
A) Threatening to hit someone isn’t a funny joke. Men experience domestic violence too – don’t tell them they should laugh and simply “bring interactions back to love.”
B) You are the absolute worst and I hope you bite an apple with a worm in it.
So, tl;dr: how to speak to a woman wearing headphones? Just don’t. This advice is rubbish. There are other fish in the sea. Stop pestering people and try speed dating instead.