9 Reasons Why Your Friends Going To Glastonbury Is Literally The Worst Thing Ever
Besides the obvious fact that you are not there.
Right, if you’re reading this then there’s a good chance that you’re not at Glastonbury, where 130,000ish grown adults are currently prancing about wearing ponchos and drinking £7 beer.
But if you’re currently feeling some major FOMO at the fact that your friends have left you behind, don’t worry, because it’s going to get so much worse. Here’s why…
1. They’ll be absolutely useless to you for at least two weeks afterwards
“Still got the sniffles from Glasto, mate,” they’ll tell you a full 14 days after they’ve returned from Worthy Farm. “Just not fully recovered”, as if they’ve been so broken that they can’t handle a trip to the pub. Weaklings.
2. The “Oh, remember when…” conversations
NO WE DON’T ‘REMEMBER WHEN’ BECAUSE WE WEREN’T THERE. But please, continue to tell us that hilarious, and 90% of the time, mud-related story. It’s even funnier the third time.
3. The constant post-Glasto moaning
You know the ones. Soon as they’ve swapped their SIM cards back into their iPhones, they’re the ones tweeting, “Take me back” along with a subtle 15 crying face emojis.
YOU chose to go off and live your 'ultimate utopia', and now you must fall back into the bleak depths of reality. The rest of us lowered our standards years ago.
4. You can never, ever be outnumbered by them again
The endless reminiscing, the inside jokes, the reunion plans with new pals that will 1000% never ever happen, these are all legitimate reasons for you to end your friendship now. Cut your losses and just walk away, nobody would blame you.
5. You will want to call them out on all their too good to be true stories
Oh, you were stood right next to Kimmy K during Kanye’s set were ya? Didn’t get a picture? WELL THEN IT DIDN’T HAPPEN MATE, BASIC RULES OF STORYTELLING.
6. They’ll start planning next year’s trip as if it’s a military mission
There is no such concept as ‘time’ anymore, just the countdown to Glasto 2016. There’s a WhatsApp group dedicated to it and, shock, you’re not one of the members. Just the original 2015 crew. You are officially an outsider.
7. Don’t even bother trying to listen to a Glastonbury artist ever again
Every time you press play on a Kanye, Florence or FKA twigs song, they’ll be there, watching.
“So much better live, this,” your friend will say. “The album version doesn’t even do it justice.” Well, that’s probably a terrible way to sell records, then.
8. They. Will. Never. Take. Off. Those. Stupid. Wristbands
It’s 2075, and you’re at your so-called friend's funeral (it’s not even that sad though, because souls can be transferred into robots by then, so don't feel bad).
On said body is their 2015 Glastonbury wristband, the sign of a TRUE FAN. Shame it was the bacteria from the disgusting piece of fabric that ended up killing them.
9. You know what, you might just need to go make some new friends…
Start fresh; maybe befriend some sweet old ladies who don’t even know what Glastonbury is. That would be a simpler world, and one where you would never have to hear the phrase ‘secret set’ or see a flower crown ever again.
There you go, that’s your life sorted. You can thank us later.