MTV Review: Godzilla

UK Release Date: May 15

Certificate: 12A

Running Time: 123 mins

Cast: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Bryan Cranston, Juliette Binoche, Sally Hawkins.

Director: Gareth Edwards.

Plot: The Philippines. Some bloody huge monster fossils are unearthed down a mine. In Japan. A bloody huge “earthquake” causes a nuclear meltdown in a nuclear power plant. 15 years later. The nuclear power plant is now a quarantined zone, not because of the meltdown but because the reactor’s chimney has a little bit of an insect infestation: a bloody huge chrysalis clinging onto it.

From this bloody huge chrysalis a bloody-huge-monster-moth-thingy hatches (or “MUTO” to use the correct name.), stamps on some scientists, flutters off to America to, we learn, get jiggy with an even more bloody-huge-lady-monster-moth-thingy and take over the world with their little bug babies (which I assume will grow up to be bloody huge too.) The puny humans are powerless to prevent this procreation but luckily they have protection (not a bloody huge condom) but a scaly antihero from the ocean’s depths called Godzilla who appears to stop the amorous intentions of these radioactive randy moth thingies. #OMFGZILLA!

Best Scene: A platoon of brave (or stupid…) paratroopers plummet through a black dust cloud with a trail of red smoke trailing from their ankles (if it was me it wouldn’t be red smoke; it’d be brown. And it wouldn’t be coming from my ankles…) Their mission to track down an antique nuclear warhead soon becomes a mission to avoid getting squashed like woodlice as the radioactive mega-beasts kick ten megatons of sh*t out of each other and make Chinatown resemble an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet after a rugby club’s drunken night out.   

Best One Liner: Seeing the bloody-huge-monster-moth-thingy terrorizing Hawaii, Godzilla says: “ROOOOAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!” (which, loosely translated is, “Ummm excuse me, Muto. Your behaviour is just not on. Look at the terrible mess you’ve made of HawaiI. These hardworking humans in their muumuus and terribly loud surf shirts do not want to see this carry on. Don’t make me come over there and give you a spank. So behave yourself.”

Date Movie or Mate Movie: For God’s sake! THIS IS A MONSTER MOVIE. 

Scene Stealer: Obvs when a five-mile high Godzilla makes his first full screen appearance on a Honolulu airfield and punches the bloody-huge-monster-moth-thingy in the face.  

WTF Moment: With perfect timing Godzilla saves the day (and the Earth) by blowing his bright blue fire breath right down the throat of the bloody-huge-lady-monster-moth-thingy. Smint anyone?

Summary: Right. This Godzilla movie is a million times better than that massive pile of radioactive monster manure that was the 90s Godzilla remake. Good. Much like Monsters, director Gareth Edwards excellent indie monster-movie debut, the focus of Godzilla isn’t on the monsters but on the personal relationships between a set of ordinary characters in extraordinary circumstances (and it doesn’t get more extraordinary than a trio of nuclear-charged nasties trying to cause a monster apocalypse – well apart from Lindsey Lohan’s extraordinarily inflating lips.)

Unfortunately these characters are – given their circumstances – God-awfully dull. If they were squished underneath one of Godzilla’s size 5000 feet I wouldn’t have been too bothered. But weak characterization aside, this movie is all about one character – one bloody huge character – GODZILLA. He (assuming he’s a he… He might not be. As he turns skyscrapers into scrap metal you never catch a glimpse of “his” bloody huge monster balls) is the big star of this film and steals every scene he’s in making this summer blockbuster bloody huge fun. God bless you Godzilla!

By Michael Currell @MTVUK