84 Thoughts I Had While Watching The Final Episode Of 'Gossip Girl' Having Never Seen 'Gossip Girl'

It's back. The second instalment of making an absolute TV novice watch the finale of a show they've never seen. 

You may remember we did it with Friends earlier this year so after the hilarity that ensued, I'm back with another TV classic, Gossip Girl.

(Warning: Die-hard Gossip Girl fans may be offended, I still can't quite remember the name of Blake Lively's character. Soz.)

1.    Right, here goes. Another show with cultural relevance that somehow passed me by.
2.    The ‘previously on Gossip Girl’ part is pretty confusing, tbh. 
3.    Loads of really good looking people are saying really dramatic things.
4.    I like it!
5.    “Don't get on the plane.” Am I watching the final episode of Friends again?
6.    Some old guy falls off a building and no one helped him.
7.    Apparently he’s the ‘Man Of The Year', why did no-one help him?
8.    A death already. Dark.
9.    This is pretty intense.
10.    Okay, some hot guy is a writer.
11.    I would read his books.
12.    Blake Lively is reading something. His work? 
13.    Just a stab in the dark.
14.    Okay, so they're all wondering who Gossip Girl is.
15.    This is also a question I’m pondering over…

16.    Bart Bass is the guy who died. What a name.
17.    And the event was for him. I guess he was pretty important.
18.    It's all a bit dodgy.
19.    Another hot guy. This one is under suspicion by the police. Damn.
20.    This Chuck guy seems like a bit of a tool.
21.    I don’t like him. I’ve decided.
22.    The maid's just kindly that his relationship with 'Blair' has 'lots of ups and downs'. Context always helps.
23.    Chuck's basically a full-blown fugitive now. A guy calling himself 'Uncle Jack' is here to help. Creepy AF. 
24.    Now Chuck's talking like Bane from Batman.
25.    He's getting pretty moody.
26.    Blair reckons they “can live off the land" if they escape to a desert island.
27.    Seems like a valid lifestyle choice.
28.    Or marriage. That works too.
29.    Oh, it's all very lovey dovey, even though they've basically been forced into a marriage.
30.    We just killed a guy and now we're having a romantic proposal in a hotel room. Standard.

31.    "THE LAST TIME BART DIED"?!?
32.    Completely lost now. How can you die more than once?
33.    Did he fake it the first time?
34.    Aha! A flashback. This might clear some things up.
35.    Everyone's style is questionable.
36.    It must be the early noughties.
37.    The hot guys have VERY bad haircuts.
38.    But young Blake Lively is still stunning.
39.    Now we’re back in the present.
40.    Chuck and Blair look like they’re about to get married in secret, with no frills - just what every girl dreams of.
41.    Right, an old man is stitching up the young girl (Ivy?) to be with the woman who's just lost her husband.
42.    So a girl getting soaked in a white dress was the beginning of Gossip Girl. 
43.    Or has this guy just been stalking Blake Lively his whole life and writing about it?
44.    Or both?
45.    I haven’t quite figured out what Blake Lively’s character is called yet. Sorry about that.

46.    Are these two policeman? Or are they just trying to work out a fictional character? 
47.    They seem pretty important.
48.    WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL?
49.    I think I might have already missed the big reveal…
50.    I'm so confused.
51.    Are these people all celebrities?
52.    So they're in a museum and are all clearly BFFs.
53.    A very glittery wedding dress. I like it.
54.    Blair IS getting a sparkly wedding after all. N’aw.
55.    “Ancient history?”. This gives me no context guys, come on!
56.    “You don't know the whole story.” Tell me about it, Blake! 
57.    Chuck has changed into a beautiful white suit. They're not skimping on these stunning costume changes.
58.    Trust the police to ruin this beautiful moment.
59.    I guess this is what happens when you're a fugitive.
60.    He still manages one more smoldering look before he gets taken away. What a guy.

61.    Apparently, giving the last chapter to the Spectator was questionable…
62.    Everyone's looking at their phones and they're all pretty confused.
63.    Kristen Bell!? What is SHE doing here?
64.    Anna?!
65.    “Let it go! Let it go!”
66.    And she just winked at the camera. CRINGE.
67.    So Gossip Girl is a guy?!
68.    Okay, he's called Dan and there's a guy that's angry at him.
69.    Oh it's his Dad, fair enough.
70.    Now here comes the motivational speech.
71.    Chuck's free! 
72.    And still as husky as the start of this episode.
73.    This actually does feel like a finale.
74.    “Gossip Girl’s dead.” Oh.
75.    Who's this little kid?

76.    What?! Chuck has a baby?
77.    He still sounds like Bane.
78.    Is this a flash forward? I’m totally lost.
79.    Unless he kept his baby a secret this whole episode.
80.    Wait, who's getting married now? This feels like a wedding…
81.    Blake's in a big gold dress.
82.    So she's marrying the guy who was Gossip Girl?!
83.    And Kristen Bell is talking again, saying something ambiguous…
84.    THE END! XOXO

By Megan Downing