15 Really Weird Harry Potter Fan Theories That Will Ruin Your Childhood
This changes EVERYTHING.
Merlin’s beard! These mental theories really set the cats among the pixies.
Yep, we’ve been slinking around the internetz, working like house elves, to find you the weirdest HP fan theories. So, what do you say - ready to ruin your childhood?
1. Ron is a time-travelling Dumbledore (AKA Ronbledore)
The main evidence boils down to the fact they look kind of similar - tall, thin, and both have or had ginger locks. Oh and the earth shattering revelation that they both like sweeties. There is a bit more blathering about Ron’s chess pieces in The Philosophers Stone being a metaphor for Dumbledore’s overall role and so on…but none of that even matters because the beautiful but short-lived entity that is Ronbledore has been rendered codswallop by the author herself.
2. Draco Malfoy is a werewolf
What if the reason Draco is such a gross little elitist is because he’s harbouring his own dirty little secret? Having to conceal your shameful werewolf ways while Magic Hitler was bezzie mates with your parents would certainly take its toll on most people. No wonder Draco is such a psychopath. Oh but wait, like Ronbledore before, JK Rowling has said this theory is not true.
3. Horcruxes were created by cannibalism
Horcruxes are an integral part of the series, but just how He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named managed to split his naughty soul into seven pieces and evade death was never fully explained. So one HP theorist decided he must have used cannibalism.
It’s long been associated with gaining strength in the past (ew), plus the only way to make a Horcrux is through murder. We all know Voldy was a bit of a bad egg, but canablismism? Say it ain’t so Ol’ No Nose!
4. The Harry Potter trio are only in Gryffindor because they asked
We all know Gryffindor is the house of the brave (and, let’s be honest, smug) but what if the students in it are only there because they asked?
This theory suggests Hermione should have been in Ravenclaw (obvz), Ron in Hufflepuff (lol) and Harry in Slytherin (#instabad). Yet instead they all ended up in Gryffindor because they had the courage to ask.
5. Harry never actually left the cupboard under the stairs
Hazza-P had a bit pretty rough ride; his parents were murdered, his new family were abusive, he lived in a freaking cupboard under the stairs etcetera. So what if the entire wizarding world was just an escape from his traumatic childhood?
What if – oh god, a million childhoods ruined in one fell swoop – Hogwarts wasn’t even real and Ron and Hermione just sad little figments of his miserable, insane imagination?
6. Crookshanks is actually Lily Potter's cat
There is a letter in which Lily mentioned they have a cat (and HP Jnr nearly ran it over with his toy broomstick), when Hermione buys Crookshanks the owner at Magical Menagerie tells her she had Crookshanks for quite a while, not to mention Crookshanks quickly recognises Scabbers (Peter) and the dog (Sirius) whom she would have remembered from the Potter Residence? Promising stuff.
7. J. K. Rowling is Rita Skeeter
This mindbender of a theory argues that after discovering her work was so heavily fabricated Rita Skeeter was exiled from the magical community and forced to live amongst the Muggles.
In a bid to make enough money to live (#muggleproblems), she started writing again and so the Harry Potter series was born. Hold your hippogriffs…you know what this means? It’s all real!
8. Harry was a figment of Ron's imagination
This theory was baked up by none other than J.K Rowling herself. According to her Harry was a figment of Ron’s imagination. His siblings were doing their own thing and he was lonely so he created Harry – The Chosen One. We should probably mention that joker J.K shared these revelations on April 1st and was, indeed, just yanking your wand.
9. Ginny dosed Harry with a love potion
Ginny has always had a bit of a soft spot, at times bordering on obsession, for The Boy Who Lives. But Harry’s feelings were much more sudden. Slightly suss.
Plus Mrs Weasley admitted to using love potion when at school, so there is a family history of dabbling with dubious love drugs (should someone call Jeremy Kyle?) When you really think about it, this theory is pretty grim.
10. Dumbledore is Death
The ‘Three Brothers’ theory is widely accepted and states that Voldy is the eldest brother who wants the powerful wand, Snape is the troubled, depressing middle child who wants the resurrection stone to bring back his lost love and Harry is the youngest brother who greeted death like an old friend.
Remember when Harry kind of half dies after being hit by the killing curse, and who should greet him? Why Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (AKA death) of course! JK was so impressed she called this theory ‘beautiful’ on Twitter.
11. Harry Potter is immortal
Trelawney got a lot of stick for teaching the lofty subject of divination, she also had a rather grim tradition of predicting her students (frequently inaccurate) deaths. That said, she did a solid when she predicted that “either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives” re: Harry and Voldemort.
Most people understood that meant Harry had to kill Voldemort, else he’d be killed by Voldemort. But this theory argues that the only way one could die was at the hand of the other, thus making Potter immortal. The ultimate tragedy as he could never return to the ones he loves e.g. his parents, Sirius of Dumbledore. Are you crying yet? There is no shame.
12. Hufflepuff is full of stoners
I mean, it’s right there in the name. HufflePUFF. It’s always been a bit of a nothing house with no clear identity beyond the students generally being pretty good-natured and friendly. You know why? Because they are perma-stoned. There dormitory is located right next to the kitchen, concrete evidence if ever we saw it.
13. The Dursleys had a good reason for being so mean
The Dursleys are pretty much the worst. But why, pray tell, is this repugnant family not to blame for their violent disliking of our dear protagonist? They are under the spell of a Horcrux, duh!
We all know that Horcruxes drive those nearby mad; remember when the trio are hunting them down towards the end? They all start to unravel after just a few months. And as we later find out, HP was himself a Horcrux, so living with him for an entire decade would surely drive the Dursleys demented.
14. Voldemort’s do isn’t a style choice
This theory suggests Voldy’s slick bald do isn’t actually because of his passion for fashion, but in fact, to avoid anyone from making polyjuice potion from it and thus being able to impersonate him. Still, it’s a badass barnet for a baddie regardless.
15. Professor McGonagall is a traitor
Minerva is one boss witch and I for one think this theory is tosh, but some (loopy) HP theorists out there think she is a traitor or even possible an *audible gasp* Death Eater.
Some of it stems from the first night on Privet Drive when she was lurking outside the Dursley residence and acting a bit ruffled and weird. Look, there are whole essays on this theory if you’re into this perverse kind of nonsense. We’re stopping here though, because Minnie is fly. End of.
- By Abby Driver @abby_driver