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Confession. I’m a 33-year-old film fan and I've never seen a single Harry Potter movie. Not one. I've never read the books either. I know absolutely nothing about Harry Potter… Or, at least, I know very little about it. Him. Whatever.

There’s no real reason, other than I just never got around to it. In the same way that I still haven’t got around to throwing out my ex-girlfriend’s toothbrush or setting up an Instagram account or using the juicer that I bought last Christmas.

But today, my world is going to change. I'm going to jump in at the deep end. I’m going to watch Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 2. (Seriously, though, who could be bothered to watch them ALL?)

I'm very excited about it.

1. DOBBY IS DEAD!!! Who is Dobby?
2. Whoever Dobby is at least they’re buried on a beach, which, all things considered isn’t a bad place to be buried. My granddad is buried in dirt in Stoke-On-Trent. May he rest in peace.
3. Here’s Harry Potter, Emma Watson and the ginger one. They look really old now; like actual teenagers.
4. A goblin dude wearing pyjamas is talking to Harry Potter about the sword of Gryffindor.
5. What’s Gryffindor?
6. Harry Potter has struck a bargain with the goblin dude in pyjamas. Foolish! Never strike deals with goblins. Remember Rumplestiltskin?
7. John Hurt has crazy wild white hair and he's holding a stick.
8. Wait… it's not a stick. My mistake. It’s actually a 12 3/4 inch walnut wand which belonged to Bellatrix.
9. I have no idea what a Bellatrix is.
10. OK. So there’s three deathly hallows: a wand, a clock and a resurrection stone. If you get all three you become the Master of Death, just like Harold Shipman but more magical.

11. YES! We’re going on an adventure...
12. Why is Harry Potter wearing a hoody? It doesn't seem very wizardly to me.
13. Is that Helena Bonham Carter?
14. AHH! A Bellatrix is Helena Bonham Carter.
15. Why are they in a cave? I thought they were at the bank. Did I miss something?
16. S**T! THERE’S A DRAGON!
17. Harry Potter and co are in a vault full of treasure and goblets. The goblets are multiplying. This bank must have a high interest rate.
18. Wasn’t there another Harry Potter movie about goblets?
19. Goblin dude and bank gnome that looks like Sven-Goran Eriksson just stitched up Harry Potter. What did I say about making deals with goblins? DON’T!
20. This seems like a perilous ordeal just for a cup. Is it a magic cup or something? (It is? Oh. Never mind.)

21. **FLASHBACK ALERT** Some angry guy with no nose is being evil and stuff. I assume No Nose is a past nemesis of Harry Potter’s.
22. No Nose and his pet python walk/slither across a pile of massacred gnomes. YES! There’s the goblin dude that stitched up Harry Potter. He’s dead! Good.
23. Harry Potter and co are having a beer. They must be thirsty (and have fake ID).
24. Some Beardy Bloke is talking about Dumbledore.
25. Ah! Dumbledore is Beardy Bloke’s bro.
26. Who is Dumbledore?
27. WTF?! The painting of the Frumpy Lady on the wall is alive. And some kid in a cardigan just popped out of her passage!
28. Now we're in a room full of young and dirty public wizard school kids.
29. They're all behaving like Harry Potter is some sort of four-eyed Jesus (or the Domino's delivery driver on a hangover day).
30. Now Harry's having a wand fight with Alan Rickman. This will be good.

31. Dame Maggie Smith steps in and fights Alan Rickman for him. Bit embarrassing Harry Potter.
32. Wait… where did that creepy voice come from?
33. What’s a Horcrux?
34. No Nose and his posse are firing what looks like magic sperms at Harry Potter’s castle. Hope Harry Potter’s got protection. A portcullis, or something.
35. Harry’s castle does have protection. A force field. Nice one Harry Potter.
36. Emma Watson just stabbed a goblet. And then a No Nose water monster appeared. And now she's all wet.
37. A SNOG! The ginger one and Emma Watson just snogged. WTF?!
38. OH FFS! Stoke are losing. (Little known fact: Stoke FC's nickname is The Potters.)
39. THE BRIDGE IS ON FIRE!
40. I DON’T KNOW WHY THE BRIDGE IS ON FIRE!

41. PANIC! There are public wizard school kids running around everywhere. It’s like being at One Direction's last ever concert.
42. Harry Potter’s just kissed one of them. A girl. Smooth. Are Harry Potter and co sexually active now?
43. Harry Potter’s found a box. Whatever’s in this box must be important.
44. A tiara? I mean, why not?
45. UH-OH! Bad guy wizards with sticks have caught Harry Potter.
46. Wands. Not sticks. Sorry.
47. Now there's a fire snake. Why doesn’t Harry Potter just do a water spell or something?
48. AMAZING! They’re escaping on flying broomsticks! YES!
49. Hang on! No Nose does have a nose! It’s just a little nose. Like a Michael Jackson nose.
50. CRIKEY! Harry’s castle is getting battered right now. There’s ogres and massive tarantulas running riot. It’s all gone a bit Lord Of The Rings.

51. I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. I need a cup of tea.
52. I've just realised that Alan Rickman and No Nose are in cahoots. They want the "wand".
53. I have no idea what “wand” they’re talking about.
54. No Nose just killed Alan Rickman. There’s a lot of murder in this movie. I thought Harry Potter was for kids?
55. There’s that threatening voice again. It wants Harry Potter to join it in the “Forbidden Forest". Sounds a bit kinky…
56. I really hope this voice is in the movie and not just in my head.
57. There are piles of dead public wizard school kids littering the castle’s floor. Harry Potter looks sad. Why doesn’t Harry Potter just magic them all back to life?
58. Maybe Harry Potter hasn’t done that class yet.
59. If I could do any spell it would be for Stoke to score NOW!
60. Everyone is talking about Voldemort. Whoever that is.

61. I feel like I’ve been sucked into a Harry Potter vortex and all the movies are being force fed into my eyeballs.
62. And I still don't have a clue what's going on.
63. I had a friend who went to that Harry Potter theme park once. They tried to feed me a vomit flavoured jelly bean. It was DISGUSTING.
64. OK. I think Harry Potter is in the Forbidden Forest now. He's with some ghosts. One has a moustache. And CRACKER'S THERE! (IMDB it.)
65. Harry Potter and No Nose are finally going to have a big fat magic wand fight. YES!
66. Wait… WHAT?
67. Harry Potter in a massive bright white room, there’s a bloody No Nose foetus on the floor.
68. KING’S CROSS TRAIN STATION?!! Trust me - King’s Cross looks nothing like this.
69. OHHHH! NO NOSE IS VOLDEMORT!
70. We're back in the Forbidden Forest. And I feel like I have alzheimer's.

71. HARRY POTTER IS DEAD!
72. WHAT? Harry Potter isn’t dead. He’s alive. And he’s fighting No Nose aka Voldemort.
73. OK. Some old ladies are fighting now. I mean. Why not.
74. I really don’t know anything anymore.
75. The kid in the cardigan just chopped the head off of No Nose’s python. That must be dead.
76. No Nose has just disintegrated into the thin air. I think Harry Potter has slain him once and for all.
77. But if this movie has taught me anything, it’s that No Nose will probably just reappear again shortly.
78. Everyone is hugging Harry Potter. He should watch out. I got hugged by a stranger outside King’s Cross once and they stole my wallet.
79. Harry Potter just snapped a stick.
80. WAND! It was a wand! Sorry.

81. URGH! Stoke lost. Now I’m depressed. It’s going to be one long and difficult season (much like this movie).
82. **FLASHFORWARD ALERT!** “19 YEARS LATER…” 19 YEARS??!!! When was Harry Potter set? The 80s?
83. Harry Potter and co are all grown up. They look a bit scary, tbh.
84. Harry Potter is a dad with that girl he kissed in the castle. Aww. And he has stubble. LOL.
85. Emma Watson is married to the ginger one. WHAT?
86. Loads of little kids are getting on a train. They’re going to Hogwarts I suspect. Or there’s a world war and they’re being evacuated…
87. There are no words for what I have just seen. I understood nothing.
88. I probably should've watched Harry’s adventures from the very beginning.
89. If I had a magic wand I would abracadabra Stoke a new central midfielder and a fast wizard out on the wing. Just saying.

'By Mike Currell'