Holly Hagan Reveals How Bullies Ruined Her Childhood
In a new extract from her biography, Not Quite A Geordie, the Geordie Shore star reveals how years of bullying led her to self-harm...
In her new biography, Not Quite A Geordie, Holly has revealed that she wasn't always the popular, bubbly person we've come to know and love. She didn't have an easy time at school, and being picked on because of her weight, and attacked by her schoolmates eventually led to self-harming.
The reality star recalls the first moment she felt singled out, aged just 10.
"I remember exactly what triggered the weight issues like it was yesterday. It was at a school disco when I was ten years old," Holly writes.
"I wore the same skirt as a different girl but mine was three sizes bigger, everyone humiliated me for it.
"Those comments always stuck in my head. From then on I started looking at all my other friends body shapes and realising I was bigger than them.
"It had never really occurred to me before but I can pinpoint all my issues with my weight and body confidence back to that school disco.
"At 10-years-old, I felt like a hippo and no one should ever feel like that at such a young age.
"It still upsets me now when I think about how a few nonsense comments had such a profound effect on my life as an adult.
"These feelings of insecurity and inadequacy have always been at the forefront of my mind for as long as I can remember."
Holly goes on to explain how the bullying continued out of school. She was the victim of online abuse that eventually turned to violence when she was attacked by a group of girls.
"The three of them continued to hammer me with their fists," Holly recalls.
"They pulled my hair and dragged me to the ground, so I was primed for a good kicking. Every time I tried to get up and run away, one of them would drag me back and give me another beating. I didn’t say a word to them. I didn’t want to look like a whimp. In my school, it was important that you didn’t look soft, so I just took what they threw at me.
"They pushed my face into the ground and I could feel the dirt swilling around my mouth with blood. And you know what made it all worse? Practically the whole school was watching this mindless violence and not one person tried to break it up."
Years of bullying eventually led Holly to self-harm. In a moving extract, released by the Daily Mail, she describes one shocking incident.
"I went home that evening and closed myself in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, at my face that was awash with tears and mascara.
"I stared at my image for an unusually long time, taking in all my features one by one and trying to understand why everyone thought I was so ugly. I wished I could be thinner and prettier.
"The more I looked at myself, the more disgusted I became with my reflection before me. It made me so mad and I had no one but myself to take it out on.
"My eyes lit on a razor that was next to the bathroom cabinet. Before I knew it I’d taken the blade out and held it up to the light carefully between my first two fingers.
"I twirled it around, watching how the light bounced off the smooth edge and then without a second thought, I stabbed it into my thigh and began to drag it across my skin.
"I made a deep cut and watched as the blood trickled out. It was like an instant release. I lay on the floor, crying and shaking. Searching for some inner strength, but always coming up empty.
"My eyes burned and my mouth was dry, as I tried to suck on the air that seemed thicker.
"I leaned my forehead against the door, trying to figure out why I had just done it. I looked down at my thigh that was still dripping with blood and closed my eyes, like it was all a bad dream."
Geordie Shore returns to MTV on Tuesday 28th October at 10pm. Not Quite A Geordie will be will be released on Thursday 2nd October.
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