A Complete List Of Everything That Will Definitely Happen At The Oscars
These aren’t predictions, they’re tomorrow’s news stories…
It’s the most glamorous night of the year! Yes, the Oscars are nearly upon us, so we thought we’d consult a magic 8 ball to find out exactly what’s going to happen tonight…
Tom Hardy’s dog will bring Carrie Fisher’s dog as its date.
Jennifer Lawrence will trip on the red carpet; fall through into alternate dimension where clumsiness is the ultimate state of grace.
Leonardo DiCaprio will have to wrestle a bear to claim his award.
John Travolta will introduce Adele as Idina Menzel. Will then literally cringe so hard he disappears inside himself.
Ellen DeGeneres will try to take a group selfie, end up trapped in the phone.
Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence will appear in matching dresses with each other’s faces on them.
Bjork will show up.
It’s gonna be a wonderful night!
By Josh Pappenheim
(I would like to make clear that all of the above, apart from saying that the Oscars is happening tonight, is a filthy lie. If they come true, I will be available to tell your future at twitter.com/papsby)
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