7 Things You Learn in Your First Gay Relationship

1. It's basically just like any other relationship.

Friday, June 29, 2018 - 10:32

Mate, you’ve done it. You’ve come out – whether that be to your entire Facebook friends list or particularly-close pals – and you’re about to embark on your very first gay relationship. You’re on top of the world and, er, effing clueless as to what you’re doing. Hoorah.

So – with the benefit of hindsight and hedonism – allow me to provide a window into this crazy ride you’re ready to experience. A realistic window, complete with healthy splat of bird shit.

1. You’ll have your doubts

Look, nobody goes into a relationship with the intent of ending it six months down the line; but what if this person isn’t the one? Are you actually stuck with this penis/vagina/other sexual organ for the rest of your sorry days? Have you settled for someone quite frankly sub-par and RUINED YOUR LIFE FOREVER?

Alright, alright. Calm down. It’s natural you’ll question your own choices but, worst comes to worst, divorce and Toni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart exist for a reason. Go with whatever feels right and chill.

2. Your bank balance will thank you

HELLO, shared wardrobe. Granted, a minor identity crisis and arguments over who wears what might ensue; but you’ll have loads more money to spend on the important things in life. Like an extra side of halloumi at Nando’s and Netflix ultra HD subscription.

3. Google is your best friend

Face it, the sex education you got in year 7 was shite enough without the small matter of it being catered to the straights. There’s no harm in thinking ‘otter’ solely applies to a semiaquatic furry mammal or wondering what the f**k an ‘Ursula’ is outside the context of The Little Mermaid. Give it a Google and explore the darkest depths of your sexuality. That’s what it’s there for.

4. You’re not as jealous as you thought you were

Nu-uh. You’re loads more jealous. In a naïve bid to delay becoming the boring, ‘whipped’ couple, you’ll continue going out to gay clubs. Only for someone to look at YOUR partner who YOU arrived with for one second too many and unknowingly instigate an absolute shit storm. That’s human nature, right? Just means you love them, RIGHT?

Whatever. Do you. Embrace your inner Blank Space Taylor Swift and mark that territory.

5. People are pretty patronising

Probably without even realising. Case in point? My mum essentially started hat shopping and picking out baby clothes the second I announced I was seeing my first fella. The fact it went on to last all of about two weeks didn’t seem to matter; she was just so happy for us. We were so cute. This was it.

Think of it as a kind of…overcompensation.

6. Comparison’s inevitable

While dating someone of the same sex has its benefits (see: aforementioned shared wardrobe), one drawback could be constant comparison. Who has more mates? Which one’s wittier? Who’s the ugly one?

God forbid outsiders should see through gender and, y’know, appreciate you both as individuals.

7. Gay relationships don’t actually exist

Contrary to literally everything I’ve just said, gay relationships aren’t a thing. Relationships are a thing. Everything you’re going through, your straight mates are going through; the same strains and the same gains. Don’t compare what you’ve got, go with it and don’t pile on the pressure. You’re getting enough of that from elsewhere.