10 Awkward But Totally Real Moments In The Build-Up To Sex
Cos let's be real, sometimes it's just really f**king awkward.
1. Hand placement
Despite the fact that all your blood is rushing to your netherareas, you’ve suddenly become hyper-aware of your arms and hands. What the HELL do I do with them? Pat their head, stroke a leg, or just straight up tuck them under a cushion?! What are hands and arms ever used for?! Am I freaking out!?
Literally feeling like Pengu RN, and not in a cute way.
2. We must reconvene
You were Netflix and chilling. You’ve done the Netflix part (the film is an impressive 10 mins in) and it’s time for the chill. But this goddamn sofa ain’t big enough for the two of us. Shall we… move?
Someone has to break it all up and say it first: “listen, this is totes hot and everything, but ¾ of my arse is suspended in the air right now, and it’s actually getting quite stressful trying to defy gravity in this way”. There’s no hot way of saying it.
Then it’s followed by the awkward half-naked, pants-around-your-ankles shuffle to the bedroom, and it’s totally the least sexy thing ever. You’ll both try really hard to forget this brief and painful transition and it won’t be spoken of again.
3. Getting cold feet
Ok, that’s better, we’ve turned this into a full night-of-passion double bed event. But it. Is. FREEZING in here!? What’s the deal!? Is your skin made of cotton wool!?
Don’t throw that duvet off, boy, do you want me to sneeze icicles for the rest of my life?!
4. I can’t feel my clit when I’m with you
Ok, hold up. You’re coming at me like an anaconda in the jungle. Slow. The F. Down. There is no way that this aggressive rubbing is getting me heated up. Ok, it is, but only through FRICTION.
In fact, it’s starting to not even…
Congratulations sir, I am numb.
5. Oh, those sweet nothings…
Here we go, now for the dirty talk. Luckily I am a master of the English tongue, a woman of wit and wisdom, an orator, a rhetorician, a debater…
Oh god… I have no words. I literally have no words. What did he just say? Did he just say he wanted to bite me? But I’m not sure I want him to bite me! What shall I say!?
WHY DO YOU FAIL ME WORDS. WHY?
I now want to murder whoever came up with the phrase “whispering sweet nothings into his/her ear”. How can you whisper nothings… that’s not guidance. TELL ME WHAT TO SAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY!?
There’s nothing worse than a muffled scuffle to get you in a cafuffle during sex. Yep, someone is DEFINITELY in the near viscinity. You’re pretty sure this is a pants party for two and they weren’t invited.
Oh good, it’s just your sex bud’s dad… and they’re now engaged in a shouted convo through the walls while he’s still, ya know, in you… is this actually happening?! Does this count as a three-way?! I’m NOT okay rn.
7. Background noise
Oh god this is really putting me off. All I can hear is the squeaking of our bed springs and it is just SO loud and SO cliché. I’m genuinely embarrassed at us. It feels like we’re in a corny motel or something.
Ok hang on, maybe if I move here….? No that’s even louder. What about if I move here…? NO definitely not!
Look, Ted, can you plz just quit it while we work this out because your mum is in the house and I am NOT going to be comfortable sipping tea with her later if we continue going at it in this barbaric manner.
8. The Big O, wait…
Ok… so that just happened… or rather, it didn’t, cos nobody came. Not even a tiny bit. Should I have faked that one just to make this silence seem less like the whole world is collapsing in on us, crushing us deep into an infinite black abyss?
He’s gone floppy, my vag is broken, and we don’t have enough to talk about to distract us from this incredible disaster. It’s all good, we’ll just lie here panting, going “mm” and pretending we’re not planning a drastic and dangerous exit strategy down the nearest drainpipe.
9. Mind games
You’re trying to play it cool, like yeahhhh we can cuddle if you really want, I don’t really care. I’m a cool girl who don’t give AF about emotions. I’m just into video games, FIFA and boxing. I’m basically like Gigi Hadid, without the modelling contract. Like, I have a similar amount of admirers...
PLZ HOLD ME.
10. Please leave
Ok actually now I do need you to roll aside. You’re all huge and hot and invasive… I can hear your heavy breathing and it’s tickling the inside of my ear. And OUCH you are on my hair YOU ARE ON MY HAIR OWWWWWWWWWW.
OK, I cannot sleep in these conditions. I must have full access to oxygen and extra mattress for night time rollovers. Kindly detach yourself from me, sir.
Good night to you.
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