16 Things Everyone Thinks During A Smear Test
TL;DR: I don't wanna...but I gotta.
We’re pretty sure you won’t judge us if we say we’d rather stick needles in our eyes than have to endure the dreaded smear test. But unfortunately it’s pretty damn key if you want to keep that cervix spick and span. That’s a sentence we never thought we’d write.
And while in theory you know doctors see about 100 vaginas a day, so it's really not a big deal, we're guessing a few of these thoughts might've popped into your head while you're lying there with your legs splayed up on the table...
But first, Charlotte Crosby documented her trip to get a smear and this is what happened...
1. Does my Vagina look weird?
Like, I get that they come in all shapes and sizes...but does it?
2. How about ~the smell~?
Does it smell the same as every one else's? DOES IT???
3. What if they find something they shouldn’t up there?
Maybe a spider has crawled up there while I was asleep and laid eggs. Aaaand now excuse me, I need to throw up.
4. Oh, it's a bit draughty...
It’s an odd thing lying on a table with your legs spread. Why is it so cold in this room?
5. I feel like I’m giving birth
Ok I can’t think about that right now. I’ll panic.
6. Why is there a modesty blanket if you’re literally inside of me?
Because seeing the outside of my vagina would be the one thing that's too intimate about this experience..?
7. Wonder what the doc thinks of my pubes
Was I meant to get a wax for this? Because too long is embarrassing but too fresh seems over keen.
8. For the love of god stop asking me to relax
Funnily enough it’s kinda hard when a stranger is poking around in my cervix.
9. Maybe I should use more lube in my sex life
That thing is huge and went in pretty easy. Food for thought.
10. Okay, so that’s freezing
Can’t they warm up the speculum in the microwave or something, or does it have to feel like an actual icicle?
11. Why is she asking me about my afternoon?
Please stop talking to me rn.
12. Oh god, I forgot about the scraping
Lie back, think of Gucci and it will all be over.
13. Did you just pull my cervix out?
Oh no, it’s just the speculum.
14. Great, I’m going to feel like I’ve wet myself for the rest of the day
Do they have to use quite so much lube?
15. I am so grown up and sensible
My vag is totally thanking me rn. Or at least she will.
16. I need a drink
And now, this is why we need to talk about gender pronouns...