24 Types Of People You Need To Remove From Your Social Media Feeds
Happy National Unfriend Day!
November 17 marks the second-ever annual National Unfriend Day! Created by U.S. chat show host Jimmy Kimmel, the day encourages us all to be unsocial with social media and ditch the fake and phoney friends that make our feeds a hollow, soulless source of constant annoyance.
To help you decide which of your online acquaintances to block, unlike and delete, here’s a guide to the worst kinds of tweeters, posters and pinners on the interweb. Although, be warned, if you get rid of every type of person on this list, you’ll be left surfing alone, with no one to share that hilarious farting panda GIF with. Sadface emoji.
The Relentless Updater
People who mistake Facebook for their own personal diary. The sad truth is, if they weren’t so busy telling everyone about their decision between buying semi-skimmed or full cream milk at the petrol station, they might actually do something interesting.
The Constant Selfie Poster
Same face, different background. Every single time. And you know what that face is thinking? “What would make this photo of the 14th century Taiwanese statue of huge historic and religious significance even better? I know - my awkward, craning face and double chin taking up three quarters of it.”
The Cryptic Attention-seeker
What is it? What’s the matter with you? Who wronged you? WHO WRONGED YOU? Wait, what do you mean you “don’t want to talk about it”? B-but you’re the one who ment… Ugh. Nevermind.
The Invite Sender
No we don’t want to play Water Splash, no we don’t want to ‘friend’ the profile you set up for your cat, no we don’t want to ‘like’ your podcast page, and no, we especially don’t want to attend the DJ set you’re playing at the Rose & Crown next Tuesday.
The Inappropriate Commenter
All of the pics in our photo albums just cringed in embarrassment.
The Babbling ranter about ISSUES
Wow, you really get stuff, don’t you? You care more about the burning issues than everyone else and you understand them better than most politicians. If only somebody put YOU in charge, the world will instantly right itself, the earth would straighten up on its own axis and you will create a living nirvana for all of modern society. Just as soon as you stop playing Fallout 4 and put on some pants.
The Baby Streamer
Ok, we get baby announcements, the first tooth, first steps, and whatever funny outfits you can legally force babies to wear these day, but every meal time, tantrum and nappy change? Please stop before your baby’s life becomes a flickerbook.
The Song Lyricist
What a way to make yourself sound poetic and profound without letting anybody know that you got these words from a Maroon 5 song you heard a few minutes ago on an advert for deodorant.
The TMI/PDA Poster
Oh, get a SnapChat already.
The Food Porn Star
Mmmm. Yes, we’re sure that a Twix bar on a salad and smothered in gravy counts as an ‘Artisan delight’ in your neck of the woods, but no amount of filters are going to make it look appetising to the rest of us.
The Older Family Member
Oh nan. You don’t need to log in anywhere. Your photo albums are YOUR social media.
Did you now. Uh-huh. Good for you. Don’t forget to tell us the next time you trip over your laces or have a card declined or something too, won’t you.
Oh no, that’s awful! What a horrible thing to happ... hey, waitaminute! You come off awfully well in this scenario.
The Absent Commenter
Some people just really like to milk their friends' concern. "No one has commented to ask if I am ok for a couple of hours? Now and only now is the time to respond and renew their interest."
The Gym Obsesser
Thanks for simultaneously boring our hashtags off and making us feel guilty for eating leftover Chinese for breakfast this morning.
The Pet Lover
If what your cat is doing is so funny, post it on YouTube first and then get back to us once it's had 100k views.
The Joke Stealer
If someone's tweet or status is a surprisingly funny joke, then Google it. Chances are, not only has it been stolen from somewhere, but the culprit won't even own up to the gag theft when their friends leave comments about what a great, hilarious person they are. Because that would mean admitting that they're not.
The Self Promoter
No matter how many times you link to a film review, a band demo or a funny anecdote about what happened to you on the tube this morning, no one cares enough to actually visit and read your blog. In fact it would be a lot easier if you just kept all your thoughts and opinions to a 140-character maximum length.
The Grammar Neglecter
Hey, how about using autocorrect?
The Grammar Corrector
Well done, you are now as good as autocorrect.
The Inspirational Quoter
Surely the only reason why Facebook needs to introduce an 'unlike' button. And a 'stop it' button. And a 'Seriously, this does nothing for me. Please don't. Just don't' button.
The Competitive Griever
The only time some people get really creative in their posts is when they are trying to win at the 'I care the most about this horrible tragedy' game. All of a sudden their life is "collapsing into a thousand embers of joyless heartbreaks" just because a guy dies and they quite liked that film they did once.
The Spoiler Disregarder
It's a fact: People who spoil movies and TV shows need to be unliked, unfollowed, herded up and jettisoned from Earth to a distant planet where Game Of Thrones doesn't exist.
The Spam Sharer
Facebook facts: No one has ever had a wish come true for sharing a post within a certain timeframe. Just as no one has ever won a free iPad by sharing a 'Facebook competition' and getting picked from the hundreds of thousands of people who 'took part' since May 2011. Also, at no point will Facebook ever change your privacy settings unless you share a post telling them not to. That is no way to run a business.
- By Matt Looker