8 Ways To 100% Find Love In 2018
It’s January, it’s a whole new year, let’s find you the love of your life!
First of all, if you're reading this and aboslutely loving life as a single person then stop immediately and continue with your Eat Prey Love journey. For the rest of us, whose longest relationship is with the pint of milk sitting in the fridge, it's time to face some facts about 2018.
While it's all well and good hiding under the duvet on a Saturday night hoping that your dream human will just simply knock on the door, it's probably not going to happen.
So here's some really very useful top tips on how to turn things around for your love life this year. Sidenote: Apologies in advance for the following having little to no effect on your life whatsoever.
1. Immediately marry literally anyone
Marry the next person you see. Close your eyes, spin around three times and the first human you lay eyes on will be your future spouse. We said spouse, not Sprouse. Althought if Cole or Dylan are reading this then yes we are most definitely interested.
2. Vacate the country and leave all 99 of your problems behind
Pack your things and move to Outer Mongolia, because nothing says eternal singledom quite like living in the middle of nowhere. Sure, you'll only have your psychotic thoughts for company, but that's better than being forced to witness PDA for the fourth morning commute in a row.
3. Transform yourself into your dream treat
Step One: Dip entire body in bowl of warm (not boiling) chocolate. Step two: Roll self in Rice Crispies. Step three: Refrigerate.
4. Join the witness protection programme
Buy a wig, adopt a French accent and call yourself Amelie, because you’re off to Paris to re-start your life as a world-renowned tap dancer in the city of love. Tap dancing can't be that hard, can it?
5. If it works in the movies, then why can't it work in real life?
Recreate iconic film How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, only this time you don’t lose him and okay maybe it’s not Matthew McConaughey because he’s kind of old now. For those who were born far too recently for our liking, think more Zac Efron in The Greatest Showman.
6. Embrace your inner weirdo
Be one of those people you hear about on daytime TV and marry a chicken nugget, because nothing says 'date me' more than coming across as completely unhinged infront of the world.
7. Put your fate in the hands of a TV producer
Sign up to Love Island 2018 and meet the man of your dreams on national TV while wearing an itsy bitsy bikini and screaming about getting texts. Sure, your mum might have to hear about her daughter having sex on telly, but if it means no more lone cinema trips then so be it.
8. Ignore points 1-7 entirely
Alternatively you could just continue to live your best life and not give a damn about where the human of your dreams is hiding, you know, because there’s more to life*.
*Apparently, but then again the person who said that was probably in a sickeningly happy relationship.