How To Blag Your Way Through Euro 2016 When You Couldn't Care Less About Football
The ultimate blagger's guide for anyone who doesn't care about football but is going to be forced to watch all the Euro 2016 matches with their friends and family. Read in full at MTV.co.uk
Here's the situation. Once every four years a mysterious alien plague sweeps the continent and turns even your most amenable of mates into the most fervent and confusing form of person known to humankind: a football fan.
It is, of course, Euro 2016 time and with every Tom, Dick and Harry (Styles) suddenly turning into the biggest footie supporter of all time despite never before having shown even a vague interest, you're going to need to know a few things if you want to cope with every social engagement for the next month or so turning into a great big excuse to watch whatever game happens to be on the telly (well, at least until your mates' team gets knocked out and they stop watching the tournament in protest).
Even if you're more aware of the work of Kylie Jenner than Kyle Walker, there's no need to feel left out of the action as all you need to do is have a read of our blagger's guide to the beautiful game. Just follow the rules below and you'll be fooling your friends into thinking you're football af in no time.
1. Find out which team the people you're watching with support. If that team scores shout "WHAT a goal’, "c’mon the boys" etc as though you genuinely care.
2. If you don’t know the name of the team, simply shout "come on, lads" or even "come on, you blues/reds/insert colour they are wearing."
3. Don't ask why Louis Tomlinson or Niall Horan aren't playing. Apparently being picked for Soccer Aid is not the same as being picked for the national side.
4. Shout "great ball!" or "brilliant save" when the players are doing their jobs.
5. If the other team scores, blame the goalie. Never, ever say that the other team have scored a “good goal”
6. Do make semi-sarcastic remarks about players' ball skills. The people you're with who care about football will think you actually give a damn about the game and you can internally chuckle at your grasp of basic innuendo.
7. If it’s a non eventful game, say things like "it’s a real shame because we’ve had the most possession this game but are wasting opportunities."
8. Identify a key player who seems fairly talented / you just think has quite nice hair and shout “COME ON, SON” every time they get the ball. Preferably in a northern accent because this is the only accent in which a statement such as this will ever sound credible. This is true even if you are French / have the world's poshest voice in everyday life.
9. Don't repeatedly ask why the players have such smooth legs and wonder out loud whether they shave, wax or use hair removal cream. From experience this will probably annoy the company you are in and make them think you aren't taking things as seriously as you are pretending.
10. Do at least try to stay conscious. Falling asleep with your head in your hands is a strong giveaway that you couldn't care less about a bunch of men running about aimlessly about after a ball.
11. If things go wrong for your team, always shout “REFFF!” angrily at the TV. It is universally accepted amongst fans that in these situations the ref is always wrong, even when they definitely aren’t.
12. Don't repeatedly point out how you would have got into football way earlier if you'd know about the tight shorts and the way the players seem to keep taking every opportunity to jump on top of each other. It's a valid point, but apparently going on about it is "distracting" and "not the point."
13. Try to avoid pondering how they actually got aforementioned super tight shorts onto their bodies without straining a groin muscle out loud. Even if you have a theory that they did a Ross and used talcum powder ("IT FORMED A PASTE"), your Friends jokes probably aren't going to be appreciated unless it's half time.
14. Do spend the game subtly using the double dog Snapchat filter on the players on the TV. You're going to need to do something to make time go faster.
15. Try not to sigh too obviously when they add extra time on at the end even though 90 minutes already felt like a lifetime.
16. Do also text your dad a photo of you with the screen in the background. Forget those A Levels and that degree you have - this is something he can finally be proud of you for.
17. If someone on your team goes down to get a penalty/free kick, it is always a penalty/free kick and never a dive.
18. However, if someone on the opposite team goes down to get a penalty/free kick, it’s always a dive and never a penalty/free kick. Shout "that was never a foul", "harsh decision" or "come on ref, you b******."
19. If it’s getting towards the last 20 minutes of the game and the team you are now supporting still need a goal, start commenting on how it’s time the manager made a change. If someone has been commenting on how badly a specific player has been playing, say it’s time they were taken off for the player everyone keeps saying should’ve been on the starting team.
20. If all else fails, just have a couple of drinks to pass the time and shout "wheeeey football lads lads lads," every so often.
Good luck and god speed. We'll see you on the other side.