13 Things You Can Blame On Mercury Being In Retrograde RN
Because why blame it on yourself when you can blame it on a defenceless planet..?
As anyone who has every skim-red a horoscope in the back of a teen magazine will know, Mercury has a lot to answer for. But never more than when it's in retrograde – which it will be now until May 3rd.
And while most of us have no real clue what Mercury being in retrograde actually means (spoiler: it's basically just to do with planetary alignment), it definitely isn't going to stop us blaming it when life doles us a piss poor hand of (probably tarot) cards.
So, if in doubt and not so keen to accept responsibility for anything in your life, take a leaf out of our book and blame Mercury being in retrograde instead...
1. Bad hair day?
Mercury woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and is taking it out on your follicles.
2. Missed the bus?
Mercury’s just bitter that you can get the 134 to college while the only place its going is around and around the sun.
3. Lost your door keys?
Mercury hates your dumb door keys and isn’t afraid to hide them to let you know it.
4. Forgot your mum's birthday?
If Mercury was a real friend, he would have set a reminder on your phone.
5. Sat in gum?
Mercury's just pissed you have a mouth to chew things while all it has is crater-filled surface that's been geologically inactive for billions of years.
6. The guy or gal you fancy read but didn't bother to respond to that lol snap you sent them of your double chin?
You should have known not to rely on Mercury's advice when he told you to send it.
7. No milk left for your tea?
You just know Mercury used the last of it for his second bowl of cereal.
8. Your online order hasn't arrived despite the fact you paid extra $$$ for next day delivery?
Probably Mercury making a point about how it takes a full 88 days for it to orbit the sun once.
9. Your Netflix is down?
If Mercury can't binge on 13 Reasons Why then it isn't about to let you either.
10. Accidentally woke up in someone you work with's bed?
Mercury totally put that fifth Jagerbomb in your hand last night.
11. Someone used the last of the loo roll and you didn't notice until you were mid-wee?
Mercury is laughing at you and your wet bum from way up in the solar system.
12. Can't find a kirby grip to pin back that one annoying strand of hair?
Somewhere Mercury is laughing at you with a pocketful of the bastards.
13. Butt dialled someone you fancy?
GOD DAMN YOU MERCURY WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
Sorry but life's just a lot easier to deal with when you can blame your poor choices on Mercury. He's a big boy - he can take the heat.
Now watch people guess what weird sex toys are for. Yep, you did read that right...