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Living With Emetophobia And How To Get Help

One writer describes what living with a phobia is really like...

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Monday, October 9, 2017 - 17:28

Ever heard of emetophobia? Jen Leeming reveals what it’s like having a phobia, and why after 12 years it was time to get treatment...

Phobias. There’s a chance you actually might not know a whole lot about them. But that’s where I can help. I’m a long-term emetophobe, which means I have an overwhelming and very acute fear of vomiting. Being sick, seeing sick, feeling sick - the whole hog. Over the last year I’ve finally taken some steps to getting help for my phobia, so here’s the lowdown of exactly what that entails…

N.B. I am in no way an expert or medical authority. Just a person relaying their experience. Treatment (and results) can be different for everyone.

Why not hear what Emma Blackery has to say about looking after your mental health...

How do you know when you’ve got a phobia?

Like the great Natasha Bedingfield once said, when you know, you know. ‘Being ‘a bit scared of something’ doesn’t come close. A phobia is an anxiety disorder and affects people in a way that is so much more than just feeling fear.

What does it feel like to have a phobia?

For me, it feels like the thing I’m most scared of. Meaning that my oh-so-clever traitorous brain makes me feel like I’m going to be sick. Actually, no. That undersells it. It completely convinces me that I’m going to be sick. Every. Single. Time.

I’m nauseous, clammy, flushed, shaky, light-headed and can’t catch my breath. It’s a fully-fledged anxiety attack with queasiness tacked on for extra fun.

After eleven years of non-vomiting (I just touched wood even writing that) I should probably have learned to recognise it as a panic attack, but that’s the thing with phobias. The symptoms are so real that I’ve never once doubted that this, THIS was the time I was legit going to be sick.

How does it affect your life?

Oh boy. Emetophobia is an absolute delight and can blossom into a whole other batch of phobias and anxieties. Over the years of tackling it untreated, it gave me:

claustrophobia (‘what happens if I feel sick in this small space?’)
hypochondria (‘oh god my stomach just twinged, what if that means I’m getting ill?’)
social anxiety (‘I can’t possibly stand up and speak in front of all these people in case I throw up’)
hardcore germophobia (‘unless I carry two bottles of hand sanitiser at all times and only eat safe food I’ll definitely get ill’)

I also developed a fully-fledged addiction to sugar free polo mints, to the extent that even going to bed without a packet nearby could send me into mental free-fall.

[This is how many polos I packed to go on holiday]

I fled meetings, ruined plans, had to get off countless tubes and trains. It changed me and the way I lived my life but I was still way too embarrassed to tell anyone.

Why did you decide to get help?

I was exhausted. Dealing with it on my own and rearranging my life around it for twelve years had finally started to get me down.

I’d always viewed getting help as some kind of failure - after all, I could handle this on my own, right? Most emetophobes are pretty much confined to their houses, can’t hold down regular jobs, don’t drink booze… I had a busy job I loved in London, a buzzing social life, so surely I was doing okay?

Here’s the thing. You shouldn’t have to ‘just manage’. Being able to do those incredibly basic things shouldn’t be a triumph - they should be normal. I genuinely believed that because I was able to get to work (even if the ten-minute journey had induced two panic attacks) I was totally on top of things. Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

How did you get help?

Luck. It’s that simple. Everyone knows that the mental health services are massively under-funded and over-subscribed, often with huge waiting lists to even talk to someone.

I went to see my GP to talk about my anxiety and depression during a particularly bad patch and happened to mention my emetophobia. Not long after, I was contacted by the local mental health services who were running clinical trials on treating people with phobias and thought I might be a good fit.

What does the treatment involve?

SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS. There was a lot of talking (not my forte) and working together with my therapist to tackle why I feel and act the way I do.

It also involved some exposure therapy. Brace yourselves, this is the fun part. It’s exactly what it sounds like - you’re forced to be exposed to the thing you’re afraid of, and let me tell you that it ain’t no picnic.

My therapist locked me in a toilet while she pretended to throw up. She forced me to spend more than three hours underground in the tube, refusing to let me get off. We spent one morning in a local A&E, sitting near the queasiest-looking people she could see. And that’s to name a few.

The idea is to teach you to ride the wave of anxiety, rather than fleeing from it. When that fight or flight instinct kicks in, flight might alleviate your fear more quickly, but in the long run it won’t help you get any better.

Did it work?

For me - yes. Would I say I’m completely ‘cured’? Absolutely not. I probably never will be. But I cope with my phobia so much better than I ever dreamed I could. I haven’t had a polo in nearly 18 months (which after at least a packet a day for a decade is a massive achievement). I don’t bolt off the tube at the first hint of nausea. Instead, I focus my mind, breathe deeply, and ride that horrible wave. And guess what - it does get better.

It’s not easy, and it’s certainly not fun, but I couldn’t be happier that I did it. One of the most valuable lessons my therapist taught me was rather than doing everything in my power to hide my phobia from others, telling people might just make it easier to handle. And that’s what I’m trying to do.

Talking is the most important tool we’ve got in destigmatising mental health. So try opening up to someone. It could be a friend, family member, GP… it doesn’t matter. Just try it. You’re not alone in this, and it might just help.

- Words by Jen Leeming. Follow Jen on Twitter @jenrleeming.

If you have a phobia or are experiencing anxiety, head to Anxiety UK for more info, resources and online support. To find out more about World Mental Health Day, click here.

18 Inspiring Celebs Who've Spoken Out About Their Mental Health

  • "I suffer from depression and was a model during a particularly rough patch of self-hatred...I'm focusing on filming and trying to learn not to pick apart my every flaw" - Cara Delevingne
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  • “If there’s anyone out there going through [depression], I think for them to see that I went through it, it would help… for a long time I used to think...strong people in life... they just get on with it” - Stormzy
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  • “I really felt like I was dying – my light completely out. I said to myself, ‘Whatever is left in there, even just one light molecule, you will find it and make it multiply’… I learned that my sadness never destroyed what was great about me” – Lady Gaga
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  • “Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of; it affects millions of people every day. I know I have fans out there who have been through this kind of thing, too, and I wanted to be honest for their sake, if nothing else” – Zayn Malik
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  • “I had to stop because I had everything, and I was absolutely broken inside. And I kept it all together enough so that I’d never let you down but... I let myself down… if you are broken you do not have to stay broken” - Selena Gomez
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  • “My anxiety and depression have ruled my life for as long as I can remember and I never leave the house because of it... I’m tired of being held back in my life. I deserve to have peace. I deserve to be happy and smiling. Why not me?” - Kid Cudi
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  • “It’s so normal. Everyone experiences a version of anxiety or worry in their lives, there’s nothing wrong with you. To be a sensitive person that cares a lot, that takes things in in a deep way, is actually part of what makes you amazing” – Emma Stone
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  • [About his OCD] “I remember my makeup artist and assistant walking me to the set and going, ‘Oh God, we’re going to need 10 minutes... he has to walk back and step on that thing, touch the door and walk in and out again" - Leonardo DiCaprio
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  • “You can’t let panic or anxiety change the way you do things because you get one life… I’m never going to get back the years that I’ve wasted being too terrified to ever leave my house” - Zoella
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  • "Mental health disabilities are an illness, not a weakness. They are an issue, not an identity. It’s ok to suffer from a mental illness, but it’s not ok to not talk about it" – Jack Harries
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  • “[My fans] know that I've struggled with depression, and [they tell me that I] helped them get over theirs. That gives me a big purpose—a reason to wake up in the morning” - Miley Cyrus
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  • “I’m struggling just to get through the days. I think a lot of people are. You get lonely, you know, when you’re on the road. People see the glam and the amazing stuff, but they don’t know the other side. This life can rip you apart” – Justin Bieber
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  • “Not being able to leave the house [because of panic attacks] was so debilitating… I couldn’t go to the studio unless I was lying down in the car with a pillow over my face. I used to beat myself up about it” – Ellie Goulding
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  • “[When filming Deadpool] I never, ever slept… The expectations were eating me alive… Blake helped me through that. I’m lucky to have her around just to keep me sane” – Ryan Reynolds
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  • “[My eating disorder and self-harming] was a way of expressing my own shame, of myself, on my own body… There were some times where my emotions were just so built up, I didn’t know what to do” – Demi Lovato
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  • [About a documentary in which he cried] “It scared me that people were going to see me at my most vulnerable… but that conversation changed everything… everything was out in the open and I was able to then talk to my friends about it” – Professor Green
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  • “I had to reprogram myself to see the good in me. Because someone didn’t love me didn’t mean I was unlovable. That’s what the break-up of my marriage reduced me to. It took away my self-esteem. It beat me down to the lowest of lows” – Halle Berry
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  • “Antidepressants help! If you can change your brain chemistry enough to think: ‘I want to get up in the morning; I don’t want to sleep until four in the afternoon. I want to get up and go do my s**t and go to work’. Reset the auto-meter" - Jon Hamm
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