10 Bullsh*t Resolutions That You Know You're Going To Break In 2018
Nu year, nu me...
As soon as Boxing Day was over, conversation turned to New Year’s. Suddenly everyone began recklessly throwing around New Year’s resolutions and chanting “new year, new me”, as if they’re suddenly gonna sprout wings and strut the Victoria’s Secret catwalk come Jan.
But we know the truth. We know there’s a load of bullsh*t you’ll make sure to publically promise to do that will never EVER become a reality. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Here’s a list of resolutions that, let’s be real, will never survive even the first few months of 2018.
Go to the gym every week
You’ve got the energy, the determination, the stamina… 2018 is going to be the Year Of The Gym. Farewell gluttony, farewell slobbiness, HELLO concrete abs and solid, perky bum.
Who are you kidding? You were lazy enough to wait 10 minutes to get the bus one stop to your house yesterday afternoon, and your idea of playing sport is slowly heaving yourself up the stairs at the tube station by the handrail. You’re not going to go to the gym every week. You’re probably not even gonna make it every other week. And you know what? That’s ok!
You’ve got that junk in the trunk. 2018 is probably going to be another year of wobbly booty shaking and, let’s face it; it’s your best party trick.
Get a BF/GF
This one isn’t even something you can actually DO. Getting a BF/GF isn’t the same as getting new highlights; you don’t just save up your money and pick your moment to get a whole new in-a-relationship look. How are you going to suddenly acquire your ‘other half’? Advertise?!
The reality is things aren’t magically going to change. The people you've been left-swiping on Tinder aren’t suddenly gonna turn into smooth-talking and sensitive peeps who’ll take you on romantic helicopter rides over London just to “see you smile”. 2018 will bring a whole new batch of oddballs, f*ckboys and prospective dates you’ll go off during your first five minute convo.
But hey, it’s been pretty fun, or at least it’s given you a lot to laugh about. 2018 will be a year for spending time on YOU and sure, the right person might come along, but then again they might not, and you should focus on yourself to make sure you’ve got PLENTY of fun things lined up and new experiences to be had, dates or no dates. You’ll never be more free, singletons - go play!
Stop eating badly
Forget those last-minute guilty binges in the shadowy corners of Maccy Ds, it’ll be all about Caesar salads, nuts and wholegrain for you in 2018! You’re so glad that, by making this resolution, you have put a stop to the reckless food monster inside of you that you’ve been trying to control for, IDK, eight years now?
Bullsh*t. There’s no putting a stop to the craving for delicious food when it’s cold and you’re after a dose of instant comfort. Don’t pretend your life would be better off without it – life’s too short to do anything except eat what you want to eat. There’s no such thing as ‘clean’ or ‘dirty foods’. Just food.
Stop wasting time on the internet
You empathise with those “that’s enough internet for one day” memes so much that you’ve really decided that you can’t bear to waste one more minute on it in 2018.
But how are you meant to source all those videos on Instagram? You know, the ones that say “you in every relationship”, or “girls when they sleep vs. guys when they sleep”. They might be wasting minutes of your life intellectually, but every minute spent laughing is a minute you wouldn’t want to spend differently. Laughing makes you live longer, who cares if SOMETIMES you’re not Einstein.
Everyone needs a day off.
Yeah, cos this will solve all of life’s problems. We all know that a big cleaning sesh can feel extremely satisfying when it’s done, but mess is an art form.
As long as there aren’t, y’know, rats running around munching old Wotsit crumbs that you deposited on the floor a week ago, mess CAN be a positive thing. Apparently messy people are more likely to be creative! Cluster = creativity because there’s more around you to provoke thoughts and give you inspiration.
So thanks, mum, but no I won’t be tidying my room every day in 2018. It would just be counter-productive for my future career. Don't hold me back.
No more drunk texts
Next year you’re SO going to stop sending those drunken texts. You know, the life-ruining ones telling your ex you’re STILL not over them? Yeah, they’re the worst, and they’ve been ruining your love life for over a year now. So it’s simple – you’ll just stop sending them in 2018, right?
Probably wrong. What are you going to do, stop drinking? There’s no WAY you’re going to stop sending desperate “no1 compares 2 u” texts at 3am unless you…
Get over your ex
Omg really must get round to this one at some point but it’s so hard what with all the pictures of them with their new super-hot partner flying around on Instagram and just about EVERY social media platform that exists.
Look, you WILL probably get over your ex in 2018, but don’t expect your feelings to magically go away! You can’t choose how you feel, but you CAN choose on how you approach life, so make sure you bring some determination, positivity and motivation to 2018. So that, even if you still secretly love your ex, you’ll be too busy to get hung up on it with loads of activities to do and new people to meet. It will help you love your life and make you realise that you’re the best person to make you happy!
Stop being late
It’s fine, you think, I’ll just get a swanky 2018 watch and all will be solved.
Well, probably not TBH. You were born scatty and you’re likely to continue being scatty. Secretly you love the adrenaline rush, and your friends are so used to it that they all automatically turn up half an hour later too so they aren’t kept waiting. It would just mess up THEIR schedule if you changed…
Learn a new language
Oui oui monsieur c’est très facile! You once did a GCSE in a language and didn’t fail it horribly. That’s why you’ve decided to up your game and just become fluent in a language in 2018. You might as well, and you like the idea of being sophisticated enough to order a meal in French at Côte.
Or not… you won’t suddenly become Marion Cotillard just because you went to France one time and bought a beret. Leave the sophistication to the French, that heavy accent is not cute.
Funnily enough, you shouldn’t be making a New Years Resolution to be happy because, weirdly, people who focus too much on being happy tend to not be happy! IKR.
So, while everyone else rants about their resolutions this Jan, we advise you to take a chill pill and accept that 2018 may not make you a perfect human being. In fact, you probably shouldn’t expect to get 2018 right and it’s ok if you don’t! All that you should strive for is accepting and forgiving yourself because we are all way too hard on ourselves, and some things are just quite simply out of our control.
Who knows what 2018 will bring – but that’s part of the fun right? Stay fabulous!
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