12 Things That The Internet Ruined Forever
Chrissy Teigen, unicorns, the word 'goals' and other stuff that's over.
The internet is a weird and wonderful place that’s so ingrained into everyday life, it’s hard to understand how people survived before it. It also tends to do this thing… this thing where it takes something good, and rams it down our metaphorical throats until said something is ruined forever.
Sort of like when you listen to a song you love on repeat for three months and then can never listen to it again. Sort of like that.
First there was just contouring, and it was good (if vaguely impossible to master). Then came the endless variations, including - but not limited to - boob contouring, ab contouring, full BODY contouring, clown contouring (yep), strobing, baking, and even that girl who managed to contour by drawing penises all over her face.
Too far, people. TOO. FAR.
Look, nobody is denying that a giant inflatable shaped like a swan/slice of pizza/pretzel/donut is anything but amazing. However, do we need them in every pool? Do we need to see them in every single holiday insta shot? How does one even fit them in a suitcase?
The online world has gone unicorn crazy. We’ve reached peak unicorn and we’re sliding down the other side into an endless abyss of sparkly, rainbow coloured food, drinks, hair trends, makeup looks, clothes and lord only knows what else. Make it stop. Please. A person can only take so much mutated horse.
Because ain’t nobody got time to make the kind of creations seen in ‘baking tutorial’ vids all over the internet.
The word ‘goals’
At this point the internet has so many ‘goals’ it could literally be a premiership football league (#halfarsedsportsjoke). It’s lost all meaning. It’s lost all significance. It officially stopped being a phrase anyone should be using when mainstream fashion retailers put it on £5.99 t-shirts.
The word ‘squad’
Unless you’re Taylor Swift circa 2014 or intentionally being v. ironic, this thing is no longer a thing.
Hint: when your dad starts casually referring to his golfing buddies as his ‘squad’ - that’s when you know it’s time to stop.
Oh the memes. Oh the endless, endless memes. Friyay? FriNAY.
It’s a work of genius. It is always relevant. But do we really need a ‘where are they now’ recap every single year? We know where they are. They’re the same place they were 12 months ago, just 12 months older.
We’ll allow the October 3rd thing, that’s still quite funny.
Eyebrows are important. IM.POR.TANT. But the internet is an ‘on fleek’ echo chamber of the same old brow stuff and sometimes, it hurts a bit.
OK so this one’s more of a joke because obviously Chrissy is awesome, but is the slew of ‘yaaaasssss gurrrllllll goaaaaallllls slaying our liiiiiiiiiiiiiives’ type articles/posts every time she and John Legend do ANYTHING absolutely essential?
Like, yes, John helping her take of her necklace after that awards ceremony was cute and all, but it was not ‘goals’. It was just BEING A NORMAL PERSON. Falling asleep at the Oscars is not ‘all of us’. If we mere mortals were at the Oscars, let’s face it - we would not be asleep. We would be trying to lick Ryan Gosling’s face. Or make Viola Davis our new best friend/life guru.
This relates more to general social media angst but YE GAHDS - imagine the days where you could actually just enjoy being on holiday without looking at every nice view/drink/meal and thinking about how to ‘gram it for maximum effect. We’re all trying to be celebs slash ‘influencers’ these days and it can feel like a lot of pressure at times.
Here’s to putting the phone down and living in the moment, eh?
WE GET IT - Rose probably could have made room for Leo on that door. Do we still need to talk about it in every which way? Do we still need a comment from every single person even vaguely connected to the film? Probs not, tbh.
- Words by Lizzie Cox.
Now here's a load of guys and gals being grossed out of periods to cheer you up...