The 11 Harrowing Stages Of Last Minute Christmas Shopping
Desperation paired with several snack breaks.
Every year, despite the fact it essentially starts in August, Christmas seems to sneak up on us. One day it’s Halloween, the next it’s Christmas Eve Eve, and we’ve still got ALL of the presents to buy.
If this sounds like you, you’ll also relate to these 11 h-a-r-r-o-w-i-n-g stages of last minute Christmas shopping.
Right. Yes. This is it. I’m gonna smash this. Gonna get all of the presents. Gonna win an award for best presents. People gonna cry with joy when they open these presents. *walks to shops listening to Rocky soundtrack*
Hatred of all people
Oh bloody hell there are literally millions of people here. Seriously how do this many people even exist in the world, let alone this small town? This is how I’m going to die, isn’t it. Crushed to death by a pushchair-wielding-panic-buying mother of 4.
Hatred of all shops
Jesus CHRIST (no pun intended) why is everything in every shop either far too expensive or absolute crap? What is this rubbish you are selling, sir? Could you explain why your entire stock selection seems to consist of complete garbage, madam?
Hatred of self
Whhyyyyyyyyyy do I do this every year whyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I am a failure. I am failing at life. I should just give up and hide in a cave somewhere. But not before Christmas dinner because I’m craving some roast potatoes like nobody’s bizniss.
Potential W. H. Smith salvation
I’ll just get them all books. Everyone loves books. Books books books.
By the name of Lucifer have you seen how expensive books are?!!!!! They are literally made of paper how are they the price of a small car.
A rejection of Capitalist ideals
What are we doing? What is the human race doing? Look at us. Just look at us, please. Helpless rats trapped in the maze of consumerism, an orgy of capitalism, all for this contrived construction of society that no longer has anything to do with little baby Jesus, unless little baby Jesus wanted a load of useless gifts he’d never use. Oh actually, he did get frankincense, didn’t he. Poor sod.
No but really what is frankincense? Imma just google that real quick then get back to my shopping. Maybe mum wants some incense this year? Where do you buy incense from in 2016? Imma just google that real quick.
Look I REALISE that the shops are going to close in 2 hours OK but I’m so hungry I feel weak and everybody knows you’re not supposed to shop on an empty stomach. Stop judging me.
Does Aunt Wendy even need a gift this year? What did Aunt Wendy ever do for me, the spiteful moose? You’re off the list Aunt Wendy. YOU’RE OFF THE LIST.
Right I’m just going to buy the next not-completely-crap things I see and people will just have to make do. I just need to be anywhere that is not here. Dad, you’re getting socks again, soz. Mum, I hope you still like soap, pal.
- Words by Lizzie Cox
Now how about watching a video of guys and girls trying to guess what weird sex toys are for? Oh GO ON, you know you want to...