Periods. BLOODY periods (no pun intended). They come around once a month (or every 21 days for those of us who presumably pissed Mother Nature off in a past life), and generally follow a pretty similar pattern. Behold: the xx stages of PMS.

Stage 1: Emotion

It all starts innocently enough. You feel a bit emotional. A bit weepy. A bit sensitive. A bit more likely to well up when an X Factor contestant loses the sing-off.

Stage 2: Emotion XXL

If only it stopped there. Smash cut to 2 days later and you’re full-on-messy-cry-sobbing on the floor because your cat did a really cute ‘meow’. SHE WAS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE BUT SHE DOESN’T HAVE HUMAN WORDS HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH THAT?

Stage 3: Bloating

Oh GOOD, your torso’s swollen up to twice the size and your fave jeans now feel like a tourniquet, how could this possibly get any worse?

Stage 4: Boob angst

OH YES THAT’S HOW: by having your normally pretty well-behaved breasts turn into two BOULDERS OF PAIN that no longer fit comfortably into any of your bras and ft. nipples more sensitive than your fragile emotional state. Fantastic.

Stage 5: Endless hunger

Where is the food. Where is all of the food? Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Cheese. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs.

Stage 6: Anger

Everyone's an idiot and the entire world is irritating and ‘Jesus CHRIST Helen do you have to BREATHE so loudly?’ Oh, and to anyone who says you should chill out a bit - please refer to stages 3 and 4.

Stage 7: More eating

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the kitchen.... here come the sweet cravings. Entire family sized bar of Dairy Milk in one sitting? Don’t mind if you do. Oh shut up it was fruit and nut that pretty much makes it healthy.

Stage 8: Regression to Emotion XXL

But at an even higher level of irrationality: ‘Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy are adverts so saaaaaaaad???’ *sobbing* ‘Why didn’t he just GO to Specsavers he could have saved so much moneeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy’. *breaks down completely*

Stage 9: It’s Crampin’ Time

And now. Now that you’re an emotionally exhausted, bloated, aching, chocolate-filled lump - now the cramps start. Fantastic. It’s so great being female. *opens bedroom door* curses parents at top of lungs for giving birth to you *slams bedroom door*

Stage 10: So. Tired

Your palms are sweaty, knees weak, eyes are heavy,
6pm and you in bed already, with mom’s spaghetti,
You’re tired, but on the surface you look… well yeah, tired.
So, so tired. Bed is home now. Bed is life.

Stage 11: Aaaaaaand it’s here

Time to brace yourself for The Second Day when your womb shall unleash a tsunami unto the world, an unrelenting wave even Super Max tampons will struggle to survive.

Periods. Fun, aren’t they?

- Words by Lizzie Cox.