The 22 Stages Of Valentine’s Day When You’re Single AF
10. Realising that your most successful relationship is with a website.
OH GOD it’s here: the dreaded day of doom that is Valentine’s Day is officially just around the corner.
And while those with a SO are probably feeling rather great about the arrival of the most romantic day of the year, for those of us that are single, it's probably more of a combination of YUCK/HELP.
Just know that you’re not alone and you’ll survive The Day That Cannot Be Named, we promise.
That said, you might experience a few of these things first...
1. You begin to hate on any couple who look remotely happy
Which probably results in shooting evils and shouting ‘GET A ROOM!’ at the lovebirds walking down the street holding hands until they literally have to unlock their stupid, sweaty hands.
2. All the loved-up celebs you once thought were cute are now annoying AF
Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds’ cute family? Eugh, pass me the sick bucket. Kimye are still a thing? Give me a break. Gigi and Zayn looking all loved up on Insta? NOT TODAY, SATAN.
3. Everything remotely mushy makes you feel physically ill
Everywhere you look there’s teddy bears, chocolates, flowers and cheesy cards waiting to be bought for you by your non-existent bae. The adverts have gone all soppy and even your email inbox is full of V-Day gift ideas and romantic spa weekend deals. There is literally no escape.
4. You attempt (and probably fail) to secure a panic date for the big day
Apparently it’s easier said than done to get someone to take you on a date on actual Valentine’s Day without scaring them into thinking they’ll have to commit to you and marry you the very same evening. Oh and your crush still doesn't know you exist, let alone decided to ask you out.
This is just exhausting.
5. You try to convince people you don’t believe in this whole lovey dovey charade anyway
“Am I celebrating Valentine’s Day with anyone special? Oh no, it’s just a massive ball of cringe. Even if I had a boyfriend - and I don’t want one right now - I wouldn’t even bother celebrating it”, you tell everyone within 10 feet of you.
Literally everyone knows you're lying.
6. You decide to campaign for an official Galentine’s Day
A day which celebrates the notion that most boys are a big bag of d*cks sounds good right now. Of course, this includes buying a crap card for your mate and gifting them a huge bar of (half-eaten) chocolate.
You were hungry, OKAY?
7. You decide it's time to shower yourself with a whole loads of unnecessary gifts
This is the best bit, because the gifts are… well, they’re all for you. No having to worry about what the hell you’re going to get bae. Off you go online to buy yourself a whole new wardrobe and loads of makeup because you deserve to pamper yo' self guuuurl (or guy).
8. Being reminded by any relative you cross paths with about your prolonged singledom makes your blood boil
The sheer anger when your sister asks, ‘you still not found someone to go out with you yet?! HAHA’.
No sis, no I have not. But I appreciate the really subtle reminder.
9. Someone in your friendship group gets surprised by their Significant Other with a romantic V-Day getaway
‘Oh, a surprise all-expenses paid spa getaway from your boyf? How lovely of him!’, you reply before screaming into your pillow.
Seriously, where are all my single friends at?
10. You realise that your most successful relationship is with a website
Netflix? Yes. And chill? Um, nope.
Oh well, a TV subscription costs wayyyyy less than a boyfriend or girlfriend anyway.
11. Then follows the wave of self doubt followed by a waterfall of tears
The sadness comes with the sudden realisation that you will probably be alone forever and all the neighbours will refer to you as ‘the crazy cat lady at number 19’. You don’t even like cats all that much.
12. You spend most of the day with your head buried into the nearest animal
Having said that, your cat is the only one thats there for you right now, but even he wants to run away when you try to cuddle him.
13. You become openly cynical about love
"The transparency of all these couples is just ridiculous - she doesn’t even like him and he's definitely one huge f*ckboi", you mutter to yourself as you try your hardest not to comment on those FB couple's pics. Seriously, why do they look so smug?
14. But you realise being single does have some major advantages
Now you can eat a whole pack of Oreos without your ex rolling their eyes at you and muttering something about how long that will take you to work it off in the gym. Screw you and your abs of steel, Barry.
On a side note, you are also loving that no-one can judge you for not shaving your legs for months. Extra warmth in the winter, yaaaas!
15. You decide that Ben & Jerry are the only men you need in your life
You can eat whatever the f**k you want. Mr Cadbury has even got your back, too.
16. You realise even Harry Styles is still single and you take major comfort in this
And you’re sure that if he ever laid eyes on you, he’d fall in love with you immediately and marry you and you’d have lovely babies and then a mini One Direction will form 20 years later and save us all. Probably.
17. The Ex Stalkathon begins
Wonder what the ex and their new squeeze are up to? Oh. A fancy spa weekend with the photos plastered all over Insta? How original. And suddenly he’s got an 8 pack now. That’s great.
Maybe I should contact Greg? I mean, we went out when we were 11 but surely he might still feel the same? Oh wait, he’s got a girlfriend too. Damn.
18. You find your most fire selfie and upload it to Instagram
To show your exes what they’re missing obviously and attracting any potential love interests. You never know.
19. You check your messages constantly for any last minute offers
Just merely seeing if my exes saw the selfie and decided to come to their senses and wish me a very happy Valentine’s Day or just let me know they’re waiting outside my house with a fresh bunch of roses?
Nope. How about a game of Tinder roulette? Mmm...
20. The dreaded dinner for one
Ok so you never managed to secure a date and no exes came running back so you’re just going to have to brave the V-Day meal deal aisle alone.
WHY DOES EVERYTHING COME IN PACKETS OF TWO? Oh well, you definitely eat for two people anyway. You’re not fooling anyone.
21. You begin to have the ultimate ‘I’m An Independent Woman’ moment
You get the feeling of empowerment as you realise don’t need another person to make you happy. You personally think you’re a pretty cool person and you’d definitely date you if you, you know, weren’t you.
Does that even make sense? Who knows, you’re too busy whacking Bey’s 'Single Ladies' to full volume and prancing around to care.
22. You decide to round up the squad for a singles night out
You know what you need at a time like this? Your mates. V-Day can also be about showing some love for everyone close to you. Round them up, hit the nearest bar and have a shot for each of your exes too.
And while you’re there, there's no harm in checking out the eye candy for a potential Valentine’s date next year...is there?
Like this? Well then pop on over and download MTV's Snapchat you little minx.
And why not check out this video of guys and girls trying to guess what weird sexting slang actually stands for...?