The Scientific Process Of Messaging The Guy/Girl You’re Secretly Into
Add 50ml of overthinking and watch everything fall apart.
Here’s to the people who can’t conduct a simple text conversation without fearing that a single badly-worded message could have a potentially devastating effect on their future happiness.
With 99% of initial flirting being done over instant messaging, it’s literally never been more crucial to have a cool, calm, collected WhatsApp tone. That in itself makes the whole situation pretty tough to navigate for terminal overthinkers.
Let's all get checking out Munroe Bergdorf chatting racism, sticking to your beliefs, and being fired from L'Oreal...
1. Engaging in a lengthy debate with yourself over who should text first.
There’s probably a fifteen page document filed in some corner of your brain that concludes the ball is literally *always* in the other person's court. Of course.
2. Calculating the optimum length of time to space out your messages.
Firing off an immediate response might be a bold move, but waiting for anything more than twenty minutes runs the risk of killing the conversation in its tracks. It's a toughie.
3. Spending an entire half hour weighing up the pros and cons of a single emoji.
We can all agree that the wink emoji belongs in hell and the crying-laughter emoji is criminally overused, but where does that leave the rest of those little gems?
4. Conducting a national poll over what an exclamation mark really ~says~ about a person.
We might be aiming for upbeat and enthusiastic, but does ending a sentence with '!' not also scream overeager?
5. Firing off a sarcastic remark and spending the next solid week reliving the decision.
Four seconds of blind self-confidence have been repayed by 168 hours of crippling insecurity, so there's a statistic that surely breaks some kind of record.
6. Guiltily consulting different social-media platforms to check if they’ve actually been online.
Time to whack out your monocle and flat-cap because WhatsApp proves this person has their phone in hand. And oh look, you're not their number one priority. So that's swell.
7. Plotting a hilarious in-joke but feeling around 80% sure the reference will fall flat.
Was that moment from two weeks ago significant enough to crack a joke about or do you just look like an absolute weirdo who re-reads all your old messages?
8. Sending it anyway and regretting the whole sorry saga the moment you see those double-ticks.
Confirmed: Seeing that wisecrack written down on screen just proves how painfully unfunny it actually was.
9. Being overly cautious when it comes to double, triple, and occasionally even single texting.
It turns out being the least annoying version of yourself possible is both impossible and exhausting. Good to know.
10. Debating whether 'LOL' is too cringe and 'Haha' is too sarcastic. Eventually opting to put neither.
ROFL at the fact you will walk this earth alone due to your ridiculous indecision over the small things.
11. Noticing a typo and jumping to the conclusion that said person isn’t interested.
How can someone be into you if they don’t rephrase the same carefully-structured comment in their head over and over again until it doesn’t even read smoothly anymore?
12. Deciding to stop overthinking the situation and just approach the conversation naturally.
Worrying about how you're coming across is the key ingredient to ruining whatever might actually come from this. Time to sit back, relax, and let fate take its course.