The Major January Struggles You're Guaranteed To Experience This Month
If you haven't felt 1, 2 and 7 then who even are you?
There’s a pretty convincing argument that January is the worst months of all the months. Not only is the magic and sparkle of Christmas (and time off of work/school - thanks Jesus mate) over, but it’s also grey, cold, and we're all poor af.
Here’s 9 undeniable struggles you’ll face over the coming days.
The acute agony that is that first alarm
Right that literally cannot be my alarm because it is still the middle of the actual night. Ha ha ha I must have set it wrong, lemme just change that and go back to sle- OH. GOD.
Attempting to face reality
Do I really need to work though? Do I really need a job? Maybe I’ll just become one of those people who make millions working from home - I’m always seeing Facebook ads about them, which I’m sure are totally legit.
The Christmas convo of doom
‘How was your Christmas?’
‘Really good thanks, how was yours?’
‘Yeah nice, nice.. Went far too quickly though ha ha’
‘Oh yes it always does, doesn’t it? ha ha’
Rinse and repeat until you consider telling Dave from accounts that you were visited by an angel who informed you you’re baby Jesus reincarnated just to mix it up a bit.
Working up the courage to check your bank account
How how how how how how how how how how how how how have I already spent all of my last paycheck when I didn’t even leave the house during the blissful purgatory abyss that is the bit between Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve?
When when when when when when when is my next pay day? *check calendar* *dies*
Being invited to anything even vaguely social
Look, I’ll be brutally honest Sandra. It may well be your 21st birthday, but if it doesn’t involve me sitting on my sofa in snuggly pyjamas then I’m really not available. Sorry.
The realisation that your resolutions were 1 part ridiculous 2 parts wishful thinking
Time is a human construct literally nothing has changed. Nothing. I am the same person who likes to eat buckets of melted cheese using a whole loaf of bread as a spoon while binge-watching reality TV. Run 30 mins every day? Be more social? Go to bed before stupid o’clock and be the early bird who not only catches the worm but dances a tango with it while a crowd of squirrels enthusiastically applaud?
Who was I kidding? Yeah that last one was a bit weird, sorry. It’s all the cheese, it does odd things to the brain.
Extreme duvet attachment
Stop all the clocks. Cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
For I have been made to leave my duvet,
And that’s really not fun.
Opening the fridge to discover that there’s nothing but HEALTHY food in there
Why is it all so…. green? Where is the cheeseboard? Where is the plate of turkey leftovers? Who’s stupid idea was it to go on a January detox? Ahem.
Tbh at this point catching a glimpse of the sun would probably result in screams of terror and mass panic as people desperately try to remember what that great burning ball of fire in the sky is.
Having to deal with adverts for Valentine’s Day
No. Nope. GO AWAY IT IS NOT EVEN FEBRUARY AND THE MOST MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP I HAVE IS WITH MY DUVET (see poem, above).
- Words by Lizzie Cox.
Now how about watching a video of guys and girls trying to guess what weird sex toys are for? Ok then...