These Big Romantic Movie Gestures Would DEFF Get You Dumped IRL
Movies tell us a lot of things. They tell us that we can get shot in a limb and still kinda function (we can’t). They say that all it takes is one awesome montage to become a world champion (nope, obv). And they suggest that if you do some really, really strange things to win the heart of your chosen one, you’ll not only have your affections instantly returned but be cheered by a huge crowd of spectators for it too.
Well, we hate to break hearts but the reality of your creepy PDA attempt will more likely see you get dumped, arrested or worse…
The Stomach-Turner: Fifty Shades Of GreyIn reality, Christian Grey’s seduction technique is less likely to have your inner goddess chew her hair than hug the toilet. If the walking phallus’ ‘let me stalk you with my cheque book’ routine doesn’t make you barf, then his glider spin should literally turn your stomach. He’d probably like that though, the sick, sexy perv.
The Home Invader: TwilightThere’s a thin line between ‘Gothy dreamboat’ and ‘icky stalker’ and Twilight’s Edward Cullen swishes right through it – probably doing that unrealistic running thing. At one point literally breaking into his beloved’s room and watching her while she sleeps. Boundaries, Ted, boundaries.
Saying It With Web: The Amazing Spider-Man 2Spider-Man does whatever a spider does, although arachnoids don’t usually use their radioactive powers to trail their ex-girlfriends from the rooftops and leave sticky ‘little’ messages for her on a bridge. Predictably, Gwen Stacy thinks it’s adorable. The police however have another name for it…
The Massive, Massive Liar: While You Were SleepingThe movie version: “So you pretended to be the fiancée of the coma victim even though he doesn’t know who you are… and then cheat on your fake future husband with his brother? No, that’s fine. Good luck to you both.” The reality: “Get away from us you total freakazoid…”
The Nuptial Wrecker: The Graduate, Wedding Crashers, etcThe average UK wedding costs £21,000 and takes over a year to plan. So if some guy you’ve been having a flirt with staggers up the aisle, professes his love and brings the whole thing to a crashing halt… well, at least one side of the church would be furious enough to do violence.
The Massive Commitment: Sleepless In SeattleYeah, yeah… “if it’s meant to be,” blah, blah, blah. But seriously, suggesting that you meet your long-distance radio crush – without actually having had so much as a conversation – for Valentine’s Day at the top of the Empire State Building is a bit of a big ask for a first date. Haven’t you heard of Skype?
The Guilt Trip PDA: Never Been KissedIt’s bad enough that your reporter-going-back-to-high-school antics has left poor guy has spent the movie worrying that he’s become attracted to one of his students – hello, Operation Yewtree – but publicly demanding in your newspaper column that that he slip you the tongue in the middle of the packed local baseball park seems like a lot of pressure.
The Massive Public Declaration: Crazy Stupid Love“Wow, that was proper-Kayne the way your Dad hijacked the school ceremony and begged your Mum to take him back in front of the whole school. And now we’re going to make every single day of the rest of your education miserable. Every. Single. Day. See you Monday!” Also seeing us after class: 10 Things I Hate About You.
The Classic Cusack Boombox: Say AnythingFor film lovers of a certain age, John Cusack’s heartbroken boombox serenade of Ione Skye in Say Anything is the ultimate big romantic gesture. Without the rose tinted glasses, the guy’s not only being a massive public nuisance but the track he’s playing is the tune they lost their virginity to. Ewww…
Airport Annoyers: Love, ActuallyThe creepiest movie of all time, Love, Actually is a a haven of stalkers and pests. It features not one, but two airport-security dodging weirdoes who’re lucky not to end up shot, let alone slung in jail. Firstly there’s the plucky young lad who dodges airport security in pursuit of his high school dreamgirl, despite her actually not showing the teeniest fraction of interest in him at any point: this is not only odd but a huuuge criminal offence. They double down on this idiocy by having Martine McCutcheon mount the UK Prime Minister – one of the most heavily guarded people on the planet – as he exits a gate. “She’s attacking the PM with her thighs, take her down…”
By Tom Hawker