43 Thoughts I Had While Watching Showgirls For The First Time
Genuinely one of the worst movies ever made...
This month marks the 20th anniversary of Showgirls, a film so sleazy, just watching it can give you an STD. Which is why I have always steered well clear of it in the past.
But that’s all about to change. To mark Showgirls’ anniversary, I am going in unprotected to finally watch it. Currently I know only three things about the film: 1) It stars Jessie from Saved By The Bell, 2) it contains a LOT of nudity, and 3) it is generally considered to be one of the worst films ever made. (*Shudder*)
I can’t wait.
1. Ok I'm going in, fully aware that I will never be able to unsee anything that happens over the next 128 minutes.
2. Jessie from Saved By The Bell just pulled a knife out on someone. And she doesn't like Garth Brooks. She is clearly one tough lady.
3. Her name is Nomi apparently. She'll always be Jessie to me.
4. Jessie declares that she is going to Vegas "to dance" with such pride that it's as if she thinks dancing cures brain cancer.
5. Jessie just won lots of money on a slot machine and looked ecstatic.
6. Never mind. She has just lost it all. And someone has suggested she turn to prostitution. We’re six minutes in.
7. Boobs! There’s some boobs. I imagine there’ll be lots more.
8. “They’re going to see a smiling s****h if you don’t fix this g-string”. A smiling… what? A WHAT?
9. More boobs! Maybe I should keep a running boob tally. Maybe no one has done this before?
10. Oh god, forget the tally – already there’s too many boobs for me to count.
11. Wait, Kyle MacLachlan is in this? How did I not know that?
12. Huh, that’s Gina Gershon as well. Just having a casual conversation while completely topless.
13. Jessie is now dancing so aggressively in a nightclub that she looks like she is trying to kill everyone on the dance floor with just her hair.
14. Jessie is pole-dancing now. She just licked the pole. Yeugh.
15. OH GOD SHE HAS TAKEN HER BRA OFF. I HAVE NOW SEEN JESSIE FROM SAVED BY THE BELL’S BREASTS.
16. Oh god, she did more than that. Her hand went… ‘there’. What would AC Slater say? WHAT WOULD MR BELDING SAY?
17. AND NOW I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING. I honestly thought this was just more… er… softcore. This is obscene. I need a shower.
18. She’s back on the pole, gyrating against another dancer while completely naked.
19. It was some good gyrating apparently. Someone has asked her to audition for a show. I bet this happens in real-life strip clubs all the time.
20. Jessie is doing well in the audition but apparently “her nipples aren’t erect enough”. Tough interview.
21. Wuh? Jessie has just told a guy that she can’t have sex with him because she is “on her period” and then she makes him “check” to prove she isn’t lying. Just take her word for it! JUST TAKE HER WORD FOR IT!
22. Jessie got the part in the show despite storming off stage.
23. Hmm, Jessie has to give personal details to HR for the show and this is apparently a problem for her. What is she hiding about her past? In other news, Vegas shows have an HR department for some reason.
24. A montage of dance rehearsals has just ended with a guy repeatedly shouting “Thrust it!” in Jessie’s face. Unnecessary.
25. What? Monkeys have just overtaken everything and put on lipstick. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
26. Jessie is now dancing on a boat. I am so sick of dancing right now.
27. Oh good, they’re getting ready to dance again. Aaaaaaaand, yep, everyone is naked again. I think I have seen less than 10 items of clothing in this entire film so far.
28. Wow – fantastic compliment paid to Jessie just now: “She looks better than a 10-inch d**k”. Quite the vivid comparison.
29. Jessie is back at Kyle MacLachlan’s house and has just stripped naked and jumped in his swimming pool.
30. KYLE MACLACHLAN’S BUM ALERT.
31. This steamy sex scene has been made completely unsexy thanks to them both practically drowning under a gushing water fountain.
32. WHAT IS HAPPENING. Jessie is thrashing about in the pool so hard that she looks like a shark has caught hold of her leg. This is easily the most ridiculous sex anyone has ever had.
33. Y’know, no amount of chlorine is ever going to get the pool clean again after that.
34. Jessie has now been promoted to the star of the show. She clearly gives good thrashy pool sex.
35. Oh dear, Gina Gershon has sabotaged it in a jealous rage. It’s actually hard to hear what’s going on in this film over all the boobs.
36. Jessie has gone to the dark side and pushed Gina Gershon down the stairs. If she’s trying to hide it from anyone, she should probably stop smiling to herself like a massive psycho.
37. Oh god, things have become even more horrible. Jessie’s friend is now getting beaten and raped by three men. I thought this was a film about dancing and boobs?
38. Jessie’s past revealed! She used to be a hooker. To be honest, I was hoping for ‘deranged killer’.
39. Jessie gets revenge on her friend’s rapist! She turns up topless, holds a knife to his neck and then proceeds to dance-kick him into a coma.
40. We’re coming to the end now, I can feel it. Jessie is making peace with Gina Gershon.
41. Of course they kiss.
42. Jessie gets asked what she won in Vegas. “Me” comes the reply. I’m not sure her friend would join in the celebrations.
43. And credits. Wow, that’s a whole of people who deserve to be thoroughly ashamed.
By Matt Looker
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