MTV Review: Noah Gets Very 'Em-ocean-al'

UK Release Date: 4th April

Certificate: 12A

Running Time: 139 minutes

Cast: Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connolly, Ray Winstone, Emma Watson.

Director: Darren Aronofsky

Plot: Noah (Russell Crowe) has a nightmare about an almighty flood. He decides this dream is God telling him to build the biggest boat man has ever seen to save – not man – but two of every Earthly beast. The heavens literally open and it rains; A LOT (think British summertime x100.) An encroaching army ruled by the tyrannical Tubal-cain (Ray Winstone) try storming the ark and saving themselves from the raging waters. A high-sea hijacking attempt leaves Noah and Tubal-cain fighting for mankind’s future. Noah then tackles a rather tricky moral dilemma as Ila (Emma Watson) reveals a couple of stowaways. Finally the storm subsides and Noah and his crew find land on the newly cleansed Earth. Noah then gets drunk and naked on a beach; but like whatevs – he’s just helped rinse the Earth clean of the wicked humans and saved a lot of animals (but no dinosaurs or unicorns, sadly). 

Best Scene: Being a Darren Aronofsky (Requiem For A Dream, Black Swan) movie most scenes in Noah are soaked with his trademark stylistic touches and some of the camera work is a film student’s wet dream (pun intended). But the real money shot is a five-minute montage in the middle of the movie, which explains the whole creation story from the big bang to the rain soaked deck of his ark. Amazing!   

Best One Liner: “Take the ark!” Bawls a rowdy Tubal-Cain who really does not want to get his breeches wet. 

Date Movie or Mate Movie: Noah, as you might expect, is a real man’s man. So if you do take a lady-date prepare to feel insignificant compared to this dude. However, we guarantee your lady-date won’t be feeling too broody afterwards. Nor will she be requesting a romantic cruise around the Mediterranean anytime soon.

Scene Stealer: The moment where Noah must decide what to with some new crew members… It gets very em-ocean-al!

WTF Moment: Giant rock monsters. Giant… Rock… Monsters. Now, we didn’t always pay attention in school, but still; we do not remember giant rock monsters from RE lessons. However confusing these geological cameos may be, they do lend Noah a very helpful hand. Not only do they help Noah make his vast vessel but they also help batter away wave after wave of Tubal-cain’s invading army who are trying to get onboard without a ticket. But still… Giant rock monsters… In the bible?

Summary: It’s not all plain sailing for poor Noah and his floating zoo. But he weathers the storm and follows through with God’s orders without complaining once. Aronofksy’s film tackles a difficult beast: adapting a biblical story for the big screen. But he does it with skill and keeps the tone refreshingly dark. Obviously. There are no portholes in Noah’s ark. Crowe plays Noah perfectly as a grizzled old man of action, but with many flaws. Whereas Winston’s Tubal-cain is the very manifestation of all that is evil and wicked with mankind and who deserves to be washed away. This is a hard story to tell, told well.

By Michael Currell @mtvuknews