22 Things Anyone On Their Period Will 100% Relate To
New uterus lining, NEW YOU.
Ok, so about once a month things get a ~LITTLE~ crazy for us ladies. And with our hormones going up and down like Justin Bieber on a pogo stick, it’s no wonder that sometimes we end up in fights we don’t understand, feel emotions we can’t explain and just generally just have a piss-poor time tbh.
Here are 22 period moments that all womb-bearers of the world can relate to. Gurrrl, we’ve all been there…
1. Unafraid, unawares
It’s the calm before the storm where you’ve forgotten what periods even are. What is pain? What is womb? Nothing but hazy memories…
Wanna go to a house party this weekend? SURE, you say, I’m feeling fresh and flirty – you just try to STOP me…
2. The apocalypse
Ok so life is unfair and it’ll make you HELLA angry. Your parents are so annoying you want to destroy all their furniture and throw it out the window. You’re swearing at the pavement when you trip up over nothing and find yourself aggressively elbowing people in queues.
Then your friend gives you a compliment about your new haircut – you break down crying because you think she’s making fun of you.
3. Detective moment
Haaaaaang on. The mood swings, the achy boobs…
You are the period detective and you’ve uncovered the truth – period is coming soon to a uterus near you. That’s another mystery solved, Sherlock.
4. The actual discovery
You knew it was coming… you KNEW, but that didn’t stop it from arriving all at once, unexpectedly. Of course you weren’t prepared, not one bit. And the evidence is in your knickers. Great.
5. Dressed to impress
"What shall I wear today?"…is the question you did NOT ask yourself this morning. Looks like it’ll be worn out trackies and oversized hoodies until further notice…
6. The pain kicks in
Ok OW. Ow ow OW. You’re wobbling around struggling for breath like you’ve just got punched in the uterus. Which, really, you have been. Repeatedly. For, oh I dunno, THE PAST HOUR.
7. The false sense of security
The pain is somehow even worse than you thought it would be - you make a dash for the paracetamol thinking it will solve all of your problems.
Phew, thank GOD for medicine. In a few minutes this will all be over…
8. Let’s get heated
Ok, not to panic or anything but the paracetamol isN’T EVeN HElpiING…
Not to worry, you think, that’s why we use hot water bottles to soothe and calm the muscles.
9. The helplessness
YEAH OK WHAT’S ACTUALLY GOING ON NOTHING IS HELPING AND I DON’T WANT TO BE DRAMATIC BUT I MAY DIE HERE.
10. Severe exhaustion
The period pain has finally died down, leaving you feeling like you’ve survived an epic Lord of The Rings battle featuring a twelve-minute individual face-off with the Necromancer.
11. You feel gross
You just have this incredibly strong, innate sense that you are the most unattractive human being to ever walk the face of the Earth. Your outfit probably doesn’t help… but even if you were dressed up to the nines, you know that no one could ever love you. Not today. Not this week. NOT EVER.
You’ll probably cry about this in the bathroom if you go to ANY kind of alcohol-infused social event.
12. Someone gives you BS
Someone makes a sarky, kind-of-rude comment and you turn to them slowly with a dangerous glint in your eye.
It won’t be a fist fight (you’re still exhausted from battle – see above), but those daggers you're shooting are almost worse. You have ZERO time for BS right now – and everyone knows it.
13. Someone makes a joke
You know somewhere deep down that that joke would have made you laugh… just a couple of days ago. But right now you couldn’t think of anything more immature and annoying.
14. The loneliness
A problem shared is a problem halved. You kind of want some emotional support right now but you don’t want to let everybody know that you’re bleeding out the vaj cos that’s kind of intimate, ya know?
So it looks like you’re on your own.
15. The big reveal
GREAT. You were bending over to get something out of a cupboard, your bag fell off your shoulder and approximately 10,000 tampons spilled across the floor, rolling in slow motion around people's feet for what seemed like 10 minutes non-stop.
Well that’s that secret out. Now everybody is fully aware of the current state of your vagina.
16. Permanent pant damage
Great – yet another stain… How heavy is this flow?! These pants are HISTORY.
17. Absolute ~bloody~ disaster
You turned around in the mirror and found that it’s gone through further than your pants. THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW.
You find a jumper to tie around your waist or, if there’s nothing to save you, you spend the day with your hands behind your bum edging along walls and dashing through open spaces. Period ninja is in the building.
Omg you have dreamed about this moment all day – you have reached the safety of your warm bedroom, and you are alive to tell the tale. Just.
19. Compulsive liar
Ok it’s day two, the pain is gone and you’re feeling a little more energised. But that does NOT mean you are ready to socialise.
You’ve now entered a new compulsive liar phase. God it’s SUCH a shame that you can’t go to that house party cos you REALLY wanted to go, it’s just that your cat has swallowed your hairbrush and you’ve had to make an emergency vet appointment. CLASSIC Tibbles.
20. Had enough
You can barely feel it happening any more, but it’s lingering on and you have had quite ENOUGH: this whole bleeding thing has gotten really old. Come on Mother Nature - give a girl a break, would ya?
I just want to wear nice pants again, that’s all I want.
HALLELUJAH, IT’S OVER! You’ve even started smiling at your reflection in the mirror. Fairwell period pain, fatigue, sore boobs and sanitary products.
The birds are singing in the trees, you’ve started wearing clothes that don’t resemble bin liners, and you’re going to text your friends and let them know that you are reintegrating yourself back into society. New uterus lining, NEW YOU.
Enjoy it, cos you’ve only got three weeks left.
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