57 Thoughts I Had While Crashing A Virtual Reality Tank Around In 'Battlezone'
WHOOSHING. LASERS. SO MANY LASERS.
Virtual Reality is finally here IRL!
Playstation VR is out and bringing VR amazingness to your front room - and one of the most awesome new games for it is Battlezone. You man a tank, known as a Cobra. You drive said tank, whooshing around a map that looks straight outta Tron, BUMPER-CAR STYLE, to shoot down the baddies.
It’s a remake of a retro ‘80s arcade game. But all you really need to know is that you’re on team BLUE TANK. These are your friends. You are shooting down the baddies – the RED TANKS. Boooooo them!
The most fun to be had is in co-op – where you play with a team of four other VR tank-pilots (yes we know that’s probably not the proper tank word) to protect your base and take down the enemy red ones.
Here’s what really went on in my head while crashing around with nothing but a team of trusty tank laser beams to save earth…
1. Head set on. Menu time. Screens! Many screens. They’re all in front of me. This looks a bit technical.
2. I’m in an actual cockpit! There’s shiny metal all around me. And the seat is very nice. Padding looks quality. Well, this is a nice comfy experience all round.
3. I could get used to driving a Cobra tbh. More roomy than my Vauxhall Corsa.
4. Alright, this is just the menu screen. I choose a LIGHT TANK. So I can be AGILE and QUICK and shoot down all of these damn dirty tanks.
5. 3, 2, 1 and we’re in. The reds are coming. Screw you guys (reds).
6. OMG they are LASER TANKS.
7. What even is a laser tank?
8. Laser b*stards!
9. I am dead.
10. OK let’s go again. Back in the cockpit menu, we’re moving across to the next procedurally-generated arena on a snazzy board of hexes – which are basically Blockbusters hexagons.
11. ‘Procedurally-generated’ means the game’s coming up with the level HOT AND FRESH and never been whooshed on before. Mmm procedures.
12. This time I will stick with the light and quick tank. Zoomy.
13. Now we’re protecting our base from ARIEL DRONE THINGS IN THE SKY.
14. I’m using my lock-on target gun tthing to shoot the ARIEL DRONE THINGS.
15. I am not good at remembering gun names.
16. OH GOD LOOKING UP INTO THE SKY AND WHIZZING AROUND AT LIGHTING SPEED MAKES ME FEEL VERY QUEASY.
17. Yes, very queasy.
18. BRB. Time for a quick break from the VR unit and a sit down and a biscuit. Blurgh.
19. Back in and it’s time to customise some load outs. Those that have cashed in their sweet credits upgrade their weapons. I, instead, had a quiet sit down break from the whizzing, so I customise nada.
20. I will opt for a HEAVY TANK.
21. More armour + slower pace = less motion sickness. Yay! I LOVE MY SHINY NEW SLOW AND HEAVY TANK.
22. Back and shooting the drone things in the sky like a baws.
23. BYE FELICIA!
24. Moving around in a co-op group to take out loads of enemy tanks is working. THERE IS SAFETY IN BIG TANK NUMBERS.
25. Time to race over and revive my fallen tank comrade.
26. This is great. WE WILL NEVER DIE.
27. Trying, trying, trying to get to my tank mate in time.
29. Too late. Homeboy’s SELF DESTRUCTED. Soz.
30. CURSE MY SLOW AND HEAVY TANK.
31. End of the match.
32. I win the TRUNDLER award for all my slow trundling around the map. Lols ring out across the headsets. I will embrace the trundling as a badge of honour.
33. Let’s go again, tank team! I am HEAVY TANK. I will trundle. I will win.
34. Protecting the base is going well.
35. Even though rocket turrets are doing their best to take us down.
36. Oh god I’m scared.
37. MAN DOWN. This time I will trundle over to revive my co op crew.
41. REVIVED! We are TANK SQUAD GOALS.
42. We are taking down the NEMESIS TANK which is an even badder baddie than the red tanks.
43. The nemesis not only fires at us but powers up the enemy red tanks.
44. I shot him!
45. I’m out of ammo!
46. I found some ammo!
47. Shooting shooting shooting everywhere.
48. YOU CAN DO IT TANK SQWAD.
49. The Nemesis is critical.
50. THE TEAM HAVE TAKEN DOWN THE NEMESIS.
51. I THINK.
52. YES WE HAVE.
53. The match is over.
54. I win the NINJA AWARD.
55. I think that means I hung out at the back and then swooped in to deliver the laser blows at the end FOR THE GLORY.
56. My life is complete.
57. 5/5 would tank again.
- Battlezone is out on Playstation VR now.