15 Weird Party Policies That No-one’s Talking About This General Election
With the 8th of June (election day) drawing ever closer you probably have an idea of what each party is generally about.
But we bet you haven’t spent an entire day scrolling through the full manifestos of the main parties running checking out just what exactly they have planned if they win the election… well, we have, and we’ve made some pretty odd discoveries… here are 15 weird party policies that no-one’s actually talking about.
1. Skype yo doctor
The Lib Dems want to make GPs more accessible to everyone. Now we’re not saying that’s not a bladdy great thing as it’s SO difficult to sort out an appointment (especially if you work during the week) but the LDs are not only in favour of more online GP appointments... they want people to get checked out more via Skype.
"Hi Dr Johnson, can you check out this weird lump on my ball sack?" *Unleashes private parts on live webcam*
Can you imagine the field day online hackers would have - that recent NHS system hack would have been taken to a WHOLE other Black Mirror level.
2. Up the scientists
A couple of parties have mentioned this, the Conservatives being one of them. They wrote “we will increase the number of scientists working in the UK” because “the UK should be the most innovative country in the world.” Cos by the way Britain should be the #1 country in the world in every way according to the Conservatives’ manifesto.
Is it just us or are you also imagining a long line of crazy scientists filing through airport security to get into the UK with their wispy white hair and monocles?
3. We love broadleaves
In an attempt to get green, Labour has promised to “mobilise communities to plant 64 million native broadleaf trees in 10 years”.
Thanks for specifying... Let’s thank our lucky stars that they’re not broadleaves from somewhere in the EU. We don’t want to be part of that sh*t.
4. Let's all just learn how to cycle
The Green Party have promised to invest money into “low traffic neighbourhoods and safe, convenient networks of routes for walking and cycling, including safe places for learning to cycle”.
What with the turbulent state of Britain today, we all need to set our priorities straight. Learning to cycle is of the upmost importance.
5. Ain’t no time for the arty farty
Let’s face it, the arts subjects are worthless and a complete waste of time. That’s why UKIP have kindly offered to wipe arts students from the world by demanding that they pay for tuition fees, while those studying science, technology, engineering, maths and medicine GET EDUCATED FOR FREE.
Well it’s not like art students suffer enough with low paid jobs and an inability to do simple sums in their heads while buying Wotsits at the cornershop. Kick us while we’re down why don’t you.
6. Be kind, get paid
The Lib Dems have said that they wanted to help those at work with mental health problems, which we’re all for. What we’re not so sure about is this: they want to introduce a ‘wellbeing premium’ to "reward employers who take clear action to measurably improve the health of their employees”.
So… bosses are going to get paid extra if they're nice to employees who are struggling? Why can’t they just be nice already? And won't bosses just start faking niceness to get a load of extra cash?!
7. Great Exhibition of the North
No, this is not a Game of Thrones episode, this is a new Conservative party policy.
In 2018, they have promised to hold a Great Exhibition of the North “to celebrate amazing achievements in innovation, the arts and engineering”.
Could this also be translated as: “PLEASE VOTE FOR ME NORTHERN BRITAIN”? Hmmm…
Looks like Theresa May wants to get as far away from the Maggie Thatcher legacy as poss, because up North they REALLY didn’t like her…
8. Extra party days
The Labour party would like to add four extra UK public holidays each year to mark national patron saints days… ya know, patron saints? St. George, St Patrick and all those dudes? No? That’s probably because no-one cares. Still, we should definitely celebrate them more by taking some days off work.
If you’re trying to get people to vote for you Corbyn…. Then you’re probably going about it in the right way, actually…
9. Equal opportunities for all...
UKIP have promised to take away those pesky restrictions on employers who just want to hire under-25-year-olds who are British over a better qualified/ more experienced foreign candidate cos they want to support British workers.
But… like… I know UKIP say that they’re proud of their position and that people who call their policies racist/ xenophobic are “bigots” who “need to get their moral compasses fixed”… but, um, this is totally xenophobic, guys.
10. Charging for disposable cups
You know that 5p bag charge we now get? Well it looks like Lib Dem want to build on that and introduce a charge on disposable coffee cups too to reduce waste.
Now we are all for saving the environment… but to avoid spending LOADS more every year we'll have to bring our own massive reusable silicone mug... and those things weigh an actual tonne. Can someone please come up with a better solution ASAP? Thanks.
11. Military gone cray
The Conservatives are promising they’ll invest £178 billion on new military equipment over the next decade. They’re planning the “largest programme of investment in our armed forces for generations”.
Urrrr…. Does this scare anyone else?
12. Let’s check in on the pubs
Labour have promised to do a national review of local pubs in order to understand why they’ve gone downhill.
Thank GOODNESS they’ve got the pub situation under surveillance. It really has been neglected of late.
13. Go shopping for the parking
UKIP want to encourage local trade. How? By getting each local authority to offer “at least 30 minutes’ free parking in town centres and shopping parades”.
Well this has completely blown ASOS out of the water. Free parking? It’s not even a choice!
14. We’re all getting our own tree
The Lib Dems are gonna plant us all our own tree!
Well, in their words they’re going to “reverse the current sharp decline in the rate of woodland creation by aiming to plant a tree for every UK citizen over the next 10 years, and protect remaining ancient woodlands”.
How many people have ya got doing the planting tho… sounds long.
15. Maths rules
The Conservatives have said that they’ll “introduce new funding arrangements so we can open a specialist maths school in every major city in England”.
Very random. Also total f**king favouritism…
So there you have it - party policies that you may never have heard of because no-one is talking about them… and some of them are weird af.
TOP TIP: Cause the election manifestos are often super-long and quite dense, it’s a good idea to pick one topic that you’re passionate about (e.g. education) and flick to that section in each one. Then you can really get your teeth into what the parties are actually planning for their win…
Here's a load of stuff you should probably stop complaining about if you cba to vote...