Pretty Little Liars Season 7: 20 Things We Learned From 'The DArkest Knight'
God help us all.
Well, where do we even start? Pretty Little Liars' 7A finale promised to be a #PLLDeathTrap, and death trap it was.
This week's recap is less of a 'things we learned' and more of a 'holy christ did all of this actually happen?'
Honestly, 'The DArkest Knight' was so insane, we could've... lost our heads watching it. A-THANK YOU.
1. First thing’s first, the Liars shock us all by doing something they quite literally never do
They call the bloody police! We started off so well, guys.
2. Caleb succeeds in annoying us arecord 9 seconds into the episode
I’m sorry, are you jealous that YOU didn’t get to bury Archer ‘like a dog’, as you most beautifully put it, pal?
3. Thankfully, at least one PLL guy isn’t making us want to scream at something
After getting the 911 call, Detective Fury comes straight in and promises that nothing’s going to happen ‘to these women’. Yep, he said women.
He might be totally wrong, but still. We always knew we liked you, Fury.
4. Ezra FaceTimes Aria to give her another vague description about Nicole’s unsuccessful jungle rescue mission
The only interesting thing he tells her is that ‘no one should have to mourn someone twice’. A bit of #deathtrap foreshadowing, perhaps?
5. Hanna has some trouble with her kidnapping Noel plan so calls in her ultimate accomplice
YES MONA. GET IT.
6. OOOOH, Ali’s clearly jealous that Paige turns up to support Emily
Rise, Emison. Rise.
7. Speaking of ships, Haleb finally did that whole gross reunion thing everyone was waiting for
I’m sure we’re supposed to find Caleb’s whole rom-com monologue really cute, but he’s still the worst.
8. OH MY GOD ALISON IS PREGNANT
OMG Omg oMg OMg I cannot breathe. If this kid ends up being Emily’s stolen egg baby then this show needs all the crazy ass awards.
9. Meanwhile, Haleb are having sex in front of that fireplace of doom
You know, the one where Aria was nearly burnt alive by A. Romantic.
10. Wait, even Emison are getting it on now
Oh snap, it’s happening. Well, Marlene did tell us this was the most romantic season ever. We’re sure nothing could go wrong…
11. After Ezra doesn’t return home from ~the jungle~, Aria switches on the TV and sees…
Him reuniting with a very much alive Nicole in Colombia. Why is this footage being streamed live on the news? Who knows, but it’s hilarious.
12. Spoby are saying some extremely dramatic goodbyes to each other
Which apparently involve kissing. Hooray for that lucky fiancé of his.
13. Hanna gets Noel’s lab results back and finds out that he definitely isn’t Mary Drake’s kid
So now it’s a little awkward that she’s still got him tied up in a motel. Oh wait, it's cool - he's escaped anyway.
14. The latest former Rosewood nobody is back, and this week it’s Sydney
To be fair, she’s pretending to be Jenna (walking stick and all), which we’re naturally big fans of.
15. And now the Liars are stuck in a murder house with Jenna and Noel
This plan is going really well. Still, there’s only like 12 minutes left, surely nothing THAT big is going to happen, right?
16. Oh my god please don’t tell me Emily just decapitated Noel Kahn
That escalated quickly. Aaaand that takes Em’s kill count up to two. That’s pretty normal for a 23-year-old.
17. Jenna finally gets round to finding the girls and shoots Spencer in the chest
18. But luckily, Mary Drake’s on hand to sing to her, which is a known way to heal a bullet wound
Why is she singing? Oh right, it’s because SPENCER IS APPARENTLY HER DAUGHTER. AGH.
19. Jenna gets pulled out of the murder house by A.D
Who we still can’t see but seriously at this point who even cares, I’ve just seen Noel Kahn’s decapitated head roll down some stairs.
20. OH, and Toby and Yvonne have crashed their truck into a tree
We feel so calm and stable. What a nice way to end this half season. We need all the Radley brunch mimosas right now.
Wake us up in April, bitches.
Pretty Little Liars Seasons 1-6 are available in full on Netflix now. Season 7, Episode 10 is available NOW. You can sign up to a free month here.