11 Things That Happen When You've Been Single Forever
One plus none equals one.
We came into this world alone, and we’ll leave it alone. But what if the middle bits are all sort of alone themed too?
Here’s 11 things you’ll know if you are perpetually single.
The dating app circle
There’s probably a mathematical formula that summarises the relationship all long-time single people have with dating apps. You download. You embark upon a week of intense swiping and small-talk-chatting. You don’t meet up with anyone. You get bored. You delete. You tell your friends ‘I’m done with Tinder, if I’m meant to meet someone I’ll meet someone’. You wait. You don’t meet anyone. Times passes. You reconsider. ‘I’ll give it another try’, you think. You re-download.
Ciiiiircles, we’re going in ciiiiiircles.
Living vicariously through rom-coms
Look, it’s not as if being single is a bad thing. You don’t need another human to legitimise your life on this planet. However. Being swept off your feet by the rich politician dude staying in the hotel room you clean while a full orchestra plays in the background wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
No you don’t work in a hotel. No you’re not Jennifer Lopez. Yes, you can still dream.
One plus none equals one
Your friends are so used to you flying solo that you don’t even get offered plus ones to events any more. What if you wanted to bring Dave from accounts (for no other reason than because he dances like Shakira when he’s had a few drinks and it’s hilarious), eh?
The Ex Files
It’s not a competition. But seeing your ex with a new partner is still annoying. YOU wanted to be the one to move on first, but he’s now been with her longer than he was with you, and the most meaningful relationship you’ve had since is with that wheel of camembert in the fridge. Although to be fair, that was pretty special.
You’re essentially a professional binge-watcher
Oh the LUXURY of ditching date night to sit in your own bed (that you don’t have to share) watching episode after episode of your fave show, with no fight over what to watch, no need to interact with anyone, and only yourself to worry about.
Just all of the social media
Who dat who dat - oh, it’s yet another of my friends/colleagues/acquaintances getting engaged/married/pregnant. You're happy for them, you really are, but you're still struggling to hold back the mini-vom over the gushing status and obligatory loved-up pics. Sorry.
The friends who just won’t quit
The thing about a lot of coupled up friends is that they just WILL NOT BE HAPPY until you are coupled up too, so you can all do couple things together and soak up each other’s coupley-ness.
Having the first date thing DOWN
You’ve been on so many you’re almost working from a script at this point, and can tell if it’s going to be good or oh-god-why-didn’t-I-just-stay-home-and-watch-netflix in approx 0.45 seconds.
You genuinely don’t understand how anyone meets anyone
Seriously. How does love actually happen? When you think about the chances of meeting someone you actually like, and the probability of that person actually liking you back?
Learning to ‘love yourself’
You don’t mean in a spiritual way (although that too). You mean in a Hailee Steinfeld ‘I know how to scream my own name’ type way. Hey, we all gots needs, right?
The family event interrogations
‘Found anyone yet?’, ‘A nice boy still hasn’t snapped you up then?’, ‘You’re still single? Oh pet, it’ll happen for you one day’.
Would everyone please excuse you, while you go and bury yourself in the garden to escape this torture.
- Words by Lizzie Cox.
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