12 Guys You Will Probably Date At Some Point
Prepare to encounter each and every one in a single Tinder session.
Dating boys is a lot like shopping at Primark. You see a hundred things you like on the shop floor and yet when you get your purchase home and try it on for real, you more often than not realise it has some bizarre design flaw that most probably exposes both your nipples and your entire arse.
Often it takes a real rummage and daily visits to the New In section to find that one diamond among the racks and racks of weirdness.
If that sounds a little too familiar, here’s a heads up on a few types of guy that you’ll undoubtedly end up dating at some point or another.
A f***boy is much like a handbag. Full of crap and extremely replaceable.
Have your fun but don’t forget that realistically he’s also seeing as many other people as you are. And maybe make sure there’s enough condoms in that handbag of yours, because who knows where he’s been.
You can’t resist his man bun or his Herschel backpack, but the fact he judges you for your preference for Spotify over vinyl and that you’ll happily drink coffee from Starbucks when there’s an independent cold brew bar a five mile uphill cycle down the road gets old after approximately 3.5 seconds.
The sweetie darling
“Date a nice boy,” your friend who's been in a relationship practically since she fell out of the womb says to you. And so you do. But this boy is sooo nice and soooo well-adjusted that you begin to become suspicious that deep down, he might be a robot.
The never-ending drizzle of compliments and super thoughtful gestures are great - up to a point. The point where you wonder how someone so nice can like someone, well, someone like you quite this much. Has he not noticed that you’re sarcastic, cynical and sort of a bitch sometimes? Keeping up this act is tiring and inevitably you dump him because boredom.
The guy who stands for everything you despise
He’s a grown up, alpha male, suited type who uses the term ‘#banter’ unironically. He does CrossFit for 'lols' and it’s hard to stand next to him without choking on the cloud of ludicrously expensive cologne that follows him wherever he goes.
It’s not like you even want to like him: his arrogance is repulsive. And yet here you are, also finding it so hot that you can’t stop getting it on with him - at least until you tell him you don’t have a four year plan and he leaves you for a girl who owns a pencil skirt and who knows what working in consultancy actually means. What's most weird is that you're actually sort of sad about it.
Faux woke bae
He’s read Roxane Gay and he retweets Janet Mock. He refers to himself as an ally of everyone and everything, and yet as soon as you get into a relationship with him he reveals that at heart, he is nothing but an enormous manchild who expects you to massage his ego and fetch him a snack.
Apparently that public school education he liked to pretend he didn't have doesn't come out in the (environmentally friendly) wash after all.
The one that looked so good on paper
And by ‘paper’ you know we mean ‘Tinder’. Still, you have three mutual friends! He has a dog! And you both like Wes Anderson movies!
Reality check: literally everyone likes puppies and Wes Anderson movies. Much like fetch, trying to force it to happen doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen. Go see, accept it’s ok to be disappointed by him and live to drunk snog at least 35 more of him on your quest for love.
The older dude
He was born at least half a decade before you and for some reason this makes you assume that he must be wise, worldly and oh so mature.
But after the initial glow of expensive dinners and nights in on the sofa that he actually owns wears off, you realise that actually your life is WAY more sorted than his will ever be.
The repeat offender
You dated this now ex-boyfriend for a while and it was pretty much magic. But then you broke each other’s hearts and while you know it’s over, you can’t stop torturing yourself by going back there again and again. And maybe just once more??
And yeah it feels good at the time, but afterwards you maybe just end up feeling a bit sad and used. We know it sucks but just have to cut. it. off. You’ll thank yourself in the long run.
The casual mate you definitely shouldn't have let out of the friend zone
You had a couple/35493 drinks and seeing as both of you are having a bit of a dry spell right now, you somehow ended up back at yours dry humping the night away.
And it’s not that it wasn’t a good night; it’s just that the next day he is so weird about the fact that you’ve seen his peen that you sort of wish that you’d left it well alone. And then there’s the image of his naked bod which you will never not be able to see whenever you eat lasagne with your friend group for the rest of time until you die.
Mr I’m sooooo sensitive
This guy has moves learnt straight out of every romcom you've ever seen. He reels you in with romance and thoughtful texts. He opens up to you and reveals that he’s been hurt.
However, this real life Noah-from-the-Notebook act is quite probably also pile of shit and just a big fat disguise for the fact that he has difficulty processing the most basic human emotions. Is he a sociopath? Potentially, but either way it’s probably time to get out of this one before it's 3AM and he's using never knowing his father as an excuse for flirting with your best friend at your birthday drinks.
The one on the rebound
He says he’s over it, but you can see that long-term relationship he just got out of all over his puppy-dog-eyed face.
As much as you try to kid yourself that this is going to work out, it’s just a matter of time before he sits you down for that talk about 'keeping it casual'. FYI that's boy code for him wanting to go out and get with many people as possible to distract himself from his very broken heart.
The one that accidentally becomes your boyfriend
By this point you're potentially feeling cynical about this thing they call love and are telling everyone you're keeping it casual, just having fun. Mainly because you've sort of got the fear that you're going to be alone forever and might as well put a good spin on things.
But then you meet this guy and he makes you laugh and yeah, he pisses you off sometimes, but then you wake up one morning and realise that he is somehow all of a sudden your boyfriend, sort of without you even realising it had even happened.
Now check out girls and guys taking our equally awkward and sexy would you rather quiz...