13 Foolproof Ways To Get Someone To Fall In Love With You
1. Dip yourself in melted chocolate and roll around on a bed of Rice Krispies.
Being single is pretty great, but having somebody to swap spit with can also be kinda fun.
Still on the hunt for that special someone? Then these 10 top and in no way even slightly ironic tips will 100% guarantee you the love your heart desires. Ahem.
1. Get a job as a kitten salesperson
If anything will make people put up with that slobbish habit you have of living in your own filth, it's 24/7 access to a bundle of fluffy and adorable kittens.
2. Dress up as a piece of bacon
EVERYONE loves bacon. Well except vegetarians, vegans and those who subscribe to several religions, in which case you might have better luck dressing up as a comedy salad item of your choice instead. We vote celery. Celery is as hilarious as it is pointless.
3. Get Harry Styles' face tattooed on your face
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no man, woman or animal is able to resist the charm of One Direction's resident curly-haired cherub. So give yourself the best shot at love by fooling people into thinking you might actually be him. Surely a great big face tattoo and some coloured contacts should cut it?
4. Change your name to their name
Imitation is said to be the sincerest form of flattery. Show them just how much you want to jump their bones by impersonating them in every possible way.
Note: this may also result in freaking them out. Can't imagine why.
5. Ask tumblr
tumblr has loaaaaads of advice that you should 100% take. Like this:
6. Ask Siri
Tumblr not working out? Then ask Siri. Or alternatively just ask Siri out?
Dating a robot seems so much simpler than dating irl.
7. Dip yourself in melted chocolate and roll around in a paddling pool full of Rice Krispies
Don't know if you've noticed but chocolate krispie cakes are always, always the first thing to go at a bake sale. With that in mind it makes total sense to turn yourself into a giant human version so you will become irresistible to everyone you desire (and probably also some you don't).
Also we would like to ask that you don't hold us responsible when someone gets a bit overexcited and bites a chunk out of your ear.
8. Know more about them than they know about themself
Nothing is more engaging than someone who's researched you to the point that they know exactly why you got detention that time in year 7, despite the fact you haven't even met yet.
9. Wear a golden retriever mask forever. Even in the shower.
Dogs > humans. It's a scientific fact.
10. Write a YA book in which you star as the particularly brooding yet emotionally stunted hero.
Describing yourself as having both skin that shines like diamonds and an insatiable appetite for human blood is going to bring ALL the girls and boys to the yard.
11. Literally never speak to them. Just look longingly in their direction and write long journal entries about how you once passed them a pencil in History.
Pretty sure this is how every teen movie of all time starts and if they aren't something to take as bible, what is?
12. Carry a bunch of chicken nuggets in your bag and leave a trail of them behind you as you go.
Someone who won't eat chicken nuggets off the pavement is not someone you want to find eternal love with.
13. Brew a love potion that makes you hate people a bit less
Because real talk: it's hard to find love when absolutely everyone is really annoying. And this seems about as likely to work as anything else.
So in conclusion - if you hadn't guessed - there is obviously, absolutely no fail safe tip to aid you in your quest to fall in love. But if it happens then cool, if it doesn't then SOD THAT and worrying about it too.
You do you and perhaps do all of these things anyway, but only because being a human rice krispie cake sounds like the only career goal truly worth attaining.
Now how about watching a video of guys and girls trying to guess what weird sex toys are for? Ok then...