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How To Trust Someone In A New Relationship

With your darkest secret or your last Rolo...

New relationships are exciting AF. But they are also scarier than that nightmare you had where Justin Bieber ate your dog. Come on JB.

It can besuper hard to trust a new person, whether you've had bad experiences in the past or you are new to the dating game, so we called on Dr Kathrine Bejanyan, a relationship counsellor, to share a few pieces of advice to help you trust the new person in your life.

But first, introducing Hannah Witton, the Millenial Agony Aunt...

They cheated on me in the beginning...

'See also: I caught them texting other people'

“It’s natural to be on high alert to make sure this never happens to you again. While it’s good to be more aware, be careful of seeing danger when there might not be any. If you are driven by the pain of your past experiences, you will act out, accuse and blame your partner for something that may not actually be there, severely corroding the trust in the relationship. Define your boundaries and speak out (kindly) when they are being violated. Respecting one another’s boundaries are key building blocks to trust.

"Also, you don’t have to drive yourself crazy trying to play detective in your relationship. Instead, if your partner does something suspicious, the discussion with him will focus on the breaching of boundaries, not allegations of cheating. If you are struggling to build trust with him because he continues to overstep your boundaries, then you know this isn’t the right relationship for you, whether or not he is or isn’t cheating.”

They have a past history of cheating...

'See also: I have cheated before so why shouldn’t they?'

"In either of these cases the blueprint in their mind of a relationship strongly includes the possibility of cheating. However, rather than live in fear of this happening again, which will surely erode trust, confront the fears and openly talk about them.

"Yes, cheating has been a reality of your other relationships and it’s easy for us to live in dread that the past will repeat itself. To undo previous patterns and begin to build trust, you and your partner need to have an honest conversation about the mistakes that were made and how you want it to be different. This regular, open communication and team work will help you both feel more trusting and connected to each other."

I’ve never had a boyfriend before...

'See also: I hate opening up to people...'

"In this case, it’s not about fear of trust stemming from the past but about the fear of trusting that we won’t be judged or rejected for who we are. This fear stems from a basic underlying misconception about relationships – our partner will love us for all the great things we have to offer and be put-off by our flaws because who wants to to deal with flaws, right? Nope, wrong!

"When you appear closed, your partner will have a hard time emotionally connecting with you. Trust and intimacy are developed through the process of sharing our vulnerabilities and our imperfections with another person. When we do this in our relationship, it reminds our partner that we are not perfect and they don’t have to be either. Plus, it lets them know they are important enough to us that we are willing to open up to them."

I don’t trust it will work out because my parents got divorced...

"At the most basic level, our sense of security and trust can have suffered enormously. Subsequently, the trauma of this experience and the lasting affect can be quite harmful and demoralizing for building trust within future romantic relationships. Generally, the younger we were when it happened, the more significant our trust issues can be as an adult.

"Recognising and acknowledging the source of the fears, sadness and hurt you might still be harbouring from your parent’s divorce is critical. Within a loving and committed partnerships, you need to be willing to be open about your doubts and insecurities as you work to heal from them. You are not destined for the same faith as your parents. Instead, you and your partner can work together to solidify the trust and commitment in your relationship if you understand the source of your insecurities and openly communicate it.

"A friend of mine uncovered her trust issues in her marriage one innocuous afternoon when her husband laughed at a joke about divorce in a movie. She erupted in anger and tears, with fears of being abandoned like her mother, pouring out. My friend went back and spoke to her husband, explaining where her strong reaction had come from. He was finally able to understand why she was so hurt by his laugher and not been offended by her reaction, taking it personally. What could have been left as a terrible fight between them, eroding their trust in one another, actually cultivated deeper intimacy and understanding within their relationship."

'Dr Kathrine Bejanyan is a relationship and dating consultant and you can find her at www.kathrinebejanyan.com.'

Now take a peek at Hannah Witton's guide to doing it because you might need it tbh.....

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