14 Reasons Why Valentine's Day Is Just A Big Bag Of Sh*t
Fifty Shades of no thank you.
There’s nowhere to run. There’s nowhere to hide. Valentine’s Day 2017 is imminent, like a big bright pink, confetti-covered blob of sloppy snog that you can’t avoid. So we’re just gonna take this moment to stand up and say it.
OHHH, what a giant pile of shit that will be.
Whether you’re as single as a frozen pizza dinner for one, or whether you’re mega loved up and currently trying to figure out how to adequately declare your feelings for bae, we all need to start facing up to the fact that Valentine’s Day is pretty much the worst, and here’s 14 reasons why. Soz.
1. Breaking news, guys and girls. It’s literally a made up money grabber.
Plucked from thin air by grotesque old men working for co-orporations who just want to make millions out of people’s vulnerable, inner-most feelings. A commercial holiday. An exploitative money-making machine to leave you skint and inadequate. A FARCE, YOU HEAR ME.
2. One of the olden-days holidays linked to Valentine’s Day is an ancient roman festival.
It’s called Lupercalia, and celebrated the arrival of spring by pairing off women with men by a random lottery, so that’s nice. Not only that, but tradition also called for the men to sacrifice a goat and a dog, and then whip their women with the hides of the dead animals. Err, Fifty Shades of No Thanks.
3. Literally every single one of your favourite restaurants will be booked up on the 14th.
Takeaways, food delivery drivers and even Nando’s will all be ridiculously busy as well, thanks to the couples deciding to have a ‘cute, quiet one at home’ this year. Sighhh - please go away, go back to not ever celebrating your love, and let me eat my Mighty Meaty on time and in peace.
4. Some dick at work/college will, of course, be sent giant flowers right in front of you.
Just to remind you that they’re long-term loved up while you’re stuck reading some shit pie charts and heading home to a microwave risotto. However, it’s also important to remember that flowers die in merely a handful of days and lilies can actually KILL CATS, so they’re also incredibly pointless and evil.
5. We’re not just single and bitter. If you are in a relationship, then you have to spend loads on a crap card.
Which will be one of two options: either something romantic and vom-worthy like two mice sharing a piece of heart-shaped cheese, or an absolutely-not-funny message like two avocados saying ‘Let’s avo cuddle.’ Either way, it’ll cost you about four pounds which could have bought a really nice sandwich for lunch tomorrow instead.
6. Anything vaguely good in the world suddenly becomes ten times more expensive.
Chocolate, bubbly drinks, teddy bears, nice undies - name something vaguely fancy and the price will have quadrupled. No more Maltesers or lacy knickers for you for the time being, but hold out until 15th December and you do get bargain chocolate that you can eat by yourself, so swings and roundabouts.
7. Even if bae does make a reasonable effort to get romantical, you’re always gonna feel jealous.
Take ten minutes to have a scroll through Tumblr and you’ll be swamped with all of the really imaginative, adorable gestures that other people have received. Your box of chocolates and fluffy socks may have seemed great this morning, but SHE GOT A PUPPY PRESENTED TO HER ON THE EIFFEL TOWER. And HE PAINTED THE NIGHT THEY FIRST MET IN SPAGHETTI HOOPS. You have the worst boyfriend ever. Ugh.
8. There’s literally so much red and pink. It’s everywhere.
Particularly painful for those of us who stick to a wardrobe that’s made up of black, black, more black and black on black. Suddenly the hideous red and pink arrives in all forms for February 14th, looking like uncooked meat, chicken pox, a pepper you forgot was in the back of the fridge, a dead flamingo and BLOOD.
9. It pretty much sets up every couple for doom and failure.
No one will live up to these expectations. You have an official countdown of 24 hours to adequately celebrate your love, otherwise it probably means that you should just break up immediately because what’s the point. If you fail at Valentine’s Day then you fail at romance itself. MAKE PLANS. ENJOY EACH OTHER. BE MADLY IN LOVE. DOOO IT NOW.
10. It’s so expensive. So so so expensive that it physically pains you.
Despite being bang in the middle of the month with pay day feeling like a distant memory, you’ve somehow got to find the cash for gifts, cards, dinner at a fancy restaurant, probably something nice to wear to dinner at said fancy restaurant etc etc.
And honestly what even counts as a good Valentines gift. No man actually wants a personalised keyring with his bae’s name on it, and no woman actually wants a rose made of advent calendar chocolate. After a quick google of ‘Valentines Gifts For Him’ for this article, one of the first things that came up was ‘Urban Beekeeping Experience For 2’. WTF. This is not okay.
11. If you just got dumped, it’s a big, fat, punch in the face reminder that you just got dumped.
We’ve all been there, and it is genuinely shitty. As if there wasn’t enough constant reminder in TV, film, music and books that the world is paired off and you are destined to be a spinster forever (not really), you now have to endure 24 solid hours of couples being more coupley than ever before. Top tip: hide, save yourself, remain under the duvet all day with a mountain of snacks and live your best life, pal.
12. You’ll feel obliged to buy some form of fancy, uncomfortable, extremely expensive underwear.
On the model it will look super sexy, seductive, alluring and mysterious. You will fork out a crazy amount of money in the hopes that you will set your Valentine’s head on fire with your own hotness. You try it on at home just to double check that it’s good to go, and instead realise that makes you look like a haggis trapped in red string, and might actually be causing you some serious external injuries. Oh life.
13. FUN SCIENCE FACT.
Red roses emit around 9,000 metric tons of carbon dioxide on this magical day. They’re often shipped in from South Africa or places with warmer climates, so millions are flown across oceans in refrigerated tanks, using up shitloads of fossil fuel. Valentine’s is basically killing the planet as well as all of our hearts.
14. Last but not least, shouldn’t we just love each other this much all the damn time?
Rather than this kinda weird, organised, designated, specific time to show each other that we’re in love in OTT ways? Yep, the world is weird and Valentine’s Day can do one.
- Words by Lucy Wood.
Now why not check out this video of guys and girls trying to guess what weird sexting slang actually stands for...?