13 Real People Spill Their Most Awkward AF Sex Stories
We. Would. DIE.
Sex can be the best thing ever, if it’s with the right person and they’re making the right moves. Whether it’s drunk sex, sober sex, a one night stand, or sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend, the joys of boning are something we can all relate to.
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But sex can also be the most awkward experience of your actual life and these regular folk are here to tell you that you’re not alone in the total mortification of fornication…
1. “He ripped his penis…”
"I was seeing a guy at uni for a few weeks and let’s just say his stamina wasn’t what you’d want when you first start sleeping with someone. I think he was pretty embarrassed so unbeknownst to me one evening he ‘emptied’ himself before coming to see me. We got down to business and after a few seconds he made a strange noise, jumped up and disappeared into the bathroom. I assumed he’d just finished already and stretched out to get some kip. But as my hand went over the sheet I felt a damp patch on the bed. I pulled up the covers and realised they were were soaked in blood! I was lying in a pool of it - it was like a crime scene. It turned out that he’d rubbed himself so hard that he’d become raw and the sex prompted his banjo to tear. We were both mortified and mumbled a goodbye as he took himself off to hospital while I stripped the bed. We broke up a few days later because there was no getting over that trauma."
2. “I thought I’d grown balls…”
"One night my ex-boyfriend and I came in from a night out having had quite a few drinks. Feeling sexy (and pissed) we decided to have sex for hours. Literally everywhere; on the floor, against the wall, upside down even. At that point it was the best sex night of my life. Until the next day. I woke up and felt kind of sore and reached down to see what was going on. I freaked out when I felt like I had a pair of huge balls attached to me. WHAT HAD HAPPENED? I was still morning drunk so I got up and had a look in the mirror. It turned out that we’d had such vigorous sex that my vagina lips were so swollen that they literally looked nine times the size. I walked like John Wayne for days and went through about six bags of frozen peas. Worst ever. But also great, pre-broken vag."
3. “He spat in my mouth…”
"Just weeks out of a five year relationship, I decided to get myself back out there and went on a date with a younger guy. We’d met the week before and had been talking daily so I accepted when he asked me out. After a very boozy date we ended up back and my flat. He immediately led me through to the bedroom, which was forward but after sleeping with the same guy for half a decade…exciting! But before anything else happened, he pushed me face down, pulled my ass up, took my jeans off and stuck his tongue in an area that I was not expecting. You get it. Having never been, er, rimmed before I thought to myself ‘this is what the cool kids must be doing these days’ and just sort of soldiered on awkwardly. I decided to give it one more date but this time instead of focusing on my behind he opened my mouth and full-on dribbled into it. Like saliva string onto my tongue. At that pint I called it a day. AWFUL."
4. “A child caught us…"
"My husband and I met on at ski season and a few months into dating we had hit one of the mountain-side bars after a day on the slopes. After a few drinks we decided to go and find a place a little more private. We spotted an igloo that had been built nearby and went to go and explore it. We crawled in and started to get a bit steamy. One thing obvs leads to another and we start doing it. A few minutes in we were interrupted by the sound of a young voice chatting away. As it got louder we were panicked to realise that this kid was crawling into the igloo! As we came face to face with the small person we were far too embarrassed to explain the birds and bees so we gathered our clothes and quickly ran half naked into the snow. Thank God the parents weren’t out there."
5. “I robbed him of his virginity…”
"In my last year at uni I was kind of seeing this guy who was a fresher so 3-4 years younger than me. After a few dates/nights out of snogging (the uni way) we slept together. Immediately after he smiled and said ‘I’m so glad I’ve finally lost my virginity. Thanks.’ I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Not only was I sleeping with a fresher but I had just robbed a boy of his innocence and youth. It was too late for me to go home so I went to sleep in a panic. We woke up the next morning and he turned to me and admitted he’d been joking. I was the most relieved person you’ve every seen. So at least it’s the most relieved sex I’ve ever had. Is that a thing?”
6. “I will never get rid of that nickname…”
"When I was 18, in my final year of school I was dating a boy from the year below me. Back then it was a lot of ‘everything but’ and one day I had decided to give him a blow job. Everything was going fine until he finished and I got a bit freaked out and moved back. Like something in a Scary Movie film, his stuff went right into my eye. OUCH. The next day it was red and sore and I had to go into school to face all my friends who, by then, knew the whole story. As if this wasn’t bad enough, from this nightmare grew the nickname which would follow we for the net ten years. My last name sadly rhymes with facial so you can imagine how that turned out. Awkwardly my friend now dates him so I’m sure she’ll love reading this trip down memory name. Soz pal."
7. “I started to cry…”
"I started dating this guy who I’d met in a bar and had a meet cute moment where our eyes met across the room. We had gone on a few dates and it was that weird thing were I liked him but there was a tiny part of me that was a bit weirded out. On the third date, we went to meet his brother after dinner and he introduced me as his girlfriend. Alarm bells started ringing as I had to explain that we’d actually just been on three dates. After that we went home and had sex for the first time - I was still trying to like him as much as he liked me. HE WAS HOT. At one point was behind me and yanked on my hair so hard, I thought my extensions were about to be torn from my head and I burst into tears in pain. Worst thing is, he didn’t even seem to notice. After that I got the ick really bad so I ended it. There’s no coming back from the ick."
8. “He peed on me…”
"I had started dating this guy and the first time we slept together I woke up to him leaving the room to go to the toilet. He came back in looking mortified and mumbled something about having wet the bed. I looked under the covers and realised he had peed all over my sheets. He left and I went into the toilet where let’s just say he’s left a sh*t storm. GROSS. Even so, I gave him another chance and met up again. The next morning I woke to a weird feeling on my back. I turned around and noticed he was PEEING ALL OVER ME. Yeah there was no fixing that tbh."
9. “I pooed on him…”
"I started seeing my best friend some years back and it was one of those weird awkward friends-to-more situation. I had heard him talk about loads of other girls he’d slept with so I was determined to make our first time together amazing. I got on top (made some effort eh?) and really put a shift in. Until I started to need the toilet. And not number one. I ignored it because we’ve all been there right? A minute later a feeling of dread overcame me as I felt a tiny little nugget pop out right onto him. I was totally mortified and convinced he would never talked to me again. I’d pooed on him after all. But he was amazing about it and now we’re married. Not such a sh*t situation after all…”
10. “She passed out midway through…”
"I was with one of my exes and we decided to try erm, choking. So we got down to business and got a bit into it when I went for it. Next thing I knew she was still. With her eyes open. She’d passed out. I was terrified that I’d accidently killed her so I started shouting and shaking her. She came round and started screaming because she woke up to me shaking and yelling at her. DISASTER. It was like a scene out of Broadchurch. We didn’t try it again."
11. “It was the wrong kind of doggie style…”
"My girlfriend and I were getting down to business one night when we realised the dog was sleeping on the floor of our bed. We usually put her in another room but sometimes it can dampen the mood a little so we decided to risk it – she looked passed out. We started getting into it and half way through I look to my side and the dog is inches away from me when I’m ass naked, staring right into my eyes. She then proceeds to jump up and start licking my face. I freaked out, my girlfriend starting creasing herself laughing and the mood was ruined. Things have never been the same between us again. Me and the dog I mean. "
12. “Oh Mum this is…"
"My girlfriend and I hadn’t been going out long when we went to a day of horse racing which involved a lot of alcohol. We then carried onto a big lavish after-party in a giant marquee with a lot of our friends. After a snog at the back of the toilets (classy) our memories kind of fail. Our friends say they saw us stagger off into a field around 9pm and we both woke up at 1am to discover I was missing a shoe, it was silent and the lights were all off. We gathered ourselves up, went back to my family home and had drunk, probably loud, sex. The next morning we went downstairs, which was the moment I realised my parents hadn’t met her yet and introduced them. My mum replied simply, ‘Hmm I wondered why there was an strange pairs of shoes at the door'. We haven’t spoken about it since. I tell you what though, the sex was great from what I remember!"
13. “I totally blacked out…”
"My boyfriend was in the shower so I decided to jump in and surprise him. (Trying to be all spontaneous and sexy – you know.) We started having sex, perhaps a little too vigorously and I SMACKED my head on the side of the shower. I woke up on the floor in a contorted position thinking ‘this is not sexy.’ But I got up and back on the horse, so to speak. Ah to be 19 again."
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