19 Awkward Stages Of Getting It On At A Music Festival
Tent acrobatics, trying not to get caught and the whole people overhearing issue.
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Picture the scene. You're at a music festival and it's day two. By this point you've seen some things - most probably including but in no way limited to someone puking on their friend, a girl peeing right outside her tent and a really hairy man wearing a gold thong and little else - and as a result you're feeling happy, free, confused and also perhaps a bit lonely (read: horny).
So you find yourself a guy or girl, dance the night away together, maybe have a few cheeky kisses and end up deciding to take it to the next level back at the campsite.
But having sex in a tent isn't like having sex in a house with four walls and a real life bed, so it's probably best to expect these awkward yet ultimately enjoyable stages as part of any festival hook up.
1. Having to make a deal with your tent mate in advance so they stay in your other friends' tent tonight
The old hanging a sock on the door handle trick doesn't work when you're tent has a zip-front door, so the negotiation and promise to buy them a vegan burrito with extra tofu tomorrow is key.
Plus letting them know exactly who you are with and where you're going together is personal festival safety 101 and will equally avoid them busting in drunk and getting an eyeful of your naked bits.
2. Actually finding your tent
Always a challenge, whether you have a *guest* with your or not.
3. Casually stashing your valuables without looking like you're stashing your valuables
We're not saying that most people aren't good people, but when you know their tonsils better than you do their character, there's no harm in being a little cautious with your stuff.
4. Equally casually moving your mate's belongings into the corner
She won't forgive you for having sex on her sleeping bag. Ever.
5. Getting down to some foreplay
Which let's be real, probably isn't going to be *that* involved when neither of you have washed for a couple of sweaty summer days.
6. Trying to negotiate the sleeping bag sitch
While you know you both won't fit in it, for some reason you'll probably still try it. Just save yourself bother and unzip or go without.
7. Trying to get the condom on
It is a truth universally acknowledged that doing this is approx 4694933 times harder when you're both crammed into a pitch dark two man tent. Still, really don't go without one if you don't know the other person from the real world - an STI is not the best kind of party bag to take home with you as a reminder of your festival weekend.
8. Having to be quiet
Because if you can hear your friends talking in the tent next to you, they can probably hear you too.
9. Probably not managing to be quiet
10. No longer caring about being quiet
Ditto getting even more carried away.
11. Doing some tent acrobatics
That enclosed space means getting creative and probably bending about like a pretzel in ways you never even knew you could. It also means getting at least one elbow in the face and a kneeing someone in a place no one should ever be kneed.
12. Feeling a bit like you're a sheep
You just had sex where sheep usually have sex and now you can't stop thinking about that for some unknown reason. Life is weird, as is your post-sex brain.
13. Having to listen to their drunk chat when really all you want to think about is being a sheep and maybe have a snooze.
Chances are your new bedmate has spent a little too much time in the meditation zone this weekend.
14. Disposing of the evidence
Your mate won't be too pleased when she comes back tomorrow and discovers a condom stuck to her makeup bag, so you're gonna need to get rid of that properly.
Also you're in a field so do put it in an actual bin and don't just chuck it down somewhere because it won't decompose and will make your new sheep friends' home all gross.
15. The portaloo vs. cystitis risk
You know you should get up and go for a wee but the prospect of putting on your wellies and trying to find the portaloos in the dark is a lot to deal with during your post-shag high.
DO IT THOUGH, because the idea of a UTI at a music festival sounds like hell on earth and then some.
16. The walk of shame moment
The awkward moment when you do finally exit the tent for a pee and your friends are all sitting around the campfire, know exactly what you've been doing and give you a round of applause. KILL ME NOW.
17. Chucking them out the morning after
"So this has been fun but...can you, like, leave now?"
18. Trying to avoid them for the rest of the festival
It was good in the moment but chances are you don't want a +1 hanging on your hip for the remainder of the weekend. 'Cos this isn't a Shakespeare play, is it?
19. Bumping into them at 4am, dancing to world music for 23 minutes and then deciding to do it all over again
Well, YOLO and all that.