Real Life Dating Disasters: The One With All The Poo
Real life dating horror stories straight from the staff of MTV. Read in full plus more dating and relationships news at MTV.co.uk
The world of dating can be a tricky place. But don't worry about the awkward ins and outs of trying to get someone to fall in love with you too much, because here at MTV we have some absolute horror stories of our own that are probably going to make you feel about 55 times better about your own dating disasters.
In a new series we'll be sharing a few of our all time most embarrassing experiences, starting with this: a tale of young love and poo. A LOT of poo...
It all started one night when I met this gorgeous girl. I asked her for a snog and to my surprise she said yes. One thing led to another and then BAM we were en route back to mine.
We weren't that far away from my flat before I realised something didn’t feel right (internally). I started to sh*t myself and I mean that in the literal sense.
I don’t think she knew what was going on, but I was desperately trying to walk normally AND not squeeze her hand too tight.
We eventually got back to the flat and luckily my flatmate was still up. Perfect! He could distract her with awkward small talk while I went and sorted my life out with a quick shower. In my drunken state I thought everything looked OK (She didn’t even realise that I changed my entire outfit!). Anyway, finally we got down to it and it was all good, if you know what I mean.
THE NEXT MORNING.
I woke up feeling happy and satisfied and turned over to her for a quick cuddle. She wasn’t there. Confused and slightly relieved, I sit up and give a quick hazy inspection of the room and see no signs of any female trace.
Sweet. Back to sleep me thinks. BUT as I rest on my hand I noticed there is hardened mud-like substance on it. I follow the trail of this substance up to my arm and eventually realise that it’s all over my body.
It’s sh*t, and a lot of it.
Like the horse head scene in the Godfather, I sit up, begin to hyperventilate, just about avoiding a scream by placing my hand over my mouth, but then quickly remove it because I remember that it’s covered in turd.
Reluctant to reveal what’s under the duvet I decide to confront it and like a plaster, I rip it off! It’s EVERYWHERE! It is all over my body from head to toe. I have a proper look around the room and there is actual sh*t smeared across the walls!
The most memorable image by a long shot was the unmistakable shit handprint. It looked like a hectic murder scene only the victim's insides were poo and not blood.
I sit back in shock trying to piece everything together. Then I realise the worst part of it all: That poor girl must have woken up, probably had a cry, then got dressed, picked up her shoes and did the walk of sh*tty shame.
I still don’t know who did it.
That was like 6 years ago and I hadn’t seen her since. Until last month when I bumped into her. She looked horrified. I just decided to nod and sprint off.