Weird And Wacky Things You Never Ever Knew About Condoms
Think XL is the biggest size? Think again.
Johnnys, rubbers, willy warmers, love socks… whatever you call them, condoms are a MASSIVE part of sex, and it’s good to know as much as possible about them if you’re going to be doing the naughty.
The crux of it is that they’re made out of really thin latex, yet they’re one of the most reliable forms of contraception. They’re 98% effective at preventing those unnecessary babies AND they protect you from getting STIs (sexually transmitted infections), from chlamydia to HIV (which is less likely in Britain, but is actually on the rise in places like London).
So yeah, you’ve got the basics down. But what if you want to do some more THOROUGH research? Here are some weird and wacky things you never ever knew about condoms, to impress your sex-bud and make you feel really f**king intelligent.
1. They’re ancient
Hopefully not the ones in your wallet/ bedside table, as condoms past their expiration date are likely to split (handy tip). But we mean condoms in general. They’re legit ancient - they’ve existed for thousands of years!
What’s the earliest condom spotting? Apparently there is a 12,000-15,000-year-old painting of a man using a condom (we’d love to see this) on the wall of a French cave. That’s a fact from an academic book called ‘Johnny Come Lately: A Short History of the Condom’ written in 1985.
Told you you’d feel smart.
2. Two is 2 many
Guys, wearing condoms is not like dressing for winter. Layers are unnecessary and actually counter-productive.
Wearing two condoms at the same time will cause friction. When two condoms rub together they are likely to create holes, which will let any sperm juices fly freely through. Woops!
3. There are some condoms made of ANIMAL parts
Ok, so this is weird – there are lambskin condoms. Pretty creepy right? We’re not sure what’s worse, wearing a lamb on your dongle or having some lamb thrust inside you.
Btw, it’s not just any part of the lamb, it’s the intestine membrane. Plus, they don’t protect against STIs… Maybe opt for the latex, ppl.
P.S. The Egyptians also used to use animal bladders and linen sheaths to make condoms. They also had a weird idea about shoving crocodile poo up there as a protective layer, which is a bit uncomfortable. But, hey, at least they weren’t in de NILE about the importance of contraception.
4. There’s a condom that’s bigger than a human
The official world record for the biggest condom made is recorded in the Guiness Book of World Records. It was funded by clothes company Benetton in 1993 in order to celebrate World AIDS Day (December 1st), and was fitted over an Obelisque in Paris. What a spectacle.
So how big was this condom? It was 21.94m (72ft)!! That’s some BFG-sized contraception right there!
5. No age restrictions
You can buy a condom at absolutely ANY age! Did you know that?
They are also ALWAYS free if you get them from a sexual health clinic. It’s like Christmas!
6. Don’t be a noob, use proper lube
OK, so we’re all for giving ya private parts a good lubing up before sex. Even if you’re both very eager and lubrication isn’t absolutely necessary (if you get what we mean), lube is a great sex accessory for any occasion.
BUT switching to your own home remedies when you don’t have any proper lube to hand can end in disaster!
Turns out that asking yourself, “what’s slippery?” and then coating your whatsits in it isn’t totally legit. Firstly, it could be bad for your, ahem, areas. Secondly, non-water-based lubricants can dissolve condoms! That includes oil, Vaseline, and hand cream. In fact, anything that contains oil will wreak havoc on your johnny.
Maybe just stick to the durex.
7. Young people aren’t being taught how to put one on!
You would have thought that the put-the-condom-on-the-banana exercise had reached worldwide acclaim, but apparently loads of young people still aren’t taught how to put a condom on in sex ed!
Who are we hiring these days?!
A 2010 American study done by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) found that only 39% of American high school students are taught how to correctly use a condom in their health classes.
That’s a ridiculous amount of patchy sex ed – what are they doing all lesson?!
8. The biggest human condom has the circumference of a Pringle can
So you’ve heard about massive condoms, but what about the ones made for actual people instead of tourist buildings?
The biggest human condom size is called the G31, and it can fit a willy that is 9.45 inches long and a girth that’s about as wide as a Pringle can! It’s 11% longer and 21% wider than a Durex XL condom, and 17% longer and 27% wider than a Magnum XL condom.
Now THAT is a rather large condom. Rather large indeed.
9. Condoms do NOT cut off a guy’s circulation
Don’t believe the BS. A condom can stretch to 18 inches around, which means that any guy who claims that the condom “cuts off his circulation” is struggling to accept that perhaps he has an erectile dysfunction. Or perhaps is just straight up lying to get you to give up condom-using.
Think you’ve overestimated the size of your willy, pal. (Unless you genuinely need a G31, but that’s pretty unlikely.)
10. Condoms may stop you getting cancer!
Condoms not only protect you from pregnancy, gonorrhea, chlamydia, trichomonias, HIV, genital herpes, syphilis… ok you get the picture. But DID YOU KNOW they also reduce the risk of women getting cervical cancer?
Cervical cancer has been linked to the sexually transmitted infection called HPV, which is incredibly common and passed through skin-to-skin genital area contact. So condoms can lower the risk of you getting HPV, and THUS lowers the risk of cervical cancer in women.
Couldn’t be more of a win, win situation really…
So there you have it. Now you know a load of crazy facts about condoms, meaning you’re automatically 0.22% cleverer than you were five minutes ago, congrats!
Word to the wise: don’t believe the BS that anyone tells you to convince you that not using a condom is OK. Condoms are NOT uncomfortable, sex still feels great for the guy, and other forms of contraception may be baby-reducing, but many will not stop you from catching STIs.
Happy safe sex-having!
Just make sure you come to the bedroom armed with some clever condom facts, it makes for some great dirty talk to get you both fired up.
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