10 Fantasy Celebrity Sex Tapes We’d Kinda Like To See
These famous fornication videos may never exist, but the heart wants what it wants…
By Portis Wasp
In the wake of Jennifer Lawrence and co.’s naked photo traumas, ahead of the release of Cameron Diaz and Jason Siegal’s movie Sex Tape, our minds really couldn’t be anywhere other than the gutter. While we’ve already discussed celebrity sex tapes that actually exist, these are the ones that don’t (to our knowledge), but that we’d really, sorta, kinda like to see.
Selena and Justin
If the thought of a former Wizard Of Waverly Place getting into bed with the reigning King Joffrey of Pop doesn’t cast a spell on your private parts, we don’t blame you, but we found ourselves charmed by the high production values and subtle product placement scattered throughout this Anthony Mandler-directed clip.
SCENE STEALER: As Selena’s hypnotic single Come And Get It plays from the Beats By Dre Pill on their bedside table, Biebs and Gomez begin to suggestively remove one item at a time that they’re wearing, from their his and hers adidas NEO Label ranges.
Jason Statham and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
We know what you’re thinking… FINALLY, we’re going to get to find out how Rosie’s Autograph collection for M&S holds up in bed with an Expendable! And we’re right there with you…
SCENE STEALER: Barely five minutes in and this sex tape takes a rather shocking - though somewhat predictable - turn when Jason receives a call to say his past has caught up with him, prompting the noticeably ‘hard’ man to rush out of the room with no explanation!
The remaining 25 minutes of the tape sees a dejected Rosie, wearing her barely creased crimson silk and lace set, flicking through a copy of Vogue’s September issue.
Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff
We’ve been rooting for this pop culture power couple from the get go, but little could have prepared us for this calorific serving of kitsch. Think you can’t have your cake and eat it too? Well think again…
SCENE STEALER: When Lena asks Jack if he’d like to cosy up and eat some trifle after a heavy make out session to Fun’s We Are Young, she returns to their bedroom wearing her Giambattista Valli Emmy dress! Talk about a multi-layered performance…
Angel Haze and Ireland Baldwin
Wonder what happens when a self-confessed Deep Sea Diver and her gorgeous model girlfriend take a break from Instagram for one evening? You hold your breath, that’s what.
SCENE STEALER: In an attempt to pay homage to 9 ½ weeks, the ’80s classic which starred her mother Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke, Ireland leads Angel into the kitchen for a late night nibble… But barely does the refrigerator door open before the two are interrupted by an angry voicemail left on their machine by Ireland’s father, Alec. And we all know how the last voicemail he left went…
Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa
After seeing how Amber Rose celebrated her hubbie Wiz Khalifa’s album debuting at number one, we couldn’t resist the promise of a feature-length “ass drop”. Sensibly, we took precautions though and popped two travel sickness pills before we hit play.
SCENE STEALER: It should come as no surprise that most of what we saw was a blur.
Brad and Angelina
Any fears we had that Brad and Angie would be gone in sixty seconds and unable to recreate the same level of onscreen sexual tension they displayed nearly ten years ago in Mr & Mrs Smith are quickly dispelled in this surprisingly funny tape, which lovingly cements the Jolie-Pitt’s status as ‘Hollywood’s Golden Couple’.
SCENE STEALER: Proving that Hollywood couples can have a happy ending, hilarity ensues post-coital when Brad puts on Angie's Maleficent horns, and recoils into their walk-in closet. Closely followed by his wife, we soon realise the two are about to re-enact the scene in the enchanted forest when Aurora (played by a very giggly Angie) meets Maleficent for the first time. We kid you not!
Kim and Kanye
Released exclusively on iTunes, and billed as an interactive experience that allows viewers to speed up and slow down the video using the keyboard’s +/- buttons, Kim and Kanye take us on a journey of love through ten David LaChapelle-constructed sets housed in Kanye’s Cruel Summer pyramid. With art direction by Marina Abramovic and pieces from Givenchy’s AW15 collection featuring heavily throughout, it is no surprise that Kanye is credited soon after the film’s release with reinventing the sex tape.
SCENE STEALER: Throughout the tape Kris Jenner can be heard off-camera feeding Kim her lines.
Blake and Ryan
Filmed for the BBC’s Natural World documentary series with narration by Sir David Attenbourgh, watching these two fascinating creatures s**gging, often in slow motion or time-lapse, moved us in more ways than Serena’s wardrobe ever did over six seasons of Gossip Girl.
SCENE STEALER: After collapsing into a beautiful heap together, the camera pans up to Blake’s face before she suggestively purrs, “You know you love me. XOXO”
Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield
Is there a more adorable celebrity couple in existence today than Spider-Man co-stars Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield? If so, we are still to meet them. But that didn’t stop us approaching their sex tape with a little trepidation. The last time Andrew shot his load on screen he accidentally killed Emma’s character, Gwen! Eek!
SCENE STEALER: At first charmed by his girlfriend singing (for the 500th time!) “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”, a look of fear soon envelops Andrew’s face as four of Emma’s besties jump out of their wardrobe and into bed with them, sending his Spidey senses tingling.
Beyoncé and Jay-Z
No one has felt the pressure to turn our cherries out in this fantasy sex tape list more than Beyoncé, who has been talking a very good sex game on her new album, referencing everything from pink Skittles to Monica Lewinsky-ed gowns - which must be a right ol' guddle to dry clean...
Thankfully for Bey, a well-placed cameo from her alter ego Sasha left us feeling Drunk In Love with Mrs Carter.
SCENE STEALER: When Jay mistakenly asks Yoncé to stop grinding on his wood as he’s finding it hard to concentrate on the date he’s on in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood and Sasha enters the room. Not literally obviously, but she’s certainly there in spirit as she goes on to put Beyonce’s recent 15-minute long medley at the VMAs to shame. Much to the detriment of Jay’s ‘daddy long stroke’, we might add.