9 Mind-Blowing Moments From The Only Way Is Marbs Episode 1

Pop open the prosecco, The Only Way Is Essex is back after a break of, ooh, four months. And we MISSED it.

Here are notes on all the scandal from episode one.

Expect spoilers bigger than Megan McKenna’s hair, obvs.

Mario Falcone, Lauren Pope and Mike Hassini are back Back BACK

Hooray! Pops is back for good after an amazing, hand-in-hand, entrance with Chloe Sims in the last series’ finale.
We have honestly missed the friendship between this pair, and Chloe could certainly do with some pals around her after Pete Wicks did the dirty on his so-called friend. Speaking of which….

Are Pete and Chloe pals again?

In a word: no. And after their in-no-way-staged row in front of a souvenir stall, we’re not sure they’ll ever be pals again. Life is cruel.

She’s a man-eater

Gotta love Lauren. She’s been romantically involved with Dan Edgar, Tom Pearce, Kirk Norcross (ask your mum), Mario Falcone and Lewis Bloor (shudder). But who’s Lauren got her eye on this time? Oh lawks, a bit of social media stalking suggests it’s Jon Clark AKA the worst male Towie since Mick Norcross (ask your gran).

We will never forgive Mick for pieing Gemma Collins. Never! And it will be a loooong time before we forget Jon’s vile treatment of Kate Wright over the voice notes he sent her.

Mario is engaged. To be married. To a woman.

Hang on - did Mario actually leave though? We’re sure we saw him in series 20. He was talking about how his girlfriend is amazing and he had long hair and we still haven’t fully forgiven him for the way he treated Chloe S but that’s our cross to bear. Yes, we hold a lot of grudges. Deal.

Mike is basically sculpted like a Greek god now

And that remains the only interesting thing about him.

The girlband is still on hiatus *sigh*

Have Megan and Amber Turner made up with Chloe Meadows and Courtney Green? Lololololol - no. This petty falling out shows no sign of ever being resolved. Ever. Until the “next time” segment which saw them palling up again. Hooray!

Amber has caught feelings for Dan. Which we in no way saw coming (lies).

“She openly puts it on a plate for me, but I don’t want no more than that,” is what Gemma Collins reckons he’s been saying. Which is not very nice. Bad Dan, BAD.

Tommy Mallet keeps being excellent

Tommy may, hands down, be the best man in Essex. Sure, he’s a bit…silly. But he’s the only man (to our knowledge) to have kept faithful to his girlfriend and when he’s wrong he admits it. Remember last series when Megan McKenna said: “I heard you said I should go f**k myself,” and Tommy replied: “I did say that yeah”? It was like beautiful poetry.

Yasmin Oukhellou thought James Lock was going to propose

Instead, he gave her a key and asked her to move in with him but… didn’t that happen last series? Weren’t they choosing bathrooms together? Still, anything for a bit of camera time, eh?

See you for episode two lols, Brentwood fans.