This Extremely Weird Lara Croft Fan Fiction Will Make You Rethink Everything
The internet's a strange and arousing place, isn't it?
If you're a lover of all things Lara Croft and enjoy a spot of bizarre fan fiction, then clear your evening because THIS is for you!
The internet's a strange and wonderful place to see the most wtf stories about our fave explorer, so sit back and enjoy how weird things are about to get...
The title kinda gives it away, doesn't it? This tells the tale of the totes emosh, but insanely random love story between Lara and Kurtis Trent - the odd chap who follows her about and teams up with her. Small bits do mirror the game's story, but the gaps that are filled in are, shall we say, interesting.
Basically, Croft and Trent fall head over heels for one another and declare this love as he actually dies in her arms and then somehow disappears. The weird(er) part is that after declaring her love for him, Lara decides to give up tomb raiding forever and go travelling to 'find herself'. Right, good one.
Apparently, this is only chapter one(!), with a whole flippin' story seemingly set around Lara becoming a normal gal and taking a gap year BECAUSE THAT'S SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN ACTUAL TOMB RAIDER.
This one sounds (and starts off) as a typical horror setup - kidnapped by a scary tribe that eat people - but just a few lines in and things begin to get a little, erm, steamy. It's a bit awkward, but carry on (at your own risk) to see if it gets better and you will realise that this is a disturbing and VERY GRAPHICw sex story.
It's basically about Lara waking up in a cannibal tribe, before having all sorts of nastiness done to her and meeting a brutal end. Grim.
But if you can ignore the horrific gruesomeness, it turns out to be a rather hilariously written story when it tries oh-so-hard to be sexy.
Oh, and the phrase 'love canal' is used. Genuinely.
Lara Croft and the muscular women fetish
Not that there's anything wrong with buff women, this odd tale takes place in a 'mysterious all-feminine warrior civilisation' Lara uncovers. Oh, did we mention they're all naked?
'Chiselled abs, huge breasts' is just part of the detailed description for these ancient people. The burning question for Lara: 'how could they grow such huge muscles while remaining strikingly beautiful?' GOSH, WE JUST DO NOT KNOW.
It bangs on about muscular women as it suddenly turns into a sexy tale of dildos and nakedness... WUT?! To discover the secrets of how this all-female civilisation reproduce, Lara ends up GROWING a schlong and things get really, really, really wrong. Oh dear.
Tomb Raider meets Harry Potter
Yes, you heard right. What better than to have intrepid explorer Lara team up with, um, a teenage wizard?
If you're not up for reading the entire 11,000+ word story, here's the jist: Harry, 18, gets fed up and goes AWOL from school to live in a magical tent in Northampton. He randomly meets uni student Lara - hang on, what? - as the pair make puppy eyes at one other before running away from Harry Potter baddies. There's a flirty romance and the pair do share a little kiss before the wizard decides it's time to go back to Hogwarts.
This one's a HUGE story and fairly well written, and while it's so random, it's also kind of sweet!
Lara Croft And The Curse of the Stone Member
OK so this one's actually called Rock Hard. Mmmokay. Ring the alarm bells.
Here, Lara has to solve a puzzle with a stone penis, as one does. WHY MUST THERE THERE ALWAYS BE PENIS ARTEFACTS IN THESE STORIES?
Best line, when referring to the statue's marble member: 'she opted to do the job right all the same and let her saliva run down the length of it in gobs and washes'. Pure poetry.
Basically, we're in Lara-seducing-stone-statues-to-get-out-of-a-locked-room territory, guys.
See, that wasn't too insanely bonkers now, was it?
- By Mike Williams @Mike_P_Williams
- Rise of the Tomb Raider is out on Xbox One now