13 Reasons Why Glamour's Guide To Surefire Romance Is Total Balls
Twitter's currently blowing up about this rather antiquated view to romancing your other half. Here's our response...
ICYMI, this Glamour article titled '13 Little Things That Can Make A Man Fall Hard For You' is making Twitter blow-up in the rantiest way possible, thanks to a bafflingly simplified, disturbingly antiquated approach to modern dating.
So we decided to scour the MTV offices and offer our own words of relationship wisdom, not only from the men who this article is seemingly talking about (wave hello @michael_currell), but the women it's supposed to be talking to (take a bow, @jenrleeming).
Because, you know, just read that original thing and try not to Picard face-palm.
We bring you the original, unedited text, followed by our team's worldly wise (only midly snarky) notes below.
Sidenote Disclaimer: There is actually no sure-fire way to bag a man, woman or anything with independent feelings, thoughts, emotions and all that pesky 'human stuff'. But one thing we CAN guarantee - using the tips below to attempt to woo anyone/thing is a sure-fire way to get your desired fleeing for the hills in the opposite direction.
1. Stocking the fridge with his favorite drinks. Bonus points: Bring him back to his fraternity days by handing him a cold one as he steps out of the shower.
@michael_currell: Most men probably did a lot of very dickish things at university. Don't remind him of this. They're not proud. However always ensure there's milk in the fridge. Neither of you are exempt from tea making duties especially on those drab weekday mornings before your spirit crushing commute.
@jenrleeming: Alternative suggestion: stock the fridge with your favourite drink. Drink it IN the shower to avoid your boyfriend who wants you to bring him drinks. Only ever drink in the shower from now on. Sod it, eat all your meals in there too.
2. Making him a snack after sex. It doesn’t have to be a gourmet meal—a simple grilled cheese or milk and cookies will do.
@michael_currell: Any woman who wants to fix her man milk and cookies after a sex sesh should really check his age.
@jenrleeming: On the one hand I’m KIND OF on board with this, because who doesn’t love a post-coital midnight grilled cheese, but I’m mainly concerned at the idea that we’re expected to have enough energy to leap out of bed, fire up the griddle pan and start grating cheese immediately after getting busy. Surely that’s what takeaways were invented for?
3. Emailing him the latest online gossip about his favorite TV show. You don’t have to have a BFF at HBO. Just share applicable links from your Twitter feed and pat yourself on the back.
@michael_currell: How about emailing him a show that you love? Getting turned onto something someone else loves is the real turn on.
@jenrleeming: If sharing links about TV gossip (or anything to do with RuPaul's Drag Race) makes men fall in love with you then I must have a lot of secret admirers *waits for phone to ring*
4. Bragging about him to your friends, family, the stranger on the street corner—whomever. Proclamations of pride will make his chest puff out and his heart swell.
@michael_currell: Ah! Once was a time when peoples personal lives were personal.
@jenrleeming: Heed this warning. If you constantly brag about your perfect boyfriend, your friends will start to hate you. You colleagues will move desks. Your postman will just throw your bills at your door and flee. AND I’m pretty sure your fella will be creeped out when he catches you aggressively yelling his praises at a homeless man who was only asking for 10p.
5. Answering the door in a negligee—or, better yet, naked.
@spliggle: Or how about 'please don't'? I have neighbours.
@jenrleeming: I’m all for spontaneity, but I absolutely do not recommend opening the door nude before being 100% certain who’s on the other side. Definitely not speaking from personal experience here.
6. Being open to what he wants to try in the bedroom and out. An open mind is attractive no matter your playground.
@jenrleeming: Yes, Glamour! An open mind is attractive. But make sure he’s open to what you want to try as well. And if he attempts to make you do something weird, saying no is not going to immediately extinguish his adoration for you.
7. Letting him solve your petty work problem. Many men don’t do gossip, but they do like to fix things.
@michael_currell: Men, like women, would rather not waste time talking about their petty work problems. You could have a game of Scrabble instead and enjoy your personal time together.
@jenrleeming: I have three dead lightbulbs and a dodgy microwave I could really do with sorting. Do men like fixing those things too? Is someone in love with me now?
8. Spitting out sports stats for his favorite team. Showing an interest in his favorite players will earn you points on and off the field.
@michael_currell: Or don't pretend to know about his favourite team because this is deceitful and what relationship has ever flourished through deceit?
@jenrleeming: Because all men like sport, see?! If you can’t be bothered to learn countless stats, I’ve found that just yelling “SPORTS” during important bits is just as affective and WILL lead to love.
9. Making a big deal out of his favorite meal. Does he like hot dogs cut up into his boxed mac-and-cheese? Serve it on a silver platter to really see him smile.
@michael_currell: Bollocks! Make dinner together. Drink some wine, listen to some mutual cheese and dance.
@jenrleeming: Who actually owns a silver platter these days? Cook as a team, get distracted, burn everything, laugh a lot, call the pizza place down the road.
10. Treating his friends as well as you treat your own. If you win their affections, you’ll win his heart.
@michael_currell: Actually treating everyone with affection is the way to win at life in general.
@jenrleeming: I greet my friends by yelling “Oi bellend!” Will his mates appreciate that too?
11. Sitting side-by-side while he vegs out to the TV. It may not feel like quality time to you, but it’s the best time to him.
@michael_currell: Or watch a David Attenborough documentary together which inspires you to book that holiday of a life time to Patagonia.
@jenrleeming: LOLing on the sofa watching TV is always quality time. This is categorically not something that blokes enjoy more than women. In fact, if there were veg Olympics, we’d probably take gold.
12. Giving him a massage—happy ending completely optional. In fact, a foot rub works just fine.
@michael_currell: Affection in a relationship is important. My mum cuts my dad's lengthier eyebrow hairs. She hates it but they've been married 48 years.
@jenrleeming: Do this like Ross from that episode of Friends where he uses toy trucks and wooden spoons to perform the massage. It’ll add to the mystery.
13. Taking him back to third grade with a gentle tease over anything from how you’ll dominate him on the basketball court to the weird way he just styled his hair.
@michael_currell: Sure! Mental bullying is exactly the way to win anyone's heart.
@jenrleeming: Go one step further! Call his mum and find out the nasty nickname that haunted him throughout his teens! Embroider it on his pillow so he never forgets how awful school was!