The Five Best and Five Worst X-Men
It’s a showdown of X-pic (?) proportions…
By Gary Ogden
X-Men: Days Of Future Past is set for release on 22 May, and it’s most likely going to be good. It’s also most likely going to include all the best X-Men, but will it include any of the worst ones? We hope not. Why? Because some of the X-Men are TERRIBLE. We present to you the evidence…
THE FIVE BEST X-MEN
Special powers: Giant metal hand-spikes, super-strength, super-fast healing.
Let’s get the big dog (or should it be big weasel?) out of the way first - Wolverine is everybody’s favourite X-Man. Reason being? Well, he’s got giant claws that fly out of his hands and a wicked, on-trend haircut, obviously. He’s also a bit of a moody tart, which is always funny. A mainstay throughout nearly all X-Men incarnations, Wolverine is here to stay – the main reason being he’s basically immortal…
Special powers: Laser beam eyes.
The leader of the X-Men, and owner of the world’s most expensive Oakleys, Cyclops is another firm fan fave, and for good reason too: he’s a bit of a badass. He can shoot deadly laser beams out of his eyes and he went out with one of the pengest X-Women - Jean Grey. Good work Cyclops, just quit being so uptight all the time yeah?
Special powers: Metal skin, super strength/stamina.
Remember the kid at school who could turn his entire body into metal? He was the coolest dude in the yard wasn’t he? That’s because being able to turn your entire body into metal is really cool - especially if you’re mega strong and have a dench name like Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin. Which is why Colossus is the coolest X-Man on the block - disagree and he’ll pound your spine into dust.
Special powers: Telepathy, telekinesis, other cray space fire ultra powers.
She’s basically the most powerful X-Person in existence, which makes her one of the best, by default. She’s also got two names, which is pretty en vogue at the moment (just ask any number of rappers). Jean Grey hasn’t done any rapping, but we bet if she gave it a try, she’d be the BEST at it. Basically, don’t mess with Jean Grey.
Special Powers: Can imitate anyone, mega-good at fighting.
MYSTIQUE IS NAKED A LOT OF THE TIME.
THE FIVE WORST X-MEN
Special powers: His intestines are sentient maggots. Sheesh.
Erm, ok, interesting power there Maggot. Cool name too. Seriously, we know all about feeling like your guts have a mind of their own, but never literally. Some people always have to take it a little bit too far…
Special powers: She can absorb the power of anyone she touches.
On paper, it might sound like a cool power, but a problem arises when you realise that she can’t turn it on or off. Basically, she can’t ever touch anyone unless she wants to kill them. Great. Basically, if Rogue asks you out on a date - don’t go. Or wear a full-body condom or something.
Special powers: Can understand any mechanism in existence.
So basically, he’s just a really, really good engineer. We’re pretty sure there’s a load of them at your nearest uni right? Who needs laser eye beams when you can construct an awesome bridge…we guess?!
Special powers: He can understand any language *sigh*.
Real name Rosetta Stone (jk) Cypher’s mega-exciting power is that he knows all the languages in existence. So he’s amazing on a stag-do in Prague, but in a fight with giant robots, pretty useless. We’re pretty sure “AAARRRGGHHH!” is the same in every language.
Special powers: Regenerative healing, super-strength/agility, CONTROLLED BONE GROWTH.
Marrow can grow bones out of her back and then use them as swords. She gets literal boners and fights people with them - that’s her ‘cool’ power. She might be good in a fight if she didn’t have to get, ahem, ‘excited’ in order to grow her weapons though (disclaimer: not a guarantee that this actually happens).